My name is Vanessa and I lost my grandfather September 7, 2010. He was always my hero all my life and I looked up to him always and his opinions mattered most to me whether he knew it or not. I held his hand right to the end when he took his last breathe and it was the first time I had lost someone that meant the world to me and it broke my heart which in turn left me even closer to my grandmother till this day! I am just wanting to know that I didn't leave anything left for him to be ashamed of me for as he was always a suborn man and was stuck in his ways. There just seems to be this unsettling feeling for me when it comes to him and just the thought puts me into tears when I think of him.
Hello Vanessa, Thank you for contacting me and I am sorry to hear that your grandfather is no longer with you - at least in one sense he is no longer with you.
From your description, you are still in a process of greiving and so my words may seem a bit harsh but I promise you that I do understand and it is only my sincere intention to help you with the truth of what has happened.
Before we talk about your grandfather and that broken heart of yours we need to do some foundation work.
1) there are two realities - a physical one and a non-physical one.
2) Phycial things come from non-physical consciouss energy.
3) The energy is individual and eternal - physical things have sell-by dates, but the consciouss non-physical energy does not. We are eternal, no exceptions.
4) Birth, or conception to be more accurate, is the moment when non-physical energy expresses itself in physical form
5) death is the point when a transition is made from physical form back to non-physical energy
6) life causes us to expand and evolve as consciouss individuals - thats we we show up on this planet along with all species - for the joy of physical experience and the evolution of all species.
Ok, that's the foundation on which everything in the stunning universe is built, no exceptions. When you get this, then the phenomenon of birth and death begins to make a whole bunch of sense and the way we relate to it becomes significantly more helpful as well as accurate.
So let's cut and paste this onto your grandfather. He chose, form his non-physical perspective, to come forth into this physical world in a specific 3-dimensional time/space reality for the purpose of joy and expansion. He acheived both of those things although as his physical experience progressed he allowed the physical environment to dictate his feelings. We all do this to some extent. Your grandfather wanted to change alot but focused on the frustration of not being able to change it, the only power he truly had was to change his realtion to the things he cannot change, but like most of us, we kind of settled for being grumpy and frustrated instead - our society trains us pretty well at feeling dissatisfied about a while bunch of things!
The first thing your grandfather wants you to understand is that his stubborness was based on an absolute sincere desire that many things should be better than they were - he has had powerful desires for improvement but was not so good, as his life progressed, at focusing on the imporvement - his attention was more focused on the thing that needed improvement. Your grandfather was an expert observer and struggled so much with the tension he felt between what he desired and what he was actually observing.
You, his lovely granddaughter, are the main beneficiary of his desire for improvement. None of his desires or thoughts for something better are wasted, that energy exists and it's manifestation is pending. Now you have to tap into this and here is how you do it - so simple and yet so challenging - especially when you are nursing a broken heart.
Your grandfather has some tough love words for you about the broken heart. The only thing you need to miss, and it jokes is wasn't very pretty anyway, is his physical form. In every other way your grandfather is very much alive and present to you - not hovering around you like some sprirt or ghost, but consciously present to you through non-physical reality which you can pick up in your mind and through your feelings. Your grandfather is not buying the broken heart line, even though I do, he is not queueing up to dry your tears but he is loving you and encouraging you sense and feel how real he is to you and how much he is cheering for you to get things in life that he did not. The biggest thing he wants you to get is that you are the author of your life, you are an eternal creator, powerful and stunning. This eluded him in physical form from quite early in his life, but he so wants you to get this. If you can just chat to him in your mind, and if you know he is present to you then the tearsd and negative feelings will not surface, then his energy will join with yours and your will get a great kick-start for the next part of your life. His energy is there, loving and encouraging, but you have to tune into it and its most difficult to do that when you are sensing and even crying over the absence of his physcial body - which was only ever meant to be temporary anyway and honestly, as life went on, your grandfather was never that happy with his appearance! He is certianly not crying that appearance passed it's sell-by date so not much use in you crying either. If he had hands, your grandfather would physically tickle you out of your sense of loss.
Your point about shame - that's not going to work either - HA - is all he has to say about that - my sincere advice is that you just dump that one Vanessa, there is no one on this planet or in non-physical reality that is going to join you if you go down that road! Your grandfather wants you to be as proud and appreciative of every moment of your life as he is proud and appreciative of every moment of your life - so much more than you are able to realise from your current perspective.
The only reason for your unsettling feeling is that you are not realising and knowing that your grandfather is present - he is knocking to say Hi and you crying because his body gave-up - this us way it feels odd - you have just got to catch up with the reality fo your grandfather's presence and then you are going to feel better than you have ever felt before and your grandmother wil benefit enormously from the change in you.
I hope I have no been disrespectful to your grief but with more love than you can imagine your grandfather is offering a tickle and gentle kick up the rear end rather than a box of tissues! It wouldn't be honest or useful to you if I just typed up a whole bunch of kind and sympathetic words - you've had plenty of that anyway. Things are so OK and your grandfather is so present to you and all you have to do is enjot the life experience for which you came KNOWING that you are an eternal creator.
I can only guess if I have been able to help you at all, it is so difficult to hear things when you are grieving, but if you feel I can help you any further than please contact me and please also accept my very best wishes, Roy Pierce