Psychics/Can you help please?
Hi, I see that you are not really a relationship specialist, but I have read some of your answers, and you are very thorough and very caring. You seem to have a good intuition and you are a minister, I am in a very tough situation and I really need someone's help. If you could just please help me with this, I would be very appreciative. If not, I do understand and I thank you anyways for listening. My name is Courtney. I am in a very confusing situation that I cant seem to understand. This may be a little long but I am trying to give you an idea of the entire situation. I have a daughter who is 10 months old, her father and I have been together for 2 years on and off. It was a very rocky and unstable relationship, as honestly he wasnt the man for me. We argued alot about getting his priorities together, and just growing up in general. He hadnt grown up and became a responsible man at all, and was doing alot of running the streets and drinking in which he has done primarily most of his life. Even though he is 30 years old, he had never been in a relationship before, where he was living together or being considered a couple. Well our relationship was on and off at least every 2 weeks, where we would say it was over and not talk for a while, it was basically because i was fighting against this life that he loved so much. I am a nurse and alot more settled down then he was. I knew that we were incompatible but I fell in love with the good times we would have and I thought that if I stuck in there things would get better. Well he was so loyal to all his family and friends but not to me. I showed him dedication and I tried my hardest to motivate him to do better, and help him along the way. There were several instances where I thought he had cheated and my heart told me, but I listened to his stories and gave him the benefit of the doubt. My pregnancy was horrible, we argued all the time, he ran around with his friends, and I spent most of the time stressed, angry, and crying. After I gave birth to my daughter, he had a horrible family situation come up that made him start to look at how he was living his life, and I could see that he was trying to settle down a bit and stop taking things for granted, we had plans for us to move and start our life over the right, even though he hadnt changed completely, the wake up call was beginning, then the worse happened, he was arrested. He has been in jail since March 2012, and over the time of talking and looking at his life and our relationship, he has taken the time to look at all he had done wrong, and he tells me why and how. He says he didnt value life nor his priorities, and was just living day by day, he says he has never had anyone in his life like me, and he treated me so bad bc he thought I was going against what he thought was right, which is what he see isnt right. since he has been arrested, I have been there for him when everyone that he thought would be wasnt. He says he is glad he was arrested bc he wouldve never seen how bad he was living life was and that he needed to change. He says he was a bad person that didnt have character and he is trully sorry for all that he put me through. He has admitted alot of things while he was there. One of them is he cheated on me with his 10 year old son's mother. at the beginning of my pregnancy, One night he was drinking and we were arguing and she saw him at a store and mentioned for him to come over and he did. Being that he didnt come back until the next morning, I put him out. So then he went and stayed with her for about a week, he says there was no feelings there or anything, he just was living for the moment without any regard for anyone else or himself. after the situation happened, I went there bc I saw his car there and she lied and told me that he wasnt there. I got angry and I busted out his windows, well the next day he claimed he wasnt there and he was angry and we were very saying mean things to one another. about a week and a half later he sent me flowers, and told me he was sorry, but he lied and said that he wasnt staying over there with her and that he was just there with his son. Since he has been incarcerated he said that he has been praying for our relationship because he wants to be with me so bad and keep our family, he says during prayer, he decided that if he was going to do right then he needed to come clean about the situation, and I agreed and told him that trust cant be built until the lies stop. So he admitted that he did sleep with her and that he stayed there for about a week. He says that he wasnt thinking about me or our relationship, his life was a wreck and he was just doing what he wanted for the moment. He is begging for a second chance to make things right. and he swears that he loves me and that he would never do anything like that again. My problem is that I have never been able to forgive a person and try to move past cheating bc I have never understood it. He left me to go be with the son's mother for a week and no matter how many times i ask him why and he explains, it doesnt make me feel any better. I have been told that in order to salvage a relationship you have to be able to let it go. the reason I am having a hard time letting it go is because I question the feeling between him and her, and i question is love for me. He is pouring his heart out to me and I dont know what to do. I still love him, but I am so hurt, and maybe because I dont have a understanding as to how someone can do something like that. He says that people make mistakes and he just wants another chance to have his family and to change EVERYTHING about himself. I just dont know how to heal if I dont understand why. and I dont know how to rebuild if I question his love for me. His son's mother and him have never really been in a relationship ever since the child was born, they were kids in HS when they had their son, but even though he says he didnt have feelings for her, I still wonder. Its tearing me up, and more so because I cant come to a decision that I will be at peace with. I know people have gotten through these situations but how. I do believe that this incarceration was a wake up call to him bc of all the things involved ( I cant really discuss), but God has showed him so much in these 10 months that he is been in jail. When we talk about the cheating, the anger and hurt comes rushing back and he says that if I cant forgive him then he understands, but he really wants to show me how much he loves me and make things better. He wants to get married and start our family over. he says he prays that God will give him a chance to be with me & now he sees that I am the best thing that ever happened to him & he is willing to do anything... Please give me some insight into what you think about this, and how do i know if trying it again is right for me? and how to try to get past this? I have prayed for God to ease my pain, give me guidance, and knowledge as what should I do, and I have received an answer. I know that God put him in that situation to show him how he was living was wrong and he knows it as well. & He is so adamant about giving him s second chance for him to make things right. I don't want to make a decision based on my feelings but as to what God wants me to do. I know God forgives, but forgiveness isn't being with him again.. How do I forgive enough to be able to savior t
his relationship. Why haven't I received an answer to what to do?
Thank you so much
Thank you for your detailed message. Yes, I normally do not answer relationship questions – really as a mark of respect for those experts who advertise that relationships are their area of expertise. As you have taken the trouble to contact me and clearly aspire that I may be able to help you then I’m sure willing to try. There are a few things to say before we get started..
1) I need to be in an objective tough-love kind of mode to help you. Offering waves of sympathy and understanding – kind of like a cyber-shoulder to cry on – will not help you. If I sound cold and unsympathetic then please remember it is my sincere desire to help you and at the end of the day I do sympathise with your situation and I feel I have a good understanding of what you have gone through and are going through – please accept this as a given foundation so I can talk with you without worrying that I may be insensitive to you or even that you feel offended.
2) You don’t give a name for your partner so please let me refer to him as Mr P – meaning mister partner. If you do share any of this with him then I hope he will not mind this.
3) While reading your message my overwhelming feeling was that it would be better to be in contact with both of you. I may come back to this but I would encourage you to show Mr P what I have to say if you think appropriate and encourage him to contact me too if he would like to. You may not wish to disclose the contents of your message to me – you have to judge what’s best here but three-way communication would invariably be more useful – anyway, let’s see about that.
4) I need to really tackle some of the ways in which you think in order to help you. You can’t think in the way that you do and look forward to significant change in this or any relationship. I’ve used the word tackle because it’s more gentle than the word attack! – but I’m going to try and offer you a more accurate and fresh angle with which to approach this and all your relationships – but you have to be ready to do a bit of letting go of traditional thought patterns. I want for you what you want for yourself – but we have to roll up our sleeves, do some nitty-gritty re-working and more importantly try and enjoy it – which you can only do by taking a deep breath and giving a shake of the head to cold-shower the mind a little.
5) There is way too much we need to look at for me to be able to give an answer in a few paragraphs. We need to take this step by step and have reality checks that we are understanding each other as we go. When a road surface is fractured there is not much use in sticking a band-aid plaster on it.
6) My weak point is thoroughly checking spelling and grammar – so please excuse if you have to make some adjustments yourself as you read – you just have to let me know if I’ve written something that makes no sense – I don’t know why I have such little patience in checking – I run a spell check but that’s about it - and even that can cause more problems than it's worth. 3 days ago a man from Bahrain contacted me called Niaz - the spell checker changed it to nazi - thank God I actually noticed before I sent my answer!
7) To a greater extent we need to side-step relgion, terms like forgiveness and even God are heavily laden with cultural and social definitions and I will actually try to avoid using these words if possible. I live and work in south east Asia mostly and here forgiveness often ends up meaning the person forgiven feels they have permission to do excatly the same thing again! Forgiving is always wise, advertising your forgiveness - that can be another matter!
If you feel comfortable with the above then we can start moving. Don’t think you have to agree about Mr P getting in on this – that would be ideal but it’s not a condition for me trying to help you. Please let me know if the above is all OK with you by replying to me using the private follow-up option I think you have there. If you change your mind then no problem at all – you can know, however, that I remain available if you feel I may be able to help you in the future. It’s over to you for a green light to go ahead – relationships is a big area, it’s a huge thing in anyone's life – I take this very seriously and I don’t step into people’s lives without good care and caution. Please also remember that I do not claim to be an expert in relationships. Best wishes for the time being Courtney and look forward to hearing from you if you want to roll your sleeves up! Roy Pierce