Hi Shepherdess..My Name is Hilary. Birthdate December 7th 1960..I was born in Macclesfield England.I am now in Toronto.I have looked after my mum and boyfriend the last 5 or 6 years at different times.They have both now passed away as well as my sister..I was wondering if you see any future in what i will be doing as in Love or general life..I miss them so much and feel lost at times.Thank you so much
Thank you so much for writing. I send my condolences, as I can certainly feel your sense of "what do I do now?" going on, and I empathize.
You're an artist. I feel I must say that first. But your hunger for change is also very strong, and I will say it's also well deserved. You've been in a sort of martyr mode, and that's self-limiting beyond scope, so let's move ahead and out of that energy -- feels like it's been and will continue to seem very upsetting to make fundamental changes in your life, but replace "upsetting" with "exciting" and watch what happens -- expect the unexpected. I feel like you go back and forth; sometimes, you think, "I want to remain here for a while, give myself some time to put all of this in perspective," but at other times you want to just burst out the door or onto an airplane (going anywhere)!
This eagerness will overcome the fear and upsetting feeling of change, no doubt. Self-study, learning within the parameters of a focused group, small groups, even spiritualist church groups or other informal classes lent to consciousness-raising, is just tantamount to getting out of your "rut." It's best to seek out new relationships, friends, and I feel you may encounter a love interest -- someone who will encourage you to just be yourself more than ever.
It's also a good time (and I get started in May very strongly with this; there's still a bit of a sorting out period coming up, but more on that in a moment) to start a new physical regimen or a different kind of nutrition program. I feel you've explored the Eastern religions and many other associated spiritual practices, but it's a new "try on and see if you like it" sort of time physically, and I see you with a trampoline, literally airborne, and that this brings a great relief to your heart and your muscles, as well -- it isn't too demanding, and it's a good start. Are you also quite naturally athletic, or were you -- and I have a sense of outdoorsmanship, training, and perhaps that you are taller than average, and some sport that has to do with height? Not sure on that one, because it feels like it's more in the past -- but new energy will come to you -- find a trampoline!:)) And, if you smoke, it feels like you'll drop that, or another habit you've picked up -- something that is drug-related, even something as small as OTC medications for strength, or to let you sleep better, etc. All that can be sorted out and PUT out - and away. It's still snatching your energy.
You may feel a bit conservative, unsure, uncertain, or, what amounts to insecurity, about doing these things, reaching out, and so forth, but again, just put it down to pure insecurity because of the limitations that have been so ever-present for so long. You're just not used to this new, wide-open energy, and you may feel guilty about accepting joy, but that won't take long to get over, once you consider how much life you really have left, and it's all so vital. I'm so glad you wrote, because that means you are hoping for a better, more active and fuller future, and now is the time to focus on that and lay the groundwork for how you want the rest of your life to turn out -- if you didn't care, or let that go, you would live to regret it -- so ride the wave that's come your way; your instincts are sharp and you already have an inner knowing that you'll once again start out in a new life, new people, relationships, places, travel, all of it. All that you want. Just send your intentions clearly out to the universe/God, and stick to it. Gratitude and a daily quiet time to check in and ask that your prayers be answered, and that you send forth your intentions with the highest will, are essential. You'll really find that checking in each day on yourself will be a soothing practice, even if it goes on for only five minutes. It's YOUR time. You deserve it.
With this comes a lot of self-denial, or denial in general about things that you don't want to face; when this occurs, replace it with your strong, innate sense of inner direction and knowledge of who you are and why you are here - to help others. That's it. You've played out a great lot of your karma already in this lifetime, but it feels more like it's time now for a slight intermission, and then a return to the second act of the play. This time, I feel like you'll also seek out people instead of letting them come to you -- as has been your bent in the past. It feels like lots of people are attracted to you for many reasons, spiritual, material, and otherwise ( you're a natural counselor ), but I feel like I want to put the gate up with a sign, "By Appointment Only." It's as if you will use more discretion about those with whom you associate closely, and it's also about love expressing itself more thoroughly as a two-way street. You're just a huge giver, and to take can honestly be divine, as well. Give that a thought; you're not unkind to yourself, but you do seem to feel a bit undeserving. So knock that off!
Love! As I said earlier, there is a "waiting period" of sorts, during which you will begin to see aspects of your life that you have kept hidden from yourself, or haven't wanted to express or even acknowledge.
This also applies to love interests, and again, I want to have all of them "take a number" to wait for you to come to terms with a lot of old cobwebs that may cause more tears, but will be replenishing, not depleting. It is time to take stock of where you are right now, not where you were then, etc., but it's also good to just revisit a few things to get them out of the way ENTIRELY and forgive, forgive, forgive. It's a lot of junk, and we all accumulate it, but you've done a bit of a number on yourself. But love from someone else won't be available to you until you're available to yourself, and part of the past is still with the present you, and it's the part that you associate with being "less than" or even negative.
That's why I feel like it's time to be as gentle with yourself as you were with your loved ones, because you now can stand strongly on your own and hold your own hand -- but it's also a good time to reach out and ASK for help, which does NOT come easily to you, and is even tension-causing. Yet the less you resist facing yourself, the less difficulty you will have. And do you know, there are many people out there, nearby, most of whom you do not know yet, who LOVE to help; they genuinely do, and a friend is someone who can have been a stranger just the day before -- in other words, I feel there are so many outlets for your despair and the resultant grief and loneliness that comes with your stage in life right now that can be accessed -- but you have to make the effort -- you have to say, "I'm crumbling, lonely, frightened, and I need help," and you will literally be surrounded by love and peaceful, kind people who just WANT to do things for you. I know it seems like, "Who is THAT crazy?" (HA) but they're out there; there are many people who also need to give, even for self-ish reasons, and that's not a bad thing. They need and want to give love. You're one of them, but you can't operate on yourself; you need another counselor, other ears, other perspectives, other outlets, other places to go to get away from that physical place, as well.
Now, on a more practical level, don't just take everyone at face value; there's still a sense of distance that is necessary right now; you can't just rush into a stranger's arms and unload; you have to build up to that. So, sometimes you will feel misunderstood during this process, because you really are starting from scratch (which is and will become a very liberating thing, and not so long from now, either -- around May, again, you're going to be ready to take on much more than you think).
It's a very promising time, but it's also a time of being on the balance beam -- you have to really become a Libra and watch both sides and keep yourself centered -- because I also feel you may tend to over-idealize yourself and/or others at this time. This applies to love, in that you may assign qualities to people who don't deserve them! You will (naturally) vacillate between a sense of "this is a mess; this is horrible" and "this is terrific; it's a new start, thank GOD" -- so in the crevice between those two modes of thought, you might lose sight of what you want, your personal limitations, and most of all, you may expect too much of yourself. Also, I get a lot of self-consciousness, which feels like it developed during these last several years -- and you think people may be bothered by certain habits of yours, or don't like the way you look or any number of things that you think they dislike, to which they have absolutely no objection at all! Let that go; don't let a sense of "what if I seem weird" get to you; no one but you thinks that, bless you:)
I have June as a time that just isn't pleasant, whether it's in the past and represents a time you don't like to remember, or if it's going to be a tough June, for some reason, so if the latter is the case, to know ahead of time is to be well armed. I also associate this month with a mountain, but it doesn't look like it's very green; it looks like more of a desert-like cave, and I don't know again if this is a symbol or a physical place, but it's dry, arid, and it bothers me, and to get beyond that, I move toward two dolphins, and I don't know if you live where you can see live dolphins, but that would be SUCH a joy if you could; they will offer you the restoring sense of the cleansing water, away from that desert mountain place, and a sense of "ride the wave" AWAY from that mountain. The mountain place reminds me of Leo, or a lion, and the month of June. I feel you may have been involved with Leo men or in an important relationship with a Leo. Alternatively, the 14th of a month and the 4th of a month, or April, seem propitious and/or fortuitous, and this April, in particular, feels like a time of you taking the back seat just a bit and being a bit of a learner, a follower, in a group of like-minded people, as I mentioned before, and not put yourself in any position of leadership for the time being. Let others guide you, and remember that they will be HAPPY to, if they know you.
More precisely with love, as that was your question! I get more of a sense of "the group" than one individual, and though spirit does not understand time and I can't put an exact date on it, it feels as though this time next year, you will have shed many unnecessary, heavy layers, and will feel like a new person, both spiritually and physically, and that it will take that amount of time to really be able to open up enough to let a new love in, though I do feel this person is connected to "the groups" at large that I keep yammering on about. It may be that you even meet this person right away, this year, but would never think of him as a potential partner, etc., but then you will see him, and he you, in a completely different light one fine day! It's not over; I'll tell you that, for sure. Your love life is not even NEAR dead in the water because you don't WANT it to be; that takes care of itself!:)
In love relationships, have you sort of played up that martyr role? This isn't a judgment; it's just what I pick up; feels like you did this in a way that allowed someone else to be the "persecutor," if you see how I mean. But I think that's something you picked up and can now easily drop off; it's in the past.
This isn't all about groups, though; you are an artist in some way, and I feel like you can or have taught art to either children or younger people at some point, and that this is an ongoing talent. It seems to evolve with the times, and as you learn; you will teach yourself what you don't know.
Only other thing that nags at me a bit is your sensitive stomach, but I think that's owing more to your nervous strain, and the difficulties you've had to deal with for these past several years. It just feels very sensitive, like your "weak point." The only other thing that slightly nags at me regarding your love life is a slight need for either many affections, or changes in mood, and abrupt changes when you feel you are not being paid enough attention. Here, you can get a bit demanding, but I kind of see that as a strength!:)
I think that's all they have to give me, and I wish I could have touched more on your central question, but I can only hand over what I get as directly as I can. I hope this helps at least somewhat, and I will place your name and spirit in my heart with great hopefulness for your very own, new future!
Truth and Beauty,