aoa, my name is syed jamal anwar and by profeesion I am teacher and belong to gujrat, Pakistan, from last one year I am in deep trouble, now I will tell you my whole problem, last year my mother my mother died, since than I am in great sin feeling, I will that I am very big siner, last year my mother fall down and her hipbone fractured, she came to bed and even cant go to wash room, me and my father take care of her, we use papmer for her and most of the time I used to clean her and I put her pamper two times, I tried to take care of her, I was doing phd in Islamabad but I came to her to take care of her and want that when she will be better than I will again join the phd, she was cardic patient and also the severe patient of depression, she has no interest in life even she did not want to take meal, me and my father always force her to come back to life but she not co-operate us, some times I have to show aggression to her so that she take interst in things, some times I talked hard to her and some times I shout at her so that she will take some interest in life but some times I cant guess that what problem she have as she not told me clearely that what is happening to her. Some times I  completely loose hope when she not co-operate with us,  I am now too much repenting that I show aggression to her, due to this I have too much feeling that I did bad with my mother and I am siner. The day at which my mother died, I have very bad feelings, I will tell u in detail.
23rd may 2013. At 3pm my mother breathe start to broken, intiallity cant understand what happing, I took to hospital, her treatment started, I was standing with her bed and was praying that she will become fine, I have no feeling that she will die today and I was confirmed that she will be fine. Nurse asked me to go out as they want to do ecg of mother, I came out and praying that mother will get fine, after few minutes dr called me and said me that ur mother is dying and there is no chance that she will survive, as I heard that, I started to weep, I have a very strange feeling, my feeling is that it is good that mother is dying, she was so ill that today or tommrow she has to die, the grief which I have to bear tommrow I will bear today, than I also think that now I am free from the care of mother, now I will do my other things, after hearing that my over all feeling was that I was happy that mother is dying and after hearing that I want that mother will die, so that I will got free from her care, but all this feeling developed in me when dr asked me , there is no chance that your mother will survive, I came out of the ward and sit in hospital hall, still while sitting there I not pray for mother that she will survive, but I want that mother will die, dr called me and asked me that your mother is died, which I was wishing and in my mind it is coming that it is good that your mother is died, now u are free from each and every thing and u will live the life easily, these all feelings coming into my mind and I was weeping and weeping and thinking in that way. Utill I have not buried my mother I remained in that state and different types of feeling coming into my mind and I was weeping too much, after buring of my mother I came into senses and I feel that I loose a very big thing which has no compensation and feel that I am too much mean that I want that my mother will die, I feel very bad and due to these feelings I often think to do suicide because I feel that I am so mean that I have no right to live alive who want that her mother will die, all the times these thinkings came into my mind and I went into deep depression that how I can think like that for my mother whom I loved too much and for her I can give my life.  I daily went to her grave for fatheih and forgiveness of the sin which I did, I have too much repeantness and since the death of my mother I remained unable to do any thing, my whole life is destroyed, I cant live with these feeling, I feel that god and my mother never forgive me, kindly guide me what I will do, I am finshing, I will wait for reply. Sir one thing I again want to mention that all that feeling developed in me after hearing from doctor that there is no chance that my mother will survive befor that I never think for my mother death and always pray that she will get long age.  Now I also feel that I am so bad person that if my mother alive, I don’t know what I will do with her if she alive as I can think any bad thing, I have left no trust on me, I feel that I can do any bed thing, now I think most of the time that as I have to take care of my mother, so to get rid of her, these thoughts came into mind, now this thought also came into mind that I feel my mother a burden on me so I think I like that, but when she was alive I thought  that  I am taking very good care of her but now I feel that I did very bad with her, kindly help, I am finishing. I also feel that how much mean I am that I want that my mother will die so that I will get rid of her care, these thoughts finishing me, I am very big sin full person and I don’t know my mother and god will forgive me or not. These thoughts make me badly depressed, I feel that my intentions are not good towards my mother, now I think that I feel burden my mother on me because I take care of her so I want that she will die, I am badly depressed due to these thoughts. I think all this feeling devolped in me because I want to get rid from the care of mother so I want that she will die, this thought pinch me too much and some times I want to die and do sueside, I want that I can give kaffra of all that bad thinking and of my bad attitude towards my mother, I want my mother and allah forgive me, I think now that I not love my mother and feel her burden on me so these feelings came into my mind when she was dying, but when she was alive I always feel that I love her and taking graet care of her, in my opinion I am very bad son , I not take good care of my mother, but now I am too much repented and my mother gone and I not take her back and do her care and ask her to forgive what I did with her, time is gone when I realized that I did bad with her, kindly guide me what I will do. Most of time I feel that soon god will give me very big punishment yet god give me time and this time will finish any time as I am very big sinner.

, sir i loose confidence on myself, some times i feel that god and prayers of my mother are not with me, i feel that how can god help a bad person like me who wish that her mother should die so that he got rid of his care and want to live easy life, some times i feel that my soul is not there, it gone at that day when my mother was died, only my body is there, whenever i tried to do some good thing, it came into my mind no use u are very big sinner, i feel that i am very big sinner and all other people are much better than me because they love their mothers, i have no confidence on me, most of the time i think about deaths and always justifying in my mind that how i think that my mother should die. due to ur mail , i feel little relaxed. some times i got little better but some times these thoughts came into my mind so much that i remain unable to do any thing,

sir my father is with me, i am married since 7 years but i have no child, sir most of the time the events of the death day of my mother revolve around my eyes, i always feel that i was not good to my mother, some times i think that i not love my mother but i am afraid of god that he punish the people who not do good with their parents , so due to this fear i am always remembering my mother and think that i have not take good care of her otherwise i have no love for her, i frightened from god , these feelings i have most of the time, now i feel that every thing which i done in past is wrong and i was totally wrong. most of my time spent in thinking that how these thoughts came into my mind that mother should die and always try to justify myself that these are not my thoughts but than i cant beleive that these are not my thoughts,

Dear Syed
I read all your letter carefully and I want to remind you that according to your believe Alla never leave his children on earth always watch them and love them no matter what even when is angry Alla is like a great father. and also it is not Alla or your mother that are angry on you it is you that you need to forgive yourself because Alla wants for you what you wish for yourself and you need forgivness. so here is some ideas how you can fix this condition. first of all you remember that you have father and a wife and they probably need you very much no that your mother is gone, second of all when you think of your mother with guilt and sadness is making her soul get stuck around you and she cant let go because she sees you so sad and helpless and that makes her very sad, so what you need to do is to sit every day even just a little and remember the good times when she was healthy and happy and you were happy too and you need to go back to your study because if you do PHD maybe you will be able to help many other people like your mother to get better and survive
no one killed your mother, not even you, if anything you wanted to liberate her from her suffering and you were not wrong she suffered a lot and wanted to leave this life and just that you know million people like you who takes care for sick people are feeling just the same they cant help it because it is very hard to take care for long term sick people and you cant help getting frustrated. your wish that your mother will stop living was your mind way to deal with the horrible news that she is dying and the process of you letting her go, nothing more than that. feeling sad guilty and in sin is not the right way because your mother wants to see you happy and back to study and if she sees you sad and helpless she cant move on in her journey and she is kind of stuck between heaven and earth. help her pass on peacefully by showing her how you are back on your feet, being excellent in your study and give your wife and husband support and love. and as for not having child there is so many orphans in your land you can either try to adopt some and give them a lot of love or just support any local orphanage so that alla will see ho much you love all his kids even those who has less luck than you. Last word my dear you can heal sadness with love, you can heal everything with love, love for yourself too, if you do not love yourself you do not love one of gods children and that is a negative action, Love yourself forgive yourself , love your father and wife and love the kids that have no parents, even if you are now very sad and blame yourself try to practice just a little bit of love to everyone around you and you will see how slowly the love come closer and make you more happy and even bring you back to life again because it is like you want to die with your mother and you know how that can make everyone sad around you. Forgive yourself first and that Alla will show you that you are not a sinner . I hope that you will read this answer very carefully and few times even until you realize that you can get better and start feel better about it. I am sorry for your lost I lost my mother when I was 28 but she was very sick and it was her time so my last words to her were that she can go now, I will take care of things and we are going to be ok, because I freed her from feeling guilty that she has to die so soon, and she understood me and died in my arms, we were at peace both of us and I know she is not suffering any more, your mother is not suffering any more help her move on by showing her you are smiling again and alive. Inshalla soon you will find comfort and come back to be happy.  


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