Psychology/Stalking....

Advertisement


Question
Ok,very long story for me to you to provide enough information to get the best answer. Had paranoia feelings leaving my garage door open today.
 Last year in very early June(Sunday)I meet a woman online for a meet and greet. We both enjoyed each other and set up several future activities. Keep in touch via phone and text messaging until(Tuesday) she called me and said her youngest son had died.He OD on drugs. I keep in touch and set condolences and prays. She called me one day(10 days) after she buried her son and her family was gone and wanted to meet again. Why it took so long to bury him the police needed to keep his body for investatgation.

 Now who we are. I am a lower middle class auto sales person and she is a professional business owner. We live a beautiful Gulf Coast city in SW Florida.  I am 51 and she is 56 at this time. I am a very handsome man and she is a very pretty woman. I have a very out going personality and can talk to anyone...I guess confident. I have a gift to gab. She is a socialite and knows this town in and out and alot of people. Mother of three boys 28(one who OD'ed),31 and 33. I am a single parent of a 15 year old boy that I have been raising since he was a infant.His mother is very Bi-polar. I have been in a few short relaionships prior of her's and she hasn't been one in over a year and she told me that before me she was thinking she was A-sexual. I have been sober over 21 years and she drinks wine and has only one or two at the most. She was the fourth date of the week when I meet her . I am very cautious in who I get involved with because of my son. And still am.

 Our relationship. The second time we meet which I was very scared on how to deal with situation we went out to eat and was invited over to her house. I stayed over that night and every night after that for months. My son that day just flew up north to stay by his grandfathers for the summer like he always did in the past. So we spent every minute besides work together and you can see that its getting unhealthy already. Lots of red flags. She could not be left alone we I was with her. I had to sit next to her very close at all times. She would yell and scream at me. Repeatly at night. My friends would say that's not your problem...get away from her. Her son's death and grieving wasn't my problem. I was her doormat. I felt guilty if I left her at this time. Now later I found out she had mental disorders...like my ex-wife. We both went to her counsler. She couldn't take medication because it made her stomach sick..they tried 20 different kinds. Once she yell at me for two days....why.why.why....I want a answer. Because I left her alone inside her house to talk to her brother from the East Coast for 15 minutes which I meet a few weeks ago that was visiting us. Thats just one of many. All her friends and family loved me not the the other case with mine. As I see now she was very needy. Not just because of her son...she has been like this for awhile. God put me in her life for a reason at that time.... This goes on for 4 months and getting worse. My son came back at the end of summer and I couldn't give her all my attention on her. We stay at my house periodically. My son's Grandmother lives across the street from me. My ex-mother in-law. Over eight years living across the street helping me out raising my son. I am always to blame and my fault. I apologized all the time ....so we are both co-dependents in this relationship going bad. We had sex everyday. She had 5 orgasms in one night,the most she said in her whole life. She said to me and her counsler that what she loved about me the most. I think we were sexual addicted to each other. Lust? I fell in love with her.  She said she loved me more than any other man. I deeply loved her too. Can someone that is Borderline love someone? As you can see our relationship is going bad to worse,especially when I got tired of her stepping all over my boundaries and put my foot down. I just couldn't take her meanness and anger anymore. Her anxiety attacks. Now I am not perfect....yes I have issues. But I was very submissive to her,that's not me. My sister pointed that out to me,why are you letting her walk all over you,thats not you. So we broke up end of October and went back and forth until Christmas day. That was our last day together. It got ugly verbally on the phone, texting, and emails on "both" ends.I said some mean things that were very unchristian like. We both started to see others. Never was any violence. The only thing was she threw my cell phone in her pool. I warned her if she kept yelling at me and treating me like she did .....I would leave her. So I did. Arguments got worst because I stood up for myself. I lost 35 pounds in 6 months. I couldn't eat sleep or work. I was emotionally,mentally,spiritually, and physically exhausted. Yet, I still cared and loved her. We still kept in touch. She invited me over for New Years Eve. We argued over the phone it was cancelled and thats when I decided to say to myself enough is enough. No more contact. Which I was guilty of contacting her ....more me than her. I was trying to end this in a humanly and christian way. A nice closure. We just couldn't do it. I still would let her screaming at me and tell what a bad person I was. She looked so unhealthy herself. Because of her son's death and our relationship. I hope I don't have to bury my child...I see what it can do to someone. So, I stop calling her. So much more to tell....

Finally to the stalking question. I was talking about going back to church when we were together because I was missing something terrible inside. GOD. Stress of her son's death and her mental illness I NEEDED SOMETHING! She watch Joel Olsten every Sunday morning which I did with her but to me that wasn't enough. She knows this city inside and out.and me too. She suggested three churches in town. Remember there are 100's in this town. I couldn't get her to go...so me being co-dependent I never  managed to go too either. So, the end of November I started to go to one of the suggested churches by myself. Instantly,I feel in love with this church and got God back in my life. I went to almost every service that was offered. I am a reborn christian now and going to church at least twice a week and involved in small groups heavily. Man, I feel so good inside. Different church though has you will read. I pray a lot now and for her too. I am gaining my weight back,working out on a regular basis, and not power dating anymore. My son and our relationship is back to normal. Hate myself for that and still angry at myself. Forgiving myself is the hardest. I forgave her and pray for her and her son. Back on track.
 Now the following Sunday after New Years...I was leaving church and there she was walking in front of me. Turned around and looked into to my eyes....instant anger. I approached her and contronted her and asked her why are you here. My church ,I came here first. Now she hasn't been to church in over two years and hasn't been to this one in 5 years. Contact started again...leave me alone. Tried in a nice way,but that never works with her. So,it gets nasty verbally again. She got what she wanted...a rise out of me. Next week, shows up again. This time I sat next to her and asked why....what is the purpose. I know why now. More nasty contact. Next Sunday,no show. Thank you God. I send her a email and said thank you. Well, next Sunday she comes and with her new boyfriend . Really,why? Resentment? Again I approach her and question her motives. No answer. Finally, I listened to friends and family. "Go to another church". One more contact...I am going to a different church please leave me alone. I call her in the morning , that afternoon she filed a temporary stalking injunction on me. Stating I was harassing her. Seriously!
 We go to court. Now the judge asked her to explain why he should grant her a permanent injunction against me. Side track a little here. Now I haven't gotten a parking ticket in over 20 years. My attorney looked her up...
Last two boyfriends had battery chrages against her.
I am the "Fourth' one she has filed against in the last 11 years.
Won all three. Now this beautiful business woman that has been driving me crazy for the last 8 months has more trial time than the judge. Really! Now judge is listening to her and catching lie after lie. My attorney and I never talk except for a few questions he asked her. She knew I was going there. The judge knew I was going there. She knew what service I was going to...because I told her and after service I would go visit her son's grave. Can someone be that delusional? The judge said "ma'am you are asking for a stalking order but you are going to the church that he is attending. That wipes out what are you are asking for. No other church you can go to? No,he can go to a different service or don't bother me in church. I am venting here. Sorry! Wrong for me to approach her in church..I know...just trying to stand my grounds and boundaries with her...has you can see...not going to happen. Of course it was dimissed. I was going to a different church before the filing. She has left me alone. I still have a little fear she is behind me in church when I attend my church. The garage door I left open today when I went to work. My ex-mother in-law call me and told me. But I was fear of her getting into my house. Do I need to worry? Is she done with me? My attorney said let her be...she is disturb. He would know,he goes to court all the time. Know I still think about her and question myself. I still visit he son's grave periodically. I have been told because I mentioned before to others that could of been me....when I was drinking and had suicidal thoughts when I was his age. That I was internalizing. I am the only one beside his mother that visits his grave. I am the only one that buy flowers for him. I have never met him. My counsler at church says I should go there for me,but go when she knows you won't be there. Is that ok? Is that selfish of me?I pray that she gets well. I pray that my anger goes away at myself for letting this happen to me again. My son's mother was the same way...called police and human services all the time until the judge told her to leave me alone and went on probation for 6 months. Yes I chose the wrong women. Going to a small group at church,How to avoid marrying a jerk...its a book! Will she every stalk me again? How can the stalker think she is the victim?

Thank you very much,
Be honest and hit me with reality
God bless you

Brian

Answer
Brian,

Thank you for submitting your questions to me here at AllExperts! It sounds like a very difficult and involved relationship with this woman. I cannot speak to the likelihood of her continuing the relationship as I do not know her, but I think you are wise to be cautious. If you can identify that she has been stalking you, then you should initiate your own relief through the courts. I think your counselor is giving you excellent support and would encourage you to continue talking with him/her.

Best wishes,
Dr. Luna

Psychology

All Answers


Answers by Expert:


Ask Experts

Volunteer


Kristina Luna

Expertise

I specialize in clinical psychology with particular experience in clinical hypnosis, borderline personality disorder, LGBTQ, and aging. I have not worked with children for several years and would not feel comfortable answering child and adolescent based questions. My interests in adult psychology are fairly diverse, so please, sent me a question and lets see if I can help.

Experience

I have been working in the field of psychology, to some degree, since 1998. Initially, my work was more behaviorally based, but through my educational and training experiences, I have expanded to a more eclectic viewpoint. I have taught introductory psychology and have worked in college counseling. I have also studied hypnosis for several years, completing my dissertation on basic research in hypnosis. Finally, I completed my internship and residency in a transitional treatment program for young adults (18 - 16) with difficulty transitioning from home.

Education/Credentials
Doctor of Psychology 2009 Indiana University of Pennsylvania Indiana, Pennsylvania Master of Arts in Psychology 2002 MCP Hahnemann/Drexel University Philadelphia, Pennsylvania Bachelor of Arts in Psychology 1997 Keuka College Keuka Park, New York

©2016 About.com. All rights reserved.