Expert: Stephen Barichko - 5/16/2007

Question
QUESTION: I am married and each week, I see this married dad because of our carpool arrangement.  We are both dedicated family people, and I know it's bad, bad, bad, but I have developed a strong attraction to him.  Although I think I have always been attracted to him the past few years, I haven't had much interaction with him, and so it was easy to put out of my mind. I never thought much of it. I am wondering if the the attraction is mutual or not, but I feel so drawn to him, and always have, for some reason. It's just that now, seeing him on a more regular basis makes it hard to ignore this intoxicating feeling.

When he comes to get his child, he seems to linger, rather than just pick up and leave, but there is no conversation about anything other than children or family things. Anyway, tonight when I saw him, I opened up a conversation with him by bringing up a subject about something that is going on in his life with his family that I knew he could talk to me about (I was trying to see how he responded to me and to make him more comfortable around me, without being overtly flirtatious).  As he was talking, my body was facing him, but he was not facing me; he was facing straight ahead, not towards me, and looking straight ahead at the windows, children, anything but me, as he was talking to me.  I don't think I have ever had a conversation with someone where they didn't look at me the whole time they're talking to me.  Then, after a bit, he turned a little bit more toward me, but certainly not mirroring me, and still barely looked me in the eye the whole time we were talking.  Then as he left, as he was walking out, he turned his head and finally looked me in the eye as he said goodbye.  He has done this before.  This is how he says good bye to me. There was one time, I know, he gave me a long look, with wide open eyes as he said goodbye, from his car, from a distance. I must have felt then that he was interested, for that moment, because I had that elated feeling of "He likes me, he likes me."  Unless that was my complete imagination that he likes me.

I would never have an affair, but I am so curious as to why I am feeling so attracted to this one person, and whether or not his intentional not looking at me until he walks out the door is because he's afraid to have his feelings exposed, or because he could care less about me.  \

I am curious to know what you think.  Thank you so much.

ANSWER: Hi Lisa-
  Well, I can see that out of your desperation you have studied up on your body language cues. That being said, I'm sure that what I'm going to tell you might not be as big a surprise as you were hoping.
  To answer your first question: this guy is definitely not into you--at all. His body language cues are in the classic "stay away" position--non-mirroring, standing perpendicular to you, looking away, no physical contact. This are classic nonverbal cues that he is NOT interested in you-to the point of not even wishing to become anything more than courteous with you. The few times when you say he has exhibited strong cues can be chalked up to pure coincidence, or maybe you even manufactured something that wasn't there--very likely. In any event, his body language cues of refusal are evident.
  Why are you so attracted to him? Simple. Because you can't have him. Psychologists call this the "Romeo and Juliet Effect"--people desire that which they can not possess, often romanticizing the object of that desire. People go crazy over something they cannot possess or control if they should want to. So the idea that you see this attractive man who you can't have and who can't have you for obvious reasons only heightens your attraction--you make it into this mysterious, lustful little engagement and obsess over it, when really that is all your mind playing tricks on you.
  Also, be careful about the whole affair ordeal. I'm a Freudian psychologist--and so you defending yourself by saying you would never have an affair is code for "I have thought about it and under the right circumstances I would probably do it." In a relationship such as yours, entertaining the idea of an affair is very dangerous, especially with this man, who does not care for you at all. If you are having problems with your husband or are not happy with him, please try to seek counseling by a professional rather than disrespecting your commitment to him. I hope this helps.
         --Steve


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I appreciate your painfully honest answer.  It has helped put my feelings into proper perspective and I have since "let go" of the idea of actually being with this man.  I do think you are probably right in your analysis of the situation, but couldn't his body language also be a way for him to hide his feelings, or avoid making his feelings apparent to me, since I know that he or I are not going to jeopardize our marriages.  Although I have let go of the fantasy of being with him, I still find myself to be attracted to him when he comes a knockin' at my door.  I don't think about him anymore like I used to, but still can't seem to shake the feeling of attraction in the air when I talk to him. I have a hard time believing that it is all just my imagination.  Thanks.

Answer

Body language never lies. Always remember that. The reflexes and responses of the body in response to its environment are involuntary--they cannot be controlled by conscious thought. They are the left-overs of a watered-down evolutionary "fight or flight" response. Your man isn't "pretending" to be shutting you out for the sake of hiding his feelings. His body language, if anything, reflects his truest feelings.
And if you're having a hard time believing that something as powerful as this could be all imaginative on your part, I should tell you that there is a documented medical condition in which the body manifests symptoms of certain recognized illnesses without actually having the illness. Why? Because the mind (the person) convinces the body that it is sick. The mind is a powerful thing--don't understimate it.
         --Steve