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Psychology/Reading body language of a married man I have a crush on...

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roscoe wrote at 2007-06-23 03:40:01
While it seems clear that he is giving the signs that he doesn't want to get any closer to you, there is more than one possible motive for this.  His motive might be that he simple isn't interested.  However, he might be interested, and that might make him all the more afraid, being careful not to lead you on at all, not even meeting your eyes to make sure there isn't a connection you two make.  A lot of information is exchanged between people non-verbally, and if you have the impression that he is attracted to you it is very likely the case.  Though it is of course possible, as Steve says, that you are deceiving yourself, though it seems to me unlikely.  



How to deal with this?  I am but 21 and have little experience, but I might imagine that it might help to think of it this way.  You probably could have him if you wanted to, maybe not, but it doesn't matter, because you don't want him.  It is clear that you are curious about him.  You might be more curious about yourself and are exploring this through him however, as a mother, you may feel that you are past the point of falling in love, you are committed to your family.  But, have you yet managed to attract another man?  Many men and women wonder if they are still capable of such things when they are past the point in their lives where they wish to do them, but they yet wonder about the possibility of it.  But, as a married woman with children your sexual interaction with your husband might have become very limited.  Perhaps you could try and make time to spend with him, go on a date with him once and a while, or find some way to get away from the kid(s) for an evening.


Stephen Barichko wrote at 2007-07-12 12:07:11
Well Roscoe--

I'm glad that you got your little moment of fame in the psychology department. But I am well into my 40's and have been a psychologist for many years; I don't really think you have the knowledge or the experience to dismiss any answer that I give to a questioner so whimsically as you did. In fact, I doubt you have little, if any, training in human behavior that qualifies you to even write such a followup as you did, which is why I am a little irritated. It is inexperienced people like you giving advice to people that make them do incredibly idiotic things and make bad, uninformed decisions. You don't know what you're talking about, so I'll thank you to stop playing "Dr. Phil" and go add to someone else's answers. Come talk to me when you're out of your 20's and have been doing this as long as I have.


Me wrote at 2010-03-08 12:27:09
Ok I read almost the whole answer from the freudian physcologist and I have to say that I disagree 100% becuase inlike this therapist I have a real life experience. I like this guy at work and I think about him all the time and if he walks into the room I wont even look at him or awknowlegde him and I do this to prevent him from knowing I like him, trust me when I read what your rationale behind his behavior towards you is I felt that you were talking right to me, somtimes things are no straight text book I think that sometimes you need the opinion of someone who has actually lived through an experience rather than reading about it.  


Crushing on McCall wrote at 2010-04-20 03:35:15
Oh, I don't know about this one... I have a major crush on this guy at work. I find myself very nervous around him, and when I talk to him I find myself often facing sideways instead of face to face. I tend to look away when talking to him. I have to physically force myself to face him and look him in the eye whenever I notice my unnatural posture. Just the thought of talking to him makes my hard race, and I have a hard time being my regular personable self when I'm around him. I think about him all the time, but yes, when I do talk to him I tend to take this sideways stance!

He is similarly uncomfortable and nervous when are alone together! We are both married with children.  


aminata wrote at 2010-08-31 03:41:11
this is very interesting, im married and there is a contractor working at my home, who is also married.  Body language and behavior are very powerful, it can deceive the observer and it can even inform the observer. I have experienced this with the contractor.  I feel attracted to him and I also feel that he is responding.  When I approach him to offer him something to drink, he looks at me directly in the eyes and then I catch him looking at my bosom and behind, but then he quickly changes his sight.  I just continue looking at him because I like him.  Then, one time he supposedly left his glasses downstairs while working and return to get them, and on another occasion he knocked on the front door and said that the bottom door was locked.  I feel he wants to have an affair with me but just feels afraid to initiate.


Yuli wrote at 2011-03-30 01:03:39
Hi Lisa



It could be that you are drawn to the mystery of not knowing why he is behaving this way. These are a rather odd displays during a personal conversation. The possible reasons he is acting this way are many, and yes maybe the two of you are sharing a romantic attraction.Then again, he could just be needing a friend to confide in. If you're comfortable enough listening to him and talking with him, maybe the two of you might explore this matter.


Forensic Psychologist wrote at 2011-06-30 06:21:32
It could be possible that he already has knowledge of body language and how to use it. He might have assumed the opposite body postures, as he might be shy, might be afraid to have an affair...maybe he too is in a dilemma and doesn't want to sour his future chances!



The main idea here is that he already has enough knowledge of body language to deceive you into believing a wrong idea. Now its up to you to lift the veil, look under the hood and get to know the real feelings of the man. One way you can accomplish this is by dragging him into a discussion of family life and kids (the he sooo likes), and let it lead into the extramarital affairs topic. Claim that you yourself know a few how are having casual flings, and to let him know verbally (AND non-verbally) that you thought he was having an affair as he seemed smart/ handsome (in short anything that could give his ego a small boost!, and to let him know that you yourself sometimes felt like having an affair when you had a bad day with your hubby!



This way you're the one who is taking the reins of the discussion and he might not be prepared for these topics. This in turn would cause some discomfort and tension in him, and makes him lose control over his body language...even for a few seconds. Now if you apply all the body language that you've been learning over the years, you probably could get the cat out of the bag for sure.



Hope I've given you some practical advice to work towards your answer!


Yellowflower wrote at 2011-08-23 10:52:27
But steve...does saying any of this actually help the lady stop obsessing about him, wouldn't she just keep obsessing now that you have said he has no romantic interest in her. When someone is dibbed like that, attraction grows stronger. So in effect, you have not actually "helped her", in the fact the advice has further aggravated the obsessive attractive feelings.



I don't think the advice you gave her was helpful in the long run, advice need not be painful.


Eva wrote at 2013-07-05 10:03:45
I wouldn't say these responses are entirely true... A guy that was at one point attracted to me (the first time we met we made out) acts exactly the same when he sees me and although I don't quite know why he acts the way he does it doesn't necessarily mean that he isn't attracted. It could be that he is attracted but the consequences that come along with him being attracted to you scares him and so he chooses to "run away" from those feelings in a sense. That being said, I think it's really important that you respect his commitments to his wife and family and you respects your commitments because regardless of whether you are mutually attracted, you 2 are clearly not ready nor in a position to take action on those feelings.  


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Stephen Barichko

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I am a Freudian expert that can answer any and all questions about Freudian Psychology (Psychoanalysis)-This includes the stages of Psychosexual Development, Defense Mechanisms, and Dream Interpretation.

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