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Punk Rock/lyrics help pleasee?

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Question
Hi :) i'm writing a song right now and i would greatly appreciate it if you could give me sone opinions on these two lines:

I feel torn between life and death,
canīt discern my existence from being deaf for the things that surround me

it's a rock song, as you may already know
thank you so much!

Answer
K;

Songs can be very personal or universal, sometimes at the same time.  People construct their own meanings, anyway, no matter what you may think the song is about.  I can only assume that these mean something to you...and really, that's all that matters.

So, my 'opinion' is irrelevant, and may not help you at all.  But, with that disclaimer, some thoughts:

The first line is fairly dramatic, but seems clear enough...there is some problem that you feel so strongly about that it could kill you...or that you're not sure if you can continue living under these circumstances.  Remember, it doesn't HAVE to be clear to anyone, not even yourself (it's a rock song, it's about FEELINGS!), but let's look at what you said, and maybe it will help you to continue.

You say you can't tell if you're even alive because you can't feel your surroundings...(feel, hear, connect with, etc). Now, rock and roll doesn't give a fuck about grammar rules, but I should mention a couple of things here.  'Discern' is a great word...but maybe a little intellectual for an existential cry...in a letter, fine...but in a rock song, you can probably be pretty direct and use the word 'feel'. Two examples from -randomly-1965- James Brown " I FEEL good...I knew that I would now", and Bob Dylan " How does it FEEEL to be on your own?" .  The way they say 'feel' makes us feel it, too...both good and bad ways

Maybe there's a better word than feel, or maybe you WANT to be more intellectual...I'm just saying. By the way, use 'to' or 'from' with deaf...deaf from a loud noise, or deaf to your complaints...but not deaf 'for' anything.  

Are these things that surround you people? Feelings?  Why are you deaf to those things?  Is it your fault?

Ok, I'm not sure if this will help any, or confuse you, or mean nothing at all, but since you asked, those were my thoughts about those two lines.  I hope all goes well with the song, however you end up writing it.

cheers,

Timo

Punk Rock

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timothy sasscer

Expertise

I can answer question on the first generation of punk (1974-1981), both American (especially Cleveland and NYC) and English, post-punk bands of note from 1981 to present , and am quite knowledgable on reggae, especially 1971-1981

Experience

25 years as a musician/producer, avid concertgoer and inastiable reader/researcher on the subject

Publications
perfect sound forever (online music zine), contributor to various other sites (Bob Marley, The Fall, Public Image, for example)

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