AboutS. Kessler Expertise I can answer most any questions regarding a husband wife relationship. Whatever the question may be. I would like to help you find an answer to it. If you want an honest and unbiased opinion on things then ask away. I have been divorced with 3 children, a single mother, and I'm remarried. I know what it is like to have a spouse cheat on you, to be taken advantage of, to feel like everything is hopeless (being depressed), emotions (the up`s and down`s). I will try to answer anything you have on your mind about husband-wife relationships, divorce, adultery, etc. Please don`t hesitate to ask.
Expert: S. Kessler Date: 6/22/2008 Subject: Finding courage to end unheathy marriage
Question I really need help with leaving my marriage and knowing that I will be ok. This is my 3rd marriage. I've been married for 11 years. But it has been an emotional roller coaster for about 6. I keep hoping that things will change and they don't. He is very disrespectful and blames me for everything. If I try to communicate with him I try to not attack (like he says). It never fails that I fear making a comment to him because he will get mad and just point the finger back at me. Most of the time I am reluctant to bring something up knowing the outcome. My problem is that I have filled for divorce 2 times and withdrew the first time, because he was so crued that I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't take the emotional abuse. The 2nd time he was seeing another women and I felt devasated. For whatever reason when I think I've made my mind and this time I will do it. About 4-6 weeks after the intial incident I start missing him. I feel very scared to follow thru. I am unable to keep my mind in the direction that I know is best. I feel absolutely out of control with fear. I was diag with MS 8 years ago, and I definately fear my future alone. I fear being alone, never have for any length of time. I know that is what I should do, but I actually get devastated. I have been seeing a therapist for 3 weeks. I was certain that I was going to leave this time. Now 4 weeks later I don't think that I can go thru with it. Please help me, he really causes alot of stress in my life and so wish that for once I could find happiness in my life. I am 47years old with 3 kids 28, 21and 11. please help me find the courage.
Answer Hi Donna~
You know that you have to leave him. The longer you stay with him the more he's bringing you down with him. You have to file a third time and go through with it. I know that it's very difficult to do, I've certainly been there and done that. The hardest part is taking the first step and then actually going through with it. I filed the first time and was separated from my ex for 8 months the first time. I made the stupid decision to give him another chance and it came back to bite me in the butt. Getting back together only lasted 2 yrs from the time we got back together and reconciled. He hadn't changed like he promises (he was a good liar too). So the second time I kicked him out and filed again and then I went through with it. I almost let him talk me into taking him back a second time, luckily my senses kicked in. Don't get me wrong it was tough to not go back to him. I thought I loved him and wanted to make it work, but I knew in my heart of hearts he was never going to change (still hasn't after 10 yrs either).
You can go through with this, you have to look deep within yourself to get all the will power that he took from you. He's taken your will-power, your self-esteem, your self-worth and most of all your spirit. So while you can't control how he acts, you do control how you react to him (and others). He can't make you feel inferior w/o your permission. You have to take back that control from him. See you teach a person how to treat you. When you stop and think about it it's very true. Isn't it about time that you started caring about you, and how you feel? This isn't about him anymore, it's about you. If you stay with him he'll continue to make you miserable and bring you down with him.
If you have a support system of family and friends in place then it'll make leaving him a little more bearable. It's still going to be tough to do. All of these thoughts and feelings are totally normal for you to have. Including wanting to go back to him, feeling depressed, sad, etc. The first year is the roughest when you're going through a divorce and separation. The choice is yours to make. You can do it if you put your mind to it.
