AboutGraham Smith B.PHIL Expertise I can help with any question on marriage, based on my 29 years of marriage. I also have two children, and one granddaughter.
Experience 29years of marriage.
Education/Credentials I have a bachelor of Philosophy from the Liverpool university (UK)
Expert: Graham Smith B.PHIL Date: 6/30/2008 Subject: Husband's apparent mid-life crisis
Question I've seen several of your responses and in my opinion you seem to have your finger on the pulse of
the mid-life crisis issue. I am 41 years old and my husband is 38 and will turn 39 later this year.
About a month ago, he told me that he's having an identity crisis. He said he woke up one day and
didn't recognize himself and didn't know what he was doing here. He said he hates our house,
hates our neighborhood, hates his job and generally feels dead inside. He's been acting extremely
depressed. Last week alone he spent about 16 hours a day cooped up in his room on his computer
and on his phone. He said he needs to be left alone to try and figure it all out. I've told him that I
miss him and he says that he misses him too. About a week after the first disclosure, he told me
that he loves me as a person, but thinks he's fallen out of love with me. He said he doesn't feel any
passion anymore for me, but doesn't feel any passion for anything else either. He said he couldn't
be affectionate with me at all anymore because he just doesn't feel it. He said he's not sure what he
wants. This came as a serious blow as for the past 13 years of marriage he's been the most
affectionate person I've ever known. I've searched high and low for another woman as I was
convinced that had to be a factor, but honestly all he does is hang around the house moping, so I
don't think that's it. I think it's a perfect storm in his life. First, he hates his job. It's been really
bad for about a year and getting worse. Second, he's in his last class for his BS degree and he was
having a hard time with that class. We have a big trip coming up that he wants to turn out perfectly.
He turns 39 soon and he hates living in a subdivision. I think the stress finally got to be too much
and something just flipped in his head. What do you think? We have a 12 year old son who he says
is his world, but he's even had trouble spending time with him. Our son went away to camp for a
week and my husband didn't even go with me to drop him off. That snapped something in me and I
went home, packed my bag and went to a hotel for the night. At first he was upset that I was going
to leave and we sat and spoke for about an hour. It went back and forth with each one of us taking
a turn at crying. He keeps telling me that he's trying to find a way back to me, but he can't
guarantee me anything. I've had a hard time believing what he's telling me about what he's going
through because I really can't understand it. Fortunately, I'm in constant contact with his best friend
and confident who is helping me to navigate things from my end. Yesterday morning, I blew a
gasket as the pressure is getting to me and I told him to pack his stuff and go. Of course, he ended
up staying and we've actually had a decent 24 hours. He got very angry with me, but he spoke with
his friend who told him to quit being so selfish and realize that this isn't just about him that he's
affecting us too. For the past year, we planned a trip to Ireland to pay his aunt back for a sacrifice
she made for my husband's father. Things were going so good until this happened. Our 13th
anniversary will occur during that week and I'm reluctant to go at this point. He keeps asking me to
hold on until then as he thinks some of the stress will come off by then and maybe we'll find that
spark again. Of course, I want to find that spark before the trip, but it's hard when we don't have
much contact. He is finally starting to hug me again. Yesterday, we were out with our son and we
ran into someone who gave me some very bad news. My emotions were already running high and at
that point, I just completely lost it and couldn't stop crying for hours. He was very comforting and
told me that he couldn't stand to see me hurt. I told him that I felt like my world was ending. For
the past couple of weeks every conversation was caveated with "if things work out." Today when he
hugged me, he held me tight and I kissed him on the neck. He said "I didn't tell you could kiss me
on the neck, but I'll let you get away with it this time." Then he giggled and snuggled up to my
cheek before he started tickling me and we went back to what we were doing. He'll never know how
much that meant to me as it was the most affection I've had from him in a month. He keeps giving
me mixed signals. Last night he told our son maybe "we'll" get you a PS3 for Christmas. Today he
complained that someone planted a tree in our sight line of the fountain behind the house because
when it grows up it's going to block his view of the fountain. All I could think is "are you going to
be here?" I believe he still loves me but it's just masked by anger, resentment and depression. He
says that he's never gotten his way throughout our marriage and he's had to completely
compromise who he is through the years. No one who knows him agrees with that. As a matter of
fact they see it as he's been a complete control freak. He has said that he feels bad for being such a
butt through the years, but had to to get through to me. HELP!!! I need to know how to survive
this!!!
Answer Hi Beth, thanks so much for your marks
graham
Hi Beth,
it may seem to you that "stress" is always something that someone else has,but it looks like your hubby is very stressed out indeed,this in turn makes your stress levels go higher.
Stress can be defined as the way you feel when you're under too much pressure. Research suggests that a moderate amount of pressure can be positive, making us more alert, helping to keep us motivated, and making us perform better. However, too much pressure, or prolonged pressure, can lead to stress. Stress can cause illness and physical and emotional problems. Research has shown that around 12 million adults see their GP with mental health problems each year. Most of these have anxiety and depression, much of it stress-related.
When you are stressed, your body produces more of the so-called 'fight or flight' chemicals, which prepare your body for an emergency.Adrenaline and noradrenaline raise your blood pressure, increase the rate at which your heart beats and increase the rate at which you perspire. They can also reduce blood flow to your skin and reduce your stomach activity. Cortisol releases fat and sugar into your system (but also reduces the efficiency of your immune system).All of these changes make it easier for you to fight or run away, which was extremely useful to the human race in past times.
Unfortunately these changes are less helpful if you are stuck in a busy office or on an overcrowded train. You cannot fight or run away, and so cannot use the chemicals your own body has produced to protect you. Over time these chemicals and the changes they produce can damage your physical and mental health.
For example, you may start to experience headaches, nausea and indigestion. You may breathe more quickly, perspire more, have palpitations or suffer from various aches and pains such as:
* chest pains,
* constant tiredness,
* constipation or diarrhoea,
* cramps or muscle spasms,
* craving for food,
* dizziness,
* fainting spells,
* lack of appetite,
* nail biting,
* feeling sick,
* frequent crying,
* nervous twitches or muscle spasms,
* pins and needles,
* restlessness,
* sleeping problems, and
* a tendency to sweat.
Longer term you may be putting yourself at risk from high blood pressure, heart attacks, strokes, impotence.
Emotional changes
When you are stressed you may experience many different feelings, including anxiety, fear, anger, frustration and depression. These feelings can themselves produce physical symptoms, making you feel even worse. Extreme anxiety can cause giddiness, heart palpitations, headaches or stomach disorders. Many of these symptoms may make you feel so unwell that you then worry that you have some serious physical conditions such as heart disease or cancer, making you even more stressed.
When you are stressed you may behave differently. For example, you may become withdrawn, indecisive or inflexible. You may not be able to sleep properly. You may be irritable or tearful all the time. There may be a change in your sexual habits, and even if you were previously mild-mannered you may suddenly become verbally or physically aggressive.
All sorts of situations can cause stress. The most common involve work, money matters and relationships with partners, children or other family members. Stress may be caused either by major upheavals and life events such as divorce, unemployment, moving house and bereavement, or by a series of minor irritations such as feeling undervalued at work or dealing with difficult children. Sometimes there are no obvious causes. Some people seem to suffer from stress more than other people. Psychologists call these people 'type A'. Type A people tend to be impatient, driving and sometimes aggressive. They also seem to suffer a higher than average incidence of heart attacks. People who abuse alcohol or drugs are also more likely to suffer from stress.
Do not be afraid to seek professional help if you feel that you are no longer able to manage things on your own. Many people feel reluctant to seek help as they feel that it is an admission of failure. This is not true and it is important to get help as soon as possible so you can begin to get better. The first person to approach is your GP. He or she should be able to advise about treatment and may refer you to another local professional such as a counsellor. Treatment can involve talking your problems through with someone trained to deal with stress conditions and may also mean the use of medication for a short period. There are also a number of voluntary organisations which can help you to tackle the causes of stress and advise you about ways to get better. Remember that you are dealing with stress and your own stress levels are very high when your hubby acts the way he does. I am sorry this reply is longer,i thought i should search the net for answers you can read right away,rather then send you looking at websites,although the net has many,many sites that deal with stress and related problems.
good luck Beth.
