AboutDr Tim Gladu Expertise I will be willing to answer general questions on marriage. I will give the advice from the aspect of what the Bible has to say and the advice will be based on the Word of God. I do not give medical advice.
Experience Experience in the area: I have 12 Years in Ministry. I have also been happily married for 20 years and have raised 3 Children
Southern Baptist. Education/Credentials: Bachelor’s degree in Ministry, a Masters in Pastoral Counseling and a Doctorate in Theology.
Expert: Dr Tim Gladu Date: 6/20/2008 Subject: Marriage Issues
Question Dr. Gladu,
My husband & I are both 40, we've been married 8yrs and have 1 child. I'm not sure that we ever had a good marriage. I think I have a lot of build up resentment toward him. He talks down to me and doesn't appreciate anything that I do. He takes me for granted and doesn't show any love. I am confused at what I should do. We bicker about a lot of little things. I used to be a fairly social person and outgoing, but lately, I am a little stressed out in this marriage. He is the opposite, no friends and not social. Therefore, he feels that I shouldn't be. I feel as though I am constantly defending myself, whether I want to see a friend or family, or just going to work. When our child was born, we decided that I would give up my FT job and stay home, except for a PT job that I do a few days while my child is in school and sometimes I have to do something in the evening, when my husbnad gets home, but he complains constantly, but he likes that I have money to buy food, etc. We are in a good financial situation. Everytime I leave the house, he complains, even if our child is with me. But, he doesn't want to do much. He works until 6:30, comes home and is in bed by 8pm. I feel like he doesn't try to make our relationship any better and puts in zero effort. I am always walking on egg shells around him, to the point that sometimes it is very hard for me to even spend time with him. He is jealous of others and makes comments about everyone, including my family. He is always putting my family done, esp my mother. We are not perfect, but we are good decent people. I feel like he wants a mother instead of a partner. He never surprises me with something nice or takes me anywhere, if we do go somewhere, it is apparent that he wants to get it over with quickly and get home. Mother's day went by unacknowlegded. A few weeks ago, he was mad at me for some trival thing, as usual and he kicked me in the butt! He claims that he just pushed me with his foot. He has never laid a hand on me before. I was shocked and didn't know what to do. He has brought down my self esteem and I feel tired of this situation. We were married in the church and I feel obligated to stay in this marriage, although I am not happy. I have tried to explain all of this to him, but nothing ever changes. Many times, we could have a disagreement then the next minute he is trying to act nice again. It's like he forgets the mean things he says or how he acts toward me. He is only happy if I am home and I cook & clean. I feel like I have lost a big part of myself and it is hidden away, waiting to be saved. He is not a easy man to get along with and people have said to me that is can be uncomfortable to be around, he is quiet, but uptight. Can this marriage be saved or do I try to save myself & my child? Thank you for your time & advice!
Answer Lynda,
You do have a chance to save both your marriage and yourself. You need to get some counseling. Your husband needs to understand that he is a partner not the ruler. I would like you to consider going to church and to find some peace about your relationship with God. I have never been happier and satisfied with my life then when I give my problems to the Lord. You sound like you do believe in God and He believes in you. You need to find that spark in your marriage that brought you together in the first place. If you get back your self first it will make you better equipped to deal with your husband. The part time job helps I am sure and will make you better able to deal. Start going to church and feed your soul and let God work on your husband. You will be able to find new friends that in turn will help you answer your need for social ocasions. You should maybe try out a few different churches unless you have one that you have been to in the past. The church will help you in many different ways and also may even find some life long friends that can help you in so many ways. When you have been going for a while and you have regained your confidence then you will better be able to deal with your husband. You may have to push him in a direction, but if you do not it will not be long before he will just not want to even try and it may get worse. You will also give your child a good foundation because as parents we are to train out children in the ways of the Lord and when they get older they may stray but they will come back and will be better for the experiance. You can be saved and the marriage can be saved. I will continue to lift you and your marriage up in my prayers and you should start soon. God is big enough to handle anything you can give Him and will never abandon or leave you.
