AboutS. Kessler Expertise I can answer most any questions regarding a husband wife relationship. Whatever the question may be. I would like to help you find an answer to it. If you want an honest and unbiased opinion on things then ask away. I have been divorced with 3 children, a single mother, and I'm remarried. I know what it is like to have a spouse cheat on you, to be taken advantage of, to feel like everything is hopeless (being depressed), emotions (the up`s and down`s). I will try to answer anything you have on your mind about husband-wife relationships, divorce, adultery, etc. Please don`t hesitate to ask.
Expert: S. Kessler Date: 6/30/2008 Subject: i just dont know what to do..
Question QUESTION: Hi we have been married for 10 yrs together 17 no kids just a dog whom we both love very much...he has been gone for 4 months but has stayed in constant contact well i would say every 2 weeks to ask about he dog and soforth..it now seems that he has spilt up with the person he was with i knew this would happen and he knows that as i knew her and knew she wasnt a very nice person and only really was after him paying for her and her kids...most other people thought he was fool to...but hes not telling me this has happened...so do you think he will tell me although im sure im not going to get the truth and im sure he doesnt want to listern to i told you so's although they wouldnt be from me as im not like that...or will he eventually surface on his own?...i only talked to him on friday he was saying he doesnt come and see the dog because he cant look at me?..he has been round a couple of times but always acted very nervous around me and at one point did say ive proablly made the wrong decision??..but i have never asked him to come back nor suggested getting back together do you think he thinks im not interested...maybe im not im not sure but how can i tell if he is??
Thanks
ANSWER: Hi Mia~
He could be confused as to how you'd react to him if he did ask you go try and work things out. Since you haven't mentioned anything to him about it at all. So that's why he hasn't been around and he's certainly hesitant to be around you/talk to you much, etc.
What do you want out of this marriage? Do you want to ever be with him again? Do you want to just cut your losses and move on w/o him in your life? Or what? Do you plan to do nothing and remain married just separated forever? (Which isn't the answer b/c if you're not wanting to be with him again, you need to get a divorce so you that both can move on with your respective lives once more).
He's the only one that truly knows the answers to these questions, I can't answer them for you. Just only tell you there's a slight possibility that he wants to give it a try again. He's obviously feeling guilty about what he's done or he wouldn't have said he doesn't come around b/c it's hard for him to look at you (meaning he's feeling guilty for what he did to you and the marriage by being with this other woman, who ultimately dumped him).
You need to sit down with him and have a serious heart to heart talk with him. He needs to know exactly how this is affecting you. And what you're willing and unwilling to put up with in this marriage. The point here is you need to make a decision on what you want, need, desire and expect out of this marriage. And if he's either unwilling or unable to give you what you need, want and expect, then you need to seriously consider divorcing him once and for all and moving on with you life w/o him in it. Or if you want to be with him and you both want to work things out. If so, then I'd strongly recommend that you both go to marriage counseling in order to work these differences out (the problems/issues you have in the marriage). You both have to be willing to do whatever it takes to give this marriage a fighting chance. The choice is yours to make.
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QUESTION: Hi
Thanks for your reply he has again been in contact today about the dog and beleive me it always starts out about the dog!!...he claims his undying love for the dog yet has only been to see him 3 times in 4 months so i find it hard to beleive its about the dog really...i would of course have a heart to heart with him but i dont seem to feel the time is right i would love to give it another go just if anything so say at least we tryed...but it all seems so raw i feel he has maybe tryed to get back to me but i rejected him but im not sure if im misreading the signs he has done nothing about divorce he just says if thats what you want??...he is a very stubborn man and i dont think hes going to just come out and say it to me...we were surposed to go away oh holiday the other week and he called me the week after saying that he was thinking we should have been away together??? see i just dont want to get rejected by asking him out right maybe he feels the same...i know i have to make a choice but im scared that its going to be the wrong one...im fully aware hes very unhappy but hes never going to admit this to me...we have had a chat about our marriage and why we split but it was over the phone so was very hard to judge how he was feeling..but he said he did love me and that he knew what he had done was wrong and hes probally made the wrong decision but thats something he has to deal with...and he was sorry...i do beleive that he loves me i did tell him that i also loved him and that really it could have be sorted out but he said you know me i just run???..so im very confused as to how he feels sometimes i think hes waiting for a sign off me but at other times he can say some hurtful things but is this just because hes not gtting what he wants from me...im just very confused...
Answer Hi Mia~
Let's say this isn't about him anymore. It's about you now. So what do YOU want out of this marriage? Do you want to try it one more time and then if it doesn't work out, you can walk away knowing that you gave it at least one more shot? From all that you've described he really wants to give it another try, but he's either too proud or embarrassed to admit this to you, for fear of rejection (just like you). It's never easy to go through a separation or a divorce situation. It sucks, and it does affect both parties involved.
You just need to swallow your pride and fear of rejection from him and come out and tell him you HAVE to talk to him in person, that's just all there is to it. Otherwise, you're going to keep sitting back fearing rejection, and nothing is being done to see if the marriage is in fact salvageable. What do you really have to lose at this point? I'll tell you honestly nothing at the rate it's going now, the worst he can tell you is no, right? And even if he does, well, then he's crazy and it'd be his loss, b/c you'd have given him at least the opportunity to try again, b/c you reached out to him and asked him. Since, as you said, he's being stubborn and bullheaded.
So, yes, I think the dog is a great excuse to him to see or even just talk to you. Guys can come up with some pretty lame excuses for things. Take this as an attempt for him to feel around and see if you're ready to reconcile (that's the way I take it from all that you've described). At any rate a decision needs to be made and soon. Now by no means do you have to rush into anything, you just have to decide what you need, want, desire and expect in the marriage, if you are to remain with him. And if he can't give that to you, then you need to start preparing for living your life w/o him in it. It's a tough decision to make, but something that has to be done eventually. The more time you stall and wait, the harder it's going to be to do anything (whether you get back with him or not). Does that make any sense whatsoever?
