AboutS. Kessler Expertise I can answer most any questions regarding a husband wife relationship. Whatever the question may be. I would like to help you find an answer to it. If you want an honest and unbiased opinion on things then ask away. I have been divorced with 3 children, a single mother, and I'm remarried. I know what it is like to have a spouse cheat on you, to be taken advantage of, to feel like everything is hopeless (being depressed), emotions (the up`s and down`s). I will try to answer anything you have on your mind about husband-wife relationships, divorce, adultery, etc. Please don`t hesitate to ask.
Expert: S. Kessler Date: 6/26/2008 Subject: how should finacail responsibility share within family?
Question QUESTION: I am a stay home mom w new born. I have strong saving before marry him, but after marry I have no income. My husband have income and strong saving (a little less than me). He take care all the bills and grocery, every month we have $1500 left. He keep it himself as his own saving. He never offer join account and co-card. If we went out together, he pay for everything, but he never offer me any cash. I have to pay from my saving for baby doctor visit, my doctor visit, baby toy, gasoline. Some people told me it is not fair because I am no income and in home mom, I should not live on my saving, I should ask him for some money. So I bring it up one time, I said I need $30 for baby co-pay and gas. He said "Why you can't use little of your money pay for baby?"
In the past, we have a fight in Walmart, he refuse to pay for the $3.5 hat that I want. He said we need to save for baby future college fund, and he don't think the hat is necessary item. Then he said he will have no problem pay for necessary item. That is why I come ask him for $30, which is necessary item (baby co-pay and gas), then he refuse to pay and think I should pay from my saving.
I am confuse. Is his expectation right? I should use my saving even we have $1500 left from family income? Is it normal for a husband expect wife to spend from her saving while she have no income?
ANSWER: Hi Angel~
He helped make the baby, so he can also help contribute to what the baby needs and wants. There is plenty left over in the family income to buy the extras whether they are needs or wants for you, the baby, doc visits, etc. He's being selfish to not prove for you when you ask for or need money. When a couple gets married they are supposed to share things together, including money. It's not right that you are expected to pay for things out of your savings. You stay at home and have no income. So the least he can do is prove w/o a fight for the baby and you when necessary. It's not like you're going out every day and blowing money on things that you see and want to buy. So no, you shouldn't have to spend for those things out of your money.
The financial things should be where you both have access to the money, not just him. So no, his expectation isn't right. I tend to agree with you and the others (that have given you advice that he should give you what you need/want for household things, baby stuff, bills, and maybe even some of your own spending money, etc. I'm a stay at home mom, so I too, have no income, I rely on my husband to support our daughter, myself and the household, which he happily does so. I don't even have my own savings account, let alone a joint one together for family expenses, etc (which I know would be a good thing to have, simply b/c you never know what unexpected things might arise, even if it's just a little bit in a savings). But yes, you are correct here.
I think you need to sit down and have a serious heart to heart talk with him. He needs to know exactly how this is affecting you. And what you're willing and unwilling to put up with in this marriage. Perhaps you can come up with some sort of compromise to work these differences out.
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QUESTION: Do you think he treat my saving as OUR money, so he want me use my saving for household too?
Today we have baby doctor appointment, I ask him for $15 co-pay, $10 gas. He said he don't have cash (he lie). I said he can write me a check I can cash it. He said "Why you can't spend little money for the baby."
In his mind, he spend a lot in the family. Is he right to think that way?
How should I make him realize he is income resource, he should take care expense. We should only touch saving if income can't take care all expense.
The way he do, make me feel like he want to save a lot more in his own account and want me spent my saving.
I still have $40,000 saving. Should I give in, keep spending until I run out? But if I refuse, he will say I don't treat the money as our money.
I never ask for spending money, but I bought a $3.5 hat, he will say "We don't have extra money, we have to save every penny for the baby's future". I believe if I ask for spending money, he will say the same. Then I can't say anything again. I told him we do have $1500 left. He said it is not enough for college fund.
Please teach me how to talk to him and win.
Answer Hi Angel~
Tell him that if he's going to be adamant that you pay for things for the baby, then you're going to have to go back to work to help contribute to raising the baby. B/c you refuse to keep paying for things with your savings. Explain to him that you get the impression like he expects for you to pay for stuff just b/c you happen to have some money in a savings account. When you get married the money becomes community property (meaning if your husband works and you stay at home, then his money is joint money and you should have access to it--unless he's the type of person that doesn't trust someone having access to the money). A married couple are supposed to share things, not have yours and his.
Sit down and try to explain to him why you feel this way. Now, it'd be different if you wanted to spend or splurge on something that you really didn't need for the baby, but you really wanted it, then I could see you spending some of the money from your savings. He doesn't have to save every last dime for your child's college fund. A child should earn his own money to go to college (in my opinion, I'm old fashioned and I believe in that if you want something then you earn it (as in college the child should earn a scholarship or grant to pay for the majority of college, and have the parents only pay for some of it, but not the whole thing, he/she would appreciate it more, when they realize that a person has to work hard for things in life)).
You should sit down and write down why you feel this way and show him on paper why you feel this way and the reasons why (such as what I've explained to you, and what others have said too). A man is supposed to provide for his family, while the wife takes care of the family and children. So, no, you shouldn't give in, b/c one of these days you'll eventually run out of money and then he'll be paying for everything and you'll have to rely on him for money and everything. Maybe he wants you to have to do that, which I wouldn't do b/c it's not fair that he's being stingy with his money, it's not just his anymore, since he married you. It's both your money (whether you work or not). He may or may not see things your way, depending on how selfish he's being at the moment. You shouldn't have to practically beg for money for anything. Anyway, I think you get my point. He should be willing to share more with you and not be the way he's being right now.
