AboutS. Kessler Expertise I can answer most any questions regarding a husband wife relationship. Whatever the question may be. I would like to help you find an answer to it. If you want an honest and unbiased opinion on things then ask away. I have been divorced with 3 children, a single mother, and I'm remarried. I know what it is like to have a spouse cheat on you, to be taken advantage of, to feel like everything is hopeless (being depressed), emotions (the up`s and down`s). I will try to answer anything you have on your mind about husband-wife relationships, divorce, adultery, etc. Please don`t hesitate to ask.
Expert: S. Kessler Date: 6/28/2008 Subject: sexless marriage
Question My husband and I have been married for 15 years. We have four children ages 9-13. For the last 7 years, we have sex an average of once a year (he wasn't interested). All of 2004 was sex free. We went to counseling at that time. I was able to work through some of my issues and have been less angry since. The counseling helped emotionally, but sex is still non existant. Instead of blaming and complaining, I tried other ways, such as "I miss you, lets work on this" etc. But, time went on and nothing changed.
Now, suddenly he starts acting "weird". He secretly planned a wonderful evening; made sure the kids were asleep, showered, blue pill etc and jumped into bed. Problem was, I was already sound asleep, legs unshaved etc., AND I had a major lab practical the next day. Last night a similar episode occured, only this time he told me in advance, and when the time came, I was scared to death! I told him I was nervous and it was the last thing I wanted to do. My body completely tensed up. He fell asleep and we haven't spoken about it since.
What's wrong with me? FINALLY, after 7 years of complaining about his not wanting sex with me, he does, and I'm terrifed!
We generally get along and he is one of my best friends,and the father of my children. But I just can't connect in that way anymore. I'm miserable about this.
Answer Hi Carmen~
Of course you're going to freeze up and not know how to react to this, b/c you're used to only having sex once per year for the last 7 yrs and he sprung (no pun intended) all this on you at once. And as you said this is "weird" behavior for him to have b/c it's not typical for him. So why has he suddenly taken an interest in having sex with you and going out of his way? You need to figure this out, so this means you need to talk to him about why he had a change of heart on having sex when he's not been interested for so long. And that it's making you wonder why he's acting this way.
You need to sit down and have a serious heart to heart talk with him. He needs to now exactly how this is affecting you. And what you're willing and unwilling to put up with in this marriage. He also needs to know how you feel about him, and that you just don't feel connected to him in that way anymore (probably due to the lack of sex and being intimate with each other, all things that keep a couple connected and over time you've just grown apart and distance has come between you and your husband).
Maybe once you get all this off your chest, you can make a decision as to what you should do next. I don't think there's anything necessarily wrong with you beside the fact that you aren't on the same level that you once were with your husband. And you've grown apart from one another. Something has to be done though, b/c it's just not fair for you to keep going on this way and being unhappy. Whatever you ultimately decide to do, it's not going to be an easy decision to make, that's for sure. Sit down and talk with him and see what's the next step you should take from here on out.
