AboutS. Kessler Expertise I can answer most any questions regarding a husband wife relationship. Whatever the question may be. I would like to help you find an answer to it. If you want an honest and unbiased opinion on things then ask away. I have been divorced with 3 children, a single mother, and I'm remarried. I know what it is like to have a spouse cheat on you, to be taken advantage of, to feel like everything is hopeless (being depressed), emotions (the up`s and down`s). I will try to answer anything you have on your mind about husband-wife relationships, divorce, adultery, etc. Please don`t hesitate to ask.
Expert: S. Kessler Date: 6/23/2008 Subject: Is it me?
Question My husband and I have been married for almost 8 years. I am 46 and he is 44. We are both Christians and both have had previous marriages and the accompanying baggage that comes with those situations. He had a previous 3 year relationship with a woman and they lived a rather swinging lifestyle. The one time I met her, her conversations about "remember when" made both me and my husband uneasy as well. However, my husband has since held this woman up to me as the standard of perfection throughout our marriage, their closeness and intimacy, and has stated that I will never be able to be that woman. She has never contacted him that I know of, but he recently traveled to her city to help a male friend of his. While there he contacted her, spent a lot of time with her alone, and lied to me about seeing her. When he did return we played "20 questions" until many of the details came out and then I just got tired of asking. He says they were not sexually involved, but he did ask her if she would take him back and she said yes. He also told her many intimate details about our life together, not really showing me in any kind of a positive light. He now calls her grandchildren his own and secretly stays in contact. He had hidden photos she had given him but now wants them displayed in our home. Twice now he has told me that if I make him choose between his friendship with her and his marriage with me he would choose her--I have not asked that he make this choice, he volunteered the information. I have been the financial support as he does not work. We have no children together and they have no children together. In the past he has given me many ultimatums to like someone he likes or to "get out", so I feel as if I am unimportant. I am not perfect in our relationship either so I am not trying to blame him. I told my husband and the ex as well that if the only thing standing in their way together was our marriage I would willingly step aside. I recently had to travel for surgery and he has been in touch with her during this time--I am still away from home now. He wants her and her family to come and visit us and has made many remarks about how I am stifling his relationship with his friend... this could get very wordy so I hope you get the gist of my message. Am I being too jealous and insecure? I feel like I have been played and lied to and that there are still a lot of hidden details that I don't even want to know about. I have been more dedicated to this relationship than any other in my life. I have grown up and tried to discover and change things that were not positive in my character. After twice being told that he would choose his friendship over his marriage, do you think I should take the hint? Is it my insecurities from the past or insecurities that have been created during our relationship? He is a huge flirt and collects "little sisters" everywhere he goes. His phone book is full of them and he contacts them when I am not around. Please help me because I feel like I am losing my mind. I don't have any problems dealing with the truth, it's the harm that is caused by anything less that is driving me crazy. I would appreciate any advice you have to offer even tho you don't have many details to work with.
Answer Hi Confused~
Wow! That's an awful lot for you to deal with and for him to suddenly dump in your lap. And, no, you're not the crazy one here, HE is! I can't believe he has the audacity to tell you not to have him pick between you/the marriage or his "friend." He's insulting your very intelligence and what he's saying is like a very real slap in the face. He has the nerve to tell you not to give him an ultimatum, yet he's almost forcing you to choose. So that he conveniently doesn't have to. Based on their past history together and their "connection" I'd venture to say that he's already slept with her and continued the sexual relationship he once had with her (since he has a history with her, and he seems very taken with her again at this point).
So, yes, perhaps you should take the not so subtle hint that he's wanting out of the marriage so that he can then freely pursue her, his "friend." As long as he's been married and with you, he's probably never changed his swinging life style (that would be hard for someone that's used to that life style to get married and suddenly leave that all behind w/o being tempted somewhere along the way). He has no business even asking her if she'd ever take him back. There's your answer to what his intentions are with her now and in the future.
I feel you should cut your losses right now before it gets worse and he gets deeper involved with this woman. It's not an easy decision to make, but one that really has to be made, unless you plan on letting him get by with this and you tolerate this crap and behavior from him (which clearly you should not do). If he truly loved and respected you as a husband should, then he wouldn't be doing this to you at all. You have to make that decision and soon.
