AboutGraham Smith B.PHIL Expertise I can help with any question on marriage, based on my 29 years of marriage. I also have two children, and one granddaughter.
Experience 29years of marriage.
Education/Credentials I have a bachelor of Philosophy from the Liverpool university (UK)
Question My wife and I are both 31 years old.We have been together for 15 years and
have two terrific children.My wife has no conception of the word affection.We
seldom have sex and when we do , it seems like more of a chore for her
rather than something she's enjoying...In addition my wife makes every
excuse in the book to explain whay she acts the way she does...for instance:
my wife has a thing about being fresh, but yet she never takes a shower prior
to going to bed,, so if I initiate something , she'll blame it on not being
fresh.In addition she uses my 5 yr old son, by consistently having him in our
bed, so I interpret it as, she's using him to avoid sex because she knows I
wouldn't try to initiate any intimacy with him there...I can't even remember
the last time her and I have had a passionate kiss let alone a meaningful
peck and it's really driving me insane...I have been debating with her over
this issue for years and have even suggested maybe I don't do it for her or
push the right buttons,,, suggested she may have some latent lesbian
interests, and even asked her if there was another man and was she having
a affair...Each time she reassures me, that she is just that way, she loves me
tremendously and can't explain why she acts that way towards me.....My
situation isn't solely about sex.My wife has a fairly successful career as a
regional manager for a womans clothing company so she usually leaves the
house by 6am and doesn't return until 6 at night...The issue I have is that
she's always exhausted and can barely stay up or when I get home,, she
greets me and it seems as if she's fighting to stay interested in what I have to
say and would just love to go to sleep...I'm understanding and realize she
must be tired from working all day,, but the problem I have is,,, if a friend of
hers calls or a sibling, or co worker, and they're interested in chating,, or
hanging out ( even if it's in the front of our home on the porch) she
miraculously gets a sudden burst of energy and is on top of her game....It's
really baffling and has me really considering either ( acting like everything is
ok and just enjoying my life without her but remaining married for financial
reasons as well as my children ,, or just sitting her down for the 1,000Th
time and saying " look it's been great,,, life is too short and I had
enough".....I have suggested counseling for her to only begin having sex
with me ( which I interpret as pacifying me) or have her say that she doesn't
think it's necessary and that I'm over reacting.....I'll be honest and say I'm at
the edge of being totally disgusted.....When she goes to work she looks
incredibly sylish, everything is so well thought out but when she's home,, it's
sweat pants and the ponytail...As you can see, i'm writing quite alot,, but I'm
not even touching the tip of the ice berg......In addition my wife is incredibly
jealous and in my opinion very selfish in ways...Do to my frustration I enjoy
watching porn but she gets disgusted by it and rather me not watch it,,, I also
like to chat ( but she rather me not,,,, I have gone to a few strip clubs with my
friends ( she has a problem with that as well) but if I stay home with her ,,
there's a very big chance, she will knock out pretty early and If i go into our
room and try to initiate something she has these automatic spasms ( I will
hold her and she will tense up , or if I touch her rear end,, she'll tighten her
cheeks almost as if she was trying to keep the devil out..It's
RIDICULOUS!!!!!!!.............I have no idea what is going on and I'm incredibly
confused, disapointed,annoyed , hurt, and furious at the same time..recently
my kids went to their day camp and my wife and i both had off so I thought
it would be a good time to get some quality time in..I initiated sex but could
clearly see she wasn't interested, and I wasn't in the mood to fight,, but
instead I simply said,, come up stairs,,,, if you can,my back has been
bothering me,, can you give me a massage..within seconds she gave me the
strangest look followed by responding to me by saying "you are really
pushing it"..After seeing my expression, she quickly retracted her cruel and
cold remark and said,, "no no,, that's not what I meant"....not to bombard
you with detail ( because I can keep you here forever),, my wife gets
cramps/pms one week before her period begins.She is pissed off , ultra
sensitive etc etc, but I'm incredibly understanding and leave her alone..Her
period finally comes and lasts for about a week..After her period, she has
this winding down faze which lasts a few days to a week which leaves me with
really one week to enjoy a litle intimacy and affection but during that
week, it's like pulling a impacted wisdom tooth......We do have sex, but it's
not what I would say I enjoy..I pretty much do it just to ( excuse my french)
bust a nut....there's no kissing,, no touching,, no foreplay, if i try and
perform oral,, she says she isn't fresh,,, it's a nightmare of aggravation...If
you can, I would love to hear your opinion on this matter.
Answer hi sorry for that late reply,
Now, it does seem that she has major hangups on sexual issues,did this all change after the children were born? The issue here is one of intimacy and actual sexual contact.I do suggest that you and your wife seek medical help as i do believe your Dr could help here.
If you look at the keys to sexual desire,positive, anticipation and feeling you deserve sexual pleasure.Each person is responsible for his/her desire with the couple functioning as an intimate team to nurture and enhance desire. Revitalizing sexual desire is a couple function, guilt and blame subvert the change process. Inhibited desire is the most common sexual dysfunction, effecting one in three couples. Desire problems drain intimacy and good feelings from the relationship.
One in five married couples has a non-sexual marriage (being sexual less than ten times a year). Three in ten non-married-couples who have been together longer than two years have a non-sexual relationship.The initial romantic love/passionate sex pattern of desire lasts less than two years and often less than six months. Desire is facilitated by an intimate, interactive sexual relationship.
The essence of sexuality is giving and receiving pleasure-oriented touching. The prescription to revitalize and maintain sexual desire is intimacy, pleasuring, and eroticism. Touching occurs both inside and outside the bedroom. Touching is valued for itself, touching does not always lead to intercourse.
Couples who maintain a vital sexual relationship can use the metaphor of touching as having five gears. Gear one is clothes on, affectionate touch (holding hands, kissing, hugging). Gear two is non-genital, sensual touch, which can be clothed, semi-clothed, or nude (body massage, cuddling on the couch, showering together, touching going to sleep or on awakening). Gear three is playful touching, which intermixes genital and non-genital touching, this can be in bed, dancing, or on the couch clothed or unclothed. Gear four is erotic touching (manual, oral, or rubbing) to high arousal and orgasm for one or both partners. Gear five integrates pleasurable and erotic touch, which flows into intercourse.
Both the man and woman value affectionate, sensual, playful, erotic, and intercourse experiences. Both the man and woman are comfortable initiating touching and intercourse. Both feel free to say no and suggest an alternative way to connect and share pleasure.
A key change strategy is to develop her bridges to sexual desire. This involves ways of thinking, talking, anticipating, and feeling which invite being sexual. Sexuality has a number of positive functions for the relationship – a shared pleasure, a means to reinforce and deepen intimacy, and a tension reducer to deal with the stresses of life and a relationship.
The average frequency of sexual intercourse is from four times a week to once every two weeks. For couples in their twenties, it is two-three times a week, couples in their fifties once-twice a week.
Personal turn-ons (fantasies, special celebrations or memories, feeling caring and close, anniversaries or birthdays, sex with the goal of pregnancy, initiating a favorite erotic scenario, being playful or spontaneous, sexuality to celebrate a career success or sooth a personal disappointment) facilitate sexual anticipation and desire. Use of external turn-ons (R or X-rated videos, music, candles, visual feedback from mirrors, being sexual outside the bedroom, a weekend away without the kids, facilitate anticipation and desire.(although you have tried this,try again)
Non-demand pleasuring can be a way to connect physically, a means to share pleasure and/or a bridge to sexual desire. Intimate coercion is not acceptable. Sexuality is neither a reward nor a punishment. Sexuality is voluntary, mutual, and pleasure-oriented.
Realistic expectations are crucial for maintaining a vital sexual relationship. It is self-defeating and harmful to demand equal desire, arousal, orgasm and satisfaction each time. Realistically, half of experiences are very good for both people. Twenty percent are very good for one (usually the man) and okay for the other. Twenty percent are okay for one and the other finds it acceptable. Be aware that five to ten percent of sexual experiences are mediocre or failures. Couples who accept this without guilt or blaming and try again when they are aware and receptive have a vital, resilient sexual relationship.
Contrary to common sense myths of horniness after not being sexual for weeks, desire is facilitated by a regular rhythm of sexual activity. When sex is less than twice a month, the couple become self-conscious and fall into a cycle of anticipatory anxiety, tense and unsatisfying sex, and avoidance.Healthy sexuality plays a positive, integral role in a relationship, fifteen-twenty percent, with the main function to energize the bond and generate special feelings.
good luck
