AboutGoldie Expertise Being a wife a mother and a licensed counselor I can answer any question in regards to your relationship with your child or significant other. Particularly questions that deal with behavioral issues. If there is something that really bothers your about your spouse or child's behavior I may be able to give you a behavioral solution.
Experience I have worked as a behaviorist for four years and as a guidance counselor in a high school for two years. As a behaviorist I designed plans to help people change their own behaviors as well as the way others behave twords them. As a guidance counselor I helped parents find ways of controlling their teenagers and developing a better relationship with them.
Expert: Goldie Date: 7/1/2008 Subject: Financial inequity in marriage
Question QUESTION: I'm going to try to make this as short as possible. You'll see the problem:
A year after getting married a 63 yr. old man tells his 61 yr old wife (me)that despite filing a joint income tax return she is entitled to only 46.83% of the refund, not 50% because he makes more than she does so more was withheld.
He tells her if she wants to file a joint tex return with him she must pay 1/2 of his property taxes on a house he alone owns and he will not give her any ownership interest in it.
He insists she save every receipt for every household expense so that he can add it up every week, divide in half, try to remember who bought who a hot dog at Costco and deduct or add that so he can tell her how much her 50% of it is. If he buys something without her along and she's going to use or benefit from it he tells her how much she owes him for it.
He will not allow his wife to put much of her own belongings in his house, most of it went into storage. She cannot rearrange furniture or put one thing of his away.
He comes home and hands her a list of community and non- community property states and tells her he will NOT live in a community property state when he retires.
He tells her he will go ahead and move to one of these non -community property states where it's warmer and she can join him when she can afford to retire.
In the winter he keeps is house cold as a meat locker. But when his high maintenance spoiled rotten daughter comes over he cranks up the heat.... then cranks it down again when she leaves and tells his wife to put on another sweatshirt.
Is this pretty weird behavior or what? We are not poor. But he has made the equal division of our resources into a nightmare lest he think he got screwed out of one dime & it's driving me nuts. He is obsessed by "fairness." Where does this attitude come from?
Janice
ANSWER: Dear Janice
That is definitely problematic. I have to ask you a few questions before I can attempt to answer yours.
What did you agree on when you got married? What happened for the first year? Was he always like this? If not what changed? If he was, how come it bothers you now? What happens if you say that you don't want to live like that?
Marriage is certainly a compromise but this seems more like a bad partnership then a marriage.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: He was not this way until about 6 mos. after we got married when his 18 yr. old daughter and her mother (a local MD) let it be known they expected him to pay heavily for the daughter's extra curricular activities once she started college in another area of our state. She HAD to be in a sorority and have a complete new wardrobe & new Ipod and have spa treatments for the "stress" of attending college. Then her mother got her a new car...so the daughter asked her father to pay for her junior year in Spain and, not to be outdone, he did!!
Meanwhile back home, I'm getting the squeeze put on me to spend minimally on groceries, keep the heat turned down, lights turned off, and spend less.... so he has more to give to the daughter! How many 18 yr. olds do you know who wear Manolo Blanik shoes and $200.00 jeans? He even took packages of hot chocolate mix and granola and beef jerky with him when we went on our so-called honeymoon to Hawaii 6 mos. after we got married.
We make good money but If I spend anything out of my own paycheck on myself he calls me extravagant, but then his daughter shows up looking like she just stepped off a runway in Paris and he calls me to come look at her, she looks like a princess.
Well hello, acrylic nails, fake tan and and heavily highlighted hair ain't cheap! Her last little trip to our city's most expensive spa cost her $420.00. He has no idea what it costs her to look like that. He thinks she has grown.... into a natural blonde!! Clearly the kid is working one parent against the other and the parents are competing for the daughter's affection by buying her things.
I have told him I will not go without so his kid can be indulged, so I have just severed our joint savings & checking account because I found him charging things for her on our joint Mastercard!!! There is a real double standard in our home, one for me, one for his daughter.
I feel certain I am in his house only to help him pay bills so he can give his daughter a life of luxury and compete dollar for dollar with her mother. I think it's time to get out before it goes too much further and I get cleaned out. The daughter already has her eyes cast on some of my inherited jewelry that my husband showed her without asking my permission. The whole family is money hungry and they don't care whose it is as long as they can get their hands on it.
Answer Ok Janice, you're right things are definitely not looking good. But this question only you can answer. Do you think this man married you because he loves you and wants to spend his life with you or is it really just to get some extra cash?
If it's the second one, no doubt you should get out while you can still afford it. On the other hand, if you two had a great relationship and now because his ex wife and daughter are squeezing him, he is getting stressed out and consequently not treating you properly then maybe it's worth to have a chat with him.
Every divorced parent has extra guilt about the children that they leave behind. Many try to buy their way out of feeling guilty. It seems like his wife, who is probably angry & jealous is just looking to get anything she can from him. Unfortunately neither of them realize what they are doing to their daughter. This 18 year old child, will be the most miserable person, who will have the most unfulfilling relationships and will probably end up divorced herself, if she gets married at all. She will be so spoiled rotten at the end of this that there is no way that she will be able to find herself any man to satisfy her. She will also never appreciate the simple beautiful things in life.
When the two of you are alone, sit down with him over a nice dinner & a glass of wine. Tell him how much you love him and care for him. Tell him that he must really be stressing out over what his ex wife is doing to him. Empathize with him over being totally taken advantage of. Tell him that you understand that he has no choice but to comply with what his ex wife demands because he doesn't want to lose his daughter (you can mention how unfortunate it is that his wife doesn't realize that she's just ruining her daughter's life). If he starts to share this concern and agrees with what you are saying, suggest that maybe he should seek help and advice on how to best deal with his daughter. Towards the end of the conversation tell him that you really are starting to miss the man that you married. Tell him that because of all this stress your relationship is suffering and you are hurt by the way that he is treating you. Tell him that you also want to feel important in his life and that lately you haven't felt that way. Finally ask for one specific change. For instance, to keep the heat up or to move your furniture in, or to rearrange his furniture (after all you are a permanent resident).
Be sure to keep the conversation light & don't get angry or defensive no matter what he says.
If your husband loves you and married you for the right reasons he should come around.
