AboutS. Kessler Expertise I can answer most any questions regarding a husband wife relationship. Whatever the question may be. I would like to help you find an answer to it. If you want an honest and unbiased opinion on things then ask away. I have been divorced with 3 children, a single mother, and I'm remarried. I know what it is like to have a spouse cheat on you, to be taken advantage of, to feel like everything is hopeless (being depressed), emotions (the up`s and down`s). I will try to answer anything you have on your mind about husband-wife relationships, divorce, adultery, etc. Please don`t hesitate to ask.
Expert: S. Kessler Date: 7/1/2008 Subject: Financial inequity in marriage
Question QUESTION: I'm 61 and my husband of 2 1/2 yrs. is almost 65 and is going to retire. He's always had a very strange philosphy about marriage, insists we save every receipt for all household expenses then split the cost EXACTLY 50/50 although he makes more than I do. This allows him to contribute generously to his savings account while I barely can. He also says I must pay 1/2 of his propery taxes for his house even though I have no ownership interest in it. To me it smacks of paying him rent.
He has just announced after he retires he wants to move to a warmer climate so we discussed Arizona, TX, So.Cal etc. On Friday he came home with a list of community and non- community property states and told me he will not retire to live in any community property state. As I said,we live in his house and I have no ownership interest in it. He's decided to sell his house (good luck in this market!)and move to Arizona. I have a very good job I would hate to leave so I asked him if he can't just wait a little bit for me to retire. He said no, he couldn't. Then he said he'd go ahead & move to Arizona and find us a house and I could "join him later"! Meanwhile I'd have to get my own apartment here in Seattle. But, he said, I could visit him there!!
I said well I'll just go to Arizona with you and find another job there whereupon he said "Well I'm not going to support you while you're looking!" Hello? I'm his WIFE! I stand to inherit in the high 6 figures soon & he knows it, but he won't even support me for a month or two? I am appalled & can hardly believe what I'm hearing. He is the most selfish cheapskate I have ever known, now this. Can you explain to me how this kind of selfish "me first" attiude constitutes a marriage that any woman in her right mind would want to stay in?
Don't even ask me about our sex life, that's only happenend twice in 2 1/2 yrs. The minute we got married I found that unless I pumped up his ego with compliments and made the first move, it just didn't happen and there are never any overt demonstrations of affection, he is obsessed with money and what I owe him. We are not poor, I make 58K a year and he makes 64K a year but I'm very angry getting told I owe him for my 1/2 of the bunch of bananas he picked up at the grocery store. If I benefit from anything I MUST pay 1/2 of the cost. That even goes for parking downtown for 1-2 hrs if we go there. I think it's petty and absurd and it's not like any marriage I ever knew. Any idea what's going on with this guy?
Janice
ANSWER: Hi Janice~
His behavior is rude, crude and socially unacceptable. He's got a very case of "selfishitis. Meaning he's got the me, me, me mentality. That's no way to be when you're married. And to expect you to split things 50-50 is totally asinine and ridiculous. Why bother being married if he's being totally selfish and self absorbed like this. This isn't a marriage it's a dictatorship on his part. He's very anal about his money, house, cars, possessions of any kind. What kind of life is that to live, he must be very lonely even though you're his wife. He sure doesn't treat you as an equal partner and love of his life (like a spouse is supposed to be looked at). You're not his business partner or even a woman he's dating casually. I can't believe the audacity of this man.
Anyway, was he like this before you got married? Or did he change somewhere along the way. A marriage is a partnership, not a one way street as he's treating it. A marriage is about teamwork and a couple working together doing team work. Not what's mine is mine and what yours is mine too. That's pure unadulterated selfishness at it's best. Wow, just wow! I can't believe he's doing this to you.
You need to decide what it is you want, need, desire and expect out of this marriage. And if he is either unwilling or unable to give that to you, then you need to reevaluate this marriage and decide what the next step is that you're going to take will be. The choice is one only you can make.
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QUESTION: Would it explain things if I also told you he works as a tax resolution expert for the IRS? I think he's blurred the lines between his function at work and function at home. All day long he tells people what they owe, he does the same thing to me at home. I'm just the next taxpayer in line. I need to be married to a man, not some domestic robotic facsimile of the IRS who shares my bed.
He got worse after his daughter started college and her mother/his ex, who is a physician, put the screws on him to help pay for things no kid of 18 really needs: a brand new car, sorority fees & dues, a complete new wardrobe and maintenance money for hair highlighting, acrylic nails & spa treatments. Also her junior year in Spain! He then put the screws on me to pay my exact 1/2 so he had more to give her. The kid is clearly selling herself to the
highest bidding parent and my husband is locked in mortal combat with his ex for the kid's affection. Wait till she hits him up for that $50,000 wedding that's coming someday. Were we still married we would literally hemmorhage money. There is no room for me in his life & I see it. I'm 61 & I don't need this. It's time to get out of this absurd situation. I'm calling an attorney right now. Thank you for your reply.
Answer Hi Janice~
Well, now that you mention it, it very well could have a lot to do with how anal he's become with money and splitting things. It's still absurd and quite ridiculous and that's no way to act in a marriage/partnership. He's gone to the very extreme though with his actions and behavior. It's really too bad that it's come to this, but he has only himself to blame for the marriage coming to an end, and it probably won't faze him one bit, just think all the money he won't be saving not having your part of the income. HA! I doubt he'll learn a lesson from this though.
But you must start thinking of yourself and your sanity and as you said you definitely don't need this added stress on you. Shame on him for being so anal and childish about money. Money isn't more important than love and companionship (but apparently it is to him). Pathetic really for him. Good luck in all that you're going to endure during the divorce process, although it might be a small price to pay to get away from this nonsense.
And for what it's worth I have an uncle that's a tightwad too. He was so cheap (still is) that when my aunt and him went out to eat, he'd order one value meal from say McDonald's and they would have to split it, right down to the drink, just to save money. He's also very anal about money, etc. No one in the family can stand him either, of course, he's always been annoying too. I so know that feeling that you're talking about though. Okay, enough of my rambling, good luck in all your future endeavors.
