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You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Marriage > Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship > Need Help With My Marriage
Expert: Dr Tim Gladu - 10/27/2009
Question
I am a 40 year old mother of 3. I have been married for 13 years. My husband and I have three children 6 and 8. The six year olds are twins. I was on bed rest with my children pretty much for the whole pragnancy. My husband owns his own business and have been the one with the financial burden. I have been pretty much a good wife, cooking, cleaning and taking care of the household and kids. He used to brag about how great his wife is until 2 years ago. Throughout our marrigage He goes to work and come home and watch TV. When I ask him to go out as a family, he usually says he is tired and hold the fact that he works to take care of us as an excuse. He usually forgets birthdays, anniversary, Christmas and pretty taking me out to dinners. He has not kissed me (real kiss) since we've been married and belive me I have asked. I feel like a rose that is dying. I long for a companionship someone to notice me and someone to love me completely. I have never complaint to him, but have waited and supported whatever his endeavors. About a year ago, I got tired of being the supportive wait on the side wife. I stop agreeing with whatever he wanted to do and off courses he thinks I have changed. He is very distance and has started going off on me and the children for no reason. He has called me names and even went as far as to threaten to leave me. He says he is wasting his life and has said in the past he tolarates me for the sake of the childrean. His words are hurtful and is said during his drunken state. The next day he usually foregets what it is he said and pretends that everything is ok. I want to leave. Throughout this year, I have meet a wonderful friend, who has helped me to breath. I care about him, to the point I want a future with him. With that said, I do not belive in committing adultry, therefore I let go off the friendship even though I miss him. I no longer have a shoulder to lean on.
My husband claims that all our problems are my fault. I tell him that we do not have any problems compare to other people. God has blessed us with three wonderful healthy kids (I had 5 miscarry before) and financial we are blessed. I feel the need to have the everlasting love. I don't know where to go from here. I started my own business about 3 years ago, and have poured all my finance into it. He says that my business will not yield any money and that I don't know how to run a business. He said by now it should have started making money. I have 13 employees and we have been maintain the bills and payroll. I have never felt any encouragement from him. Rather I feel that he is just waiting for the business to fold or to be successful. He refused to get help. And now he is acting like everything is ok. He drinks and hid it from me. But he doesn't know that I already know. When we got married, I thought he was not a drinker until our wedding night; I did not even know he smoked. Its getting bad. I am in need of sound advice, from a Christian prospective. I am not in love with my husband anymore. I belive he has killed my love for him. But I am afraid of being alone. Please advice, when I look at my kids, I see the hurt in their eyes when their father is verbally assulting me. Help from a christian perspective.
Answer
Lisa,
The first thing I have to do is to let you know that you are not alone. I am sure that you are praying for your husband. I know this may seem wrong, but the more you pray for him the less you will be mad at him. I am sure that you do not want to end the marriage because you sound like you believe that marriage is forever. That being said your chance at happiness would be some kind of Christian counseling. I know that it may be hard to see right now because you are at the point of just calling it quits and leaving. That may happen but you owe it to the kids to try to make it work. Find the counselor first and set up a time to meet. Then let your husband know you have set up a time to meet with the counselor. If he agrees to go then you have a good chance of at least finding out if the marriage can be saved. What he needs to realize is his responsibility as a husband and father. he is to be the spiritual leader of the house. He is also commanded by God to love his wife as himself. I can't see how he was never taught this sometime while he was growing up. If he ever went to church I am sure he would have been exposed to some of the Christian teaching. If he is not willing to go then I would suggest that you go and at least find some other options. You may find that you can reach him by just showing him you are willing to do anything to make the marriage work. Getting into counseling I believe is the best step to take at this point. This will at the very least help you better deal with him.
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