AboutDr Tim Gladu Expertise I will be willing to answer general questions on marriage. I will give the advice from the aspect of what the Bible has to say and the advice will be based on the Word of God. I do not give medical advice.
Experience Experience in the area: I have 14 Years in Ministry. I have also been happily married for 21 years and have raised 3 Children
Southern Baptist.
Education/Credentials Bachelor’s degree in Ministry, a Masters in Pastoral Counseling and a Doctorate in Theology.
Question QUESTION: Dr. Tim,
I would like to know what is a healthy, normal amount of time for someone in a marriage to dedicate to hobbies? My husband is a musician (as a hobby - his job is unrelated) and he is involved in over 6 different musical groups. He is gone 4 to 5 nights a week for different practices, which leaves me home alone most nights to raise our 2 young children. This has been going on for all of our 13 yrs of marriage. I am also a musician, (I have a Bachelor's of Music degree and am a "retired" stay at home mom) but honestly his passion for music has killed my enjoyment and desire for it. When we first married and before our children were born, we would argue about how much time he was spending on his hobbies. He would always say that at least he wasn't partying or boozing, or cheating. After our first child was born, I decided to give up, submit, and be quiet about it so that there could be peace in the house. Other than this, he is a wonderful man. When he is here, he's a good father and works hard to provide for his family. We are both Christians and believe that marriage is forever. However, that said, I am tired of dealing with this and keeping it all inside. I am lonely, depressed and feel rejected. He will come home gushing about how great his musical experience was that day and I will just put on a smile for him and act interested. But I am miserable. Making him "quit" music is not the answer, because then he would be miserable. Before we married, he once actually told me that if he ever lost a woman, he would get over it. However, if one day he was no longer able to do music, he would be an empty soul. I don't know why I didn't run away screaming back then. I feel as if I have lost all respect and love for my husband, and have gotten to a point that I like it when he's gone. What is the biblical point of view on this and can I ever get over these bad feelings for my husband?
ANSWER: Colleen,
Not to make this simple but yes. I think that your husband is spending to much time on hobbies. I could understand if he was making a living and had to be gone that much to support the family. I could see that because making a living in the music business is hard. If he is playing music just because he loves it then that is fine. He does need to realize that he should cut back and spend more time at home. He needs to understand that hobbies are nice but they should not dominate ones life. If this is his focus and it takes most of his free time then this is what he loves. He does not love you or the kids like he should and needs to get some perspective. The position he has put you in is very unfair and he should give up some not all of the music. The key to successful marriage is compromise that is give and take. He sounds like he is doing all of the taking and you are doing all of the giving. This out of balance marriage is on the road to failure. I realize that you do not want to leave him and I commend you for that. I know that some women would have left him long ago. He is lucky that you are tolerating this and you should not have to. To start I would recommend you try to get him to give you one night for the family. This may make him realize how important you and the kids are and then move forward from there. I do not believe that your marriage is doomed but it is not in balance that is so important and that is what needs to be fixed soon.
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QUESTION: I have spoken with my husband again about his hobbies. As always he agreed to cut back but nothing has happened. I told him I needed more intimacy, passion, consideration, etc and told him this as gently as I could so not to "nag". Still nothing. I am almost to the end of my rope. I feel like I am the only one who really cares about our relationship. I know he loves me, but he never really does anything to show it. It this a sign of marriage neglect (something I was reading about online) and how do I get him to realize how he's killing me unless I get up and walk out? Is there anything else I can do to get his attention?
Answer Colleen,
You did not say if you gave him a timeline for the change. If he is going to change then he may need a little push. If you can stay with family even for a few days this may be the push he needs. Guys usually will not make changes unless there is some kind of slap in the face. He sounds like he is one of those guys and he may just need a wakeup call. I usually do not recommend divorce and I am sure you do not want that either. Tell him that you will give him a certain time you choose how much time. If he does not change or show some sign of change then leave for a time. The Bible tells us we can't serve two masters we will serve the one we love the most. If he loves you then he will see you are serious if you leave even if is for a short time.
