AboutDr Tim Gladu Expertise I will be willing to answer general questions on marriage. I will give the advice from the aspect of what the Bible has to say and the advice will be based on the Word of God. I do not give medical advice.
Experience Experience in the area: I have 14 Years in Ministry. I have also been happily married for 21 years and have raised 3 Children
Southern Baptist.
Education/Credentials Bachelor’s degree in Ministry, a Masters in Pastoral Counseling and a Doctorate in Theology.
Question Hello Dr Tim,
I am currently awaiting divorce would be finalized next month.But i still feel sometimes whether it was a right thing to do or not.I had got married 4 years back .It was a traditional arranged marriage where boy and a girl to get to know each other but they don't get to stay together until they are married.I was in touch with my husband for about 2 months where we talked and shared our views and like each other and got married.
But the day i got married my husband told me that i have pain in my neck .I thought it to be a regular strain and sprain and i hugged him and told him that it would go away.Thn again after a week he told me he need to go for an do as his doctor advised him get one done as his pain is not going away.I asked his family about it they said they just got to know about it few days before marriage as he was not walking straight .I just let it go believing in what i was told.
After a month of marriage i had to stay away for a month from my husband and i was in touch with him over the phone he told me some more stuff that he gets frequent neck pains and is given strong i.v medications like morphine to kill pain and he would be knocked out for 2-3 days and when he goes for work he sits on a special ball to maintain his posture.I was little bit shocked to hear all this.
Then when i came back we started living together and i started noticing he was sleeping for most of the time .He would come back from office eat and straight away go to sleep.Even when i was sleeping next to him he would not know if i was there or not.Then i started asking him to what extent he has pain he said on scale of 10 he would label it 6 and sometimes he feels so much pain he feels like cutting away his neck.I asked him if he were in such a pain why he didn't share that with me before marriage.This thing went on i used to cry a lot ;was frustrated due to the situation i was in. We hardly had sex .I will say it was once a month.
At one end i was thinking of saving my marriage at other end i was getting depressed about it day by day .
Then he went for consult with a neurosurgeon where they told him he need to be operated for his neck and it wouldbe a major surgery with not much guareentes.This again came as a shock for me.
While i stayed with him i realised that he was acting very nicely with me as if he was try to make up for not telling me about his this problem before.
I tried my best to save my marriage i was getting hurt and sad to the level i couldnt sleep at nights always worried about my future with him.I was asking around my family ,my friends about any solution to save my marriage some told me to take it as my destiny ,some told me to leave some told me its would be my personal decision to save it or walk out of it.
During this time i used to discuss with my husband about what i was going through he used to make conscious efforts to solve the problem like actively getting involved to do sex but even while having sex he used to have pain in neck.He always felt lethargic. This change used to last for some time and again we were stuck on same issues.At the same moment i used to feel guilty about telling him about my needs and putting him in pain about all this.There were periods where he was in constant pain for weeks .
During all this he was diagnosed with graves disorder as he used to get hot flushes at night which he sometimes told me about that it started few years back sometimes he used to tell me that they were there from birth.
I am a kind of person who would always help others but in this case the stress had built up to the level that finally i ended up leaving him but at a moment i feel guilty about leaving him and feeling very selfish of me but i couldn't stay.
Now its 1 month left for my divorce to be finalized ;on humanitarian grounds i feel i didn't help him out but at the other end stress was too much that i could have needed to see a psychologist for myself.Now i am much relieved of all the pressure
but i do miss my husband.I really dont know if there was any other way to handle this situation or not.
Please suggest if there was any other way to deal with this kind of situation?
Answer Tinkle,
After reading your story I can only; say one thing. Your husband should have revealed this serious of a condition before you were married. Then if you decided to get married despite his condition then it would have been your choice. He lied about it and you were mislead. You have a right to expect that you would have a chance to have a happy marriage but you were robed of the chance.
