Expert: Samantha - 11/2/2009

Question
My husband has violoated me twice - first time Jan of 2009 - I twice told him not interested, he giggled, said I am horny and took advantage of my body. My back was toward him. In May of 2009 - after consual sex (I knew I had to) - he hissed "you are mine, you are mine!", and after the session and me turning my back toward him, roughly inserted two fingers in my "front", then after "circling" my "exit with another finger inserted it there. Although I have been telling him for 3-4 years not to touche me there, to include same night. For two months I didn't sleep well. I couldn't go to sleep and would then wake up after few hours, look at him, hate him and his hands, be very angry. In counseling he admitted to experimenting. Made me even more angry. He had no right to do this. - Why can I not move on, why have I not been able to carry out a divorce? We have been married 18 years. I now take medication to sleep. Yes, I did try to cut back on intercourse after 18 years of not having many rights to say no -  he would pout, not be understanding.

Answer
Hi Paris~

He's an abuser and he's taking full advantage of you.  You do have a right to tell him no, it's your body and he can't make you do something unless you let him or give into him.  He has no right to demand sexual acts from you, or to touch you in places that you don't like or do not feel comfortable with.  When a woman says no, no means no, even if you're married.  

To answer your questions as to why you can't move on, it's likely b/c you are used to this, and even feel like somehow you deserve the way he treats you, and, of course, you do not.  He's all that you've known for the last 18 yrs of marriage and being with him, although you know he hasn't treated you that well in many aspects of this relationship and marriage.  Marriage is supposed to be about love, trust, commitment, caring, honesty, etc.  He treats you as though he's entitled to you, your body and can do with you as he wishes.  That's not how life works nor does a happy, healthy and fulfilling marriage work like this.  You have to realize that you deserve way better than he's currently capable of giving you.  I was in an abusive marriage for 5 yrs.  I thought I could change him, I did everything within my power to save the marriage.  Conveniently everything that went wrong was my fault or someone else's.  He would never take responsibility for his own actions or even acknowledge what he did was wrong.  He was a very selfish, self-centered and an unhappy little man.  To this day I feel sorry for him b/c he hasn't changed one bit and he's not learned a lesson from my divorcing him all those years ago.  

You have to get back the self respect that he took from you.  He's robbed and denied you of your self dignity, your self-esteem, your self-worth and most importantly your spirit is broken.  You have to reach your breaking point at some time, and decide when enough has become enough.  He can't make you feel inferior w/o your permission.  So, while you can't control how he acts (or others), you do control how you react to him (and others as well).  Don't you want to finally be happy and to live out the rest of your life and days in peace, and not have to worry about him demanding sex in certain positions, degrading you and demoralizing you each and every day that you remain with him?  The hardest part is taking the first step and then actually going through it.  I know, I've been there and done that.  It's extremely tough for a person to decide to leave their abuser and to move on with their lives alone.  It's a very scary experience for some.  If I can do it, then so can you and anyone else that puts their mind to leaving a bad situation like you're in.  Sometimes we have to do what we have to do in life.  And if that means you leave him, not looking back and move on with your life w/o him in it, then by all means do so.  You matter, your happiness matters, your well-being depends on you to get out, otherwise you're going to be stuck in lifetime full of degradation and misery.  Why do that to yourself?  You are stronger than you think you are and stronger than you give yourself credit for.  You can do anything you put your mind to. The choice is yours and it's one that only you can make.  This isn't about him anymore, it's suddenly now about you.  It's never too late for a change, and a change for the better at that.  Remember it all starts with you and the choices you make from here on out.