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About Samantha
Expertise
I can answer most any questions regarding a husband/wife relationship. Whatever the question may be. I would like to help you find an answer to it. If you want an honest and unbiased opinion on things then ask away. I am a divorced mother of 4 children, I have been a single mother, and I'm currently remarried and have a 4th daughter with my husband. I know what it is like to have a spouse cheat on you, to be taken advantage of, to feel like everything is hopeless (being depressed), emotions (the up`s and down`s). I will try to answer anything you have on your mind about husband-wife relationships, divorce, adultery, etc. Please don`t hesitate to ask.
Experience
I've been answering questions and helping my clients for the last 9 years. I have many satisfied and return clients. I have helped people from all over the world and from many different walks of life, cultures, etc.
Education/Credentials
...........
Past/Present Clients
I have/had many repeats clients though the years I've been a volunteer here.
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You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Marriage > Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship > Alcohlic hubby
Expert: Samantha - 11/7/2009
Question
This is such a tough tough question or decision I have to make. I have been married for 10 years have two sons from a previous marriage and a daughter from my present hubb. I was rather ignorant to alcolism until this past year even though my hubs has had a problem with booze forever if he did stop for a while he would the use codiene to get him through. he has been in rehab had all the help and more he could possibly ask for. we separated for a year though we still see each other inbetween his binges. then he was hospitalized near to death and I took him back into the family home. Fine no brill for 8 weeks then something upset him and bang he is gone again. Rolls back at 2.00am kicking in my door and so very abusive he was arrested released the following day then again comes in drunk and starts really pulling me down. He is in prison as we speak waiting to be released on bail.I love him so mmuch and our daughter misses him so much but also we seem happier no treading on egg shells. If he is ill shouldnt I stay with him. I am at my wits end and control my depression through meds. How do I let go? i know the final decision is mine. But since he lost his job things have got so much worse.
Answer
Hi Sue~
I can't even begin to imagine how hard this is on you and your family. I can relate to you in a way but different scenario. My father was an alcoholic almost his entire life. He destroyed 2 marriages and lost 4 children due to this ugly disease. He tried to get help through AA even. In the end though my mother divorce him (she was his second wife), he was never the same after that, he still pined for my mother even after the divorce, and frequently confessed his undying love her, etc. He had a horrible problem with alcoholism, it tore his very life apart. Let me tell you there is nothing more frustrating and heart breaking than to see someone you love self destruct right before your very eyes, and just exactly how helpless it makes one feel. My father's alcoholism to this very day still has an affect on me. I remember this from a very small child of 5 and up when he went on binges, brought strangers into our home, the way he acted, etc. He was a very foul-mouthed and vulgar drunk (not really violent, but at times he could be). He died a lonely alcoholic, he felt he had no one around to love him, to take care of him, no friends, no family wanted him. That was true to a certain extent, but the turn out for his funeral was huge (and he thought he had no one), it was the way that he acted when he was drunk that drove his family and friends away and to the brink of not wanting to have anything to do with him period. I was one of those family members that I speak of. I couldn't take his drinking, the way he acted when drunk, etc, which was on a pretty regular basis. When he wasn't drinking or drunk, he was the most loving, caring person you'd ever want to be and have the pleasure of knowing. He'd literally give you the shirt off his back or the last dollar he had to us or someone else in need of a dollar. That's the kind of person he was, unfortunately he had a battle with the booze. It was in his DNA. He came from an entire line of alcoholics; his parents, grandparents and his brothers as well (and on down the family line). Did you know that a person that has an alcoholic parent has a 50% higher chance of becoming an alcoholic?! It's true. This is why I don't touch the stuff, and frankly I can't stand to be around it or even the sight of it. My sister when she was younger and growing up had an alcohol problem that she hid from my parents (my mother remarried when we were very young ages 5 and 7ish respectively) and on into her early 20's. What made her wake up was the day she was driving while intoxicated and was arrested after she had a wreck (which could've turned out to be deadly) with her 1 yo son at the time in the car with her. She had to be on probation for 2 yrs or more. That's what woke her up to the fact that if she didn't stop and get help she would end up just like our father. It did the trick and she's clean and sober many years later.
Anyway, my point here is there is only so much you can take before you reach your breaking point. The question is when is your breaking point? How much longer are you going to put up with this before you finally say, NO MORE?! When does enough become just that enough? Only you can answer that. To answer your question though, if he's ill do you continue to stay with him? My answer is a resounding NO. And I do not mean that in a judging and disrespectful manner at all. I mean there is only so much you can do as one person. You can't make him change something he's either unwilling or unable to change. You have to come to terms with that fact. He needs help way beyond your capabilities. He needs intense therapy with AA. You should join a support system too, there is Alanon which is an organization that helps family members of alcoholics world wide, you just have to check and see if they have a group available in your area. If you keep putting up with this and if you stay with him, then you're condoning his behavior and in a sense you are enabling him to keep drinking and going on these binges, etc.
You have to know where you draw the line, no matter how much you love him and want to see him get better. He has to want this for himself. You can't help someone that will not help themselves. I know this is very tough for you to face and to have to go through. You really in all honesty are probably going to have to move on with your life w/o him in it. One thing is for certain you can't keep living like this and subjecting your child to all this. Haven't you both been through enough, I think deep down you really know what that answer is. It's taking a huge toll on you in more ways than one, the more you tolerate this from him, that's the worse your life is going to get. You can't keep living this way. You let go by saying you've done all that you can do to help him. You have to know in your heart of hearts you did everything within your power to help him battle his demons, but you couldn't save him. It's hard but you can get through this, as time goes on it might become a little easier each day that passes, it'll always be with you somewhere in the back of your mind though. Don't blame yourself and dwell on all that went wrong in this relationship/marriage. If you can get the love and support of your family and friends to get through this, that will help you more than you can imagine. Just having someone to talk to and to vent to or to listen to you can feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off your shoulders. You know what you need to do, and the choice is yours and it's one that only you can make. Good luck!
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