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About Samantha
Expertise
I can answer most any questions regarding a husband/wife relationship. Whatever the question may be. I would like to help you find an answer to it. If you want an honest and unbiased opinion on things then ask away. I am a divorced mother of 4 children, I have been a single mother, and I'm currently remarried and have a 4th daughter with my husband. I know what it is like to have a spouse cheat on you, to be taken advantage of, to feel like everything is hopeless (being depressed), emotions (the up`s and down`s). I will try to answer anything you have on your mind about husband-wife relationships, divorce, adultery, etc. Please don`t hesitate to ask.
Experience
I've been answering questions and helping my clients for the last 9 years. I have many satisfied and return clients. I have helped people from all over the world and from many different walks of life, cultures, etc.
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...........
Past/Present Clients
I have/had many repeats clients though the years I've been a volunteer here.
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You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Marriage > Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship > Frustrated
Expert: Samantha - 11/7/2009
Question
I am a recovered Alcoholic. I am on my second marriage and have a wonderful 17 month old with my second wife. She did not know me when I was drinking. She is an amazing woman who has a 12 year old whom I have never met for reasons that could fill a whole Dr. Phil episode. Our marriage is great except for the simple fact that I cannot get anything but "I Love You" out of her. Meaning she thinks that is all that she needs to say or do, and with that I am supposed to be secure. Our sex life is great, we are best friends, she is a super Mom but to me that is not enough. She is into cuddling on her terms, she rarely tells me anything other than I love you and if "I wasn't happy I would leave" and that I am rediculous when I am feeling insecure. We both have fulltime+ jobs and she hates hers. I guess what I am asking is because she doesn't show it, or say more than I love you I am constantly asking her if I am a good Dad/ Husband, if she is sure that she loves me, if she could do a better job at re-assuring me when I am feeling insecure and so on. On day about a week ago she said she was up all night cause she realized that she takes me for granted and then it was back to business as usual, as if that was supposed to be enough of a sign she really does love and appreciate me. I tell her she's beautiful regularly and I try to build her up because she thinks she is a "fat cow" in her words and I don't see it the same. Anyway to make a long story longer I am going to the doctor cause she thinks I am depressed and I really don't think I am, I just think that I have a few issues from the past, as she does, that have made me very sensitive and paranoid about certain signs in a marriage. Should I just deal with the fact that she is horrible at showing her feelings (she has told me she doesn;t like to tell me nice things about me because she is concerned I will get a big head and leave her), or is there something I could do differently to make her see that I am in need of more than words? OR am I being selfish? Do I sound like a puss?
Answer
Hi Jermain~
It seems as though she has an issue with her self-esteem and showing her feelings and/or affection towards you and perhaps others as well. You seem to have a low self-esteem issue to, this can explain why you are always fishing for compliments, getting frustrated with how she's responding to you, etc. She also might not be a very affectionate person by nature, especially if she grew up in a household where affection wasn't given or shown very much. You need to sit down with her and have a serious heart to heart talk with her. She needs to know exactly how this is affecting you. And what you're willing and unwilling to put up with in this marriage. When you talk to her do it in a loving, caring and concerned manner. Hopefully she'll be willing to listen to you and really hear you out.
Now on to answering your questions in a bit more detail. For my (and your) convenience I'm going to copy and paste them with my answers below them.
**Should I just deal with the fact that she is horrible at showing her feelings (she has told me she doesn't like to tell me nice things about me because she is concerned I will get a big head and leave her)?**
Maybe, but try to find a happy medium first. This might just be how she is, and you shouldn't take how she acts personally. I know that's hard b/c you seem like a very sensitive person by nature and your wife happens to be the exact opposite of that. And that's okay, it's whatever works for both of you in the marriage. You both need to be respective and sensitive to each others thoughts, feelings, wants and needs. Even though sometimes it's difficult to do and even frustrating too. The key here is learning to talk to each other about how your feeling on a regular basis, even if it's once per week, when you can set aside a little bit of time for each other and be able to listen and hear each others concerns, etc. And then come up with a way to compromise and work out these differences. It's going to take time, effort, energy and lots of patience too. You can both do this is you put your minds to it and support each other.
**Or is there something I could do differently to make her see that I am in need of more than words?**
You can try to communicate with her on a regular basis. Don't forget to respect her thoughts and feelings and give her her space if/when she needs it. This might prove a challenge to you if she's very stubborn and strong-willed though, don't give up on her or the relationship so easily (as some people tend to do now days).
**OR am I being selfish?**
I don't think you're being selfish at all. We all have wants, needs, desires and expectations in our lives, in our marriages, etc. You are no different than anyone else. It's human nature to want to feel loved, cared for, wanted, desired, respected, attractive, affection and attention from our partners/spouses. Your feelings are very normal and to be expected given what you're going through. But your desperation at times, might be proving to be too much for her and it turns her off the way you come across (and I'm not judging you for this either, you are who you are in life and you just want to be loved and accepted by your wife, again totally normal) and thus can explain why she reacts to you in this manner at times.
**Do I sound like a puss?**
Nope, not at all. I'd much rather a man be sensitive and wear his heart on his sleeve, than to be hard core and to show no emotions and very rude and insensitive. There is no harm in being compassionate and having compassion. There are lots of women out there who would kill for the way you treat and how much you love your wife. Don't change anything about the way you are (with the exception of maybe trying not to be so desperate at times in fishing for compliments to make yourself feel better, I hope that makes some sort of sense). Be true to yourself and don't ever pretend to be something you aren't in life. Be proud and happy that you are a great guy in a pretty decent and good marriage. Remember there are always others that are worse off than you. Don't be embarrassed to have a heart and to have feelings. I hope this helps you some!
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