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About Samantha
Expertise
I can answer most any questions regarding a husband/wife relationship. Whatever the question may be. I would like to help you find an answer to it. If you want an honest and unbiased opinion on things then ask away. I am a divorced mother of 4 children, I have been a single mother, and I'm currently remarried and have a 4th daughter with my husband. I know what it is like to have a spouse cheat on you, to be taken advantage of, to feel like everything is hopeless (being depressed), emotions (the up`s and down`s). I will try to answer anything you have on your mind about husband-wife relationships, divorce, adultery, etc. Please don`t hesitate to ask.
Experience
I've been answering questions and helping my clients for the last 9 years. I have many satisfied and return clients. I have helped people from all over the world and from many different walks of life, cultures, etc.
Education/Credentials
...........
Past/Present Clients
I have/had many repeats clients though the years I've been a volunteer here.
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You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Marriage > Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship > Marriage and an Affair
Expert: Samantha - 11/5/2009
Question
QUESTION: My husband and I have been together for 10 years 2 of which we have been married. We have a 10 month old little boy in which we both adore. My husband is upset that I have not lost the weight that I had put on during pregnancy. I feel as though he should love me for me and my weight shouldn't matter. He does not show me any affection and I feel very alone. He doesn't help with household chores at all. I feel as though he treats me like a slave.
I began talking to a coworker in which was also having problems with his wife. We became closer and closer and ended up intimate. We both believe that we are meant to be together. We like the same things we can read each other like a book better than our spouses have ever been able to do. We are truly in love with each other, but I feel as though I cant leave my husband, I don't want to hurt him. Also I don't want to have to break up our home for my son. The coworker feels as if he will lose his kids if he leaves his wife and is afraid for that reason. We have decided to try and just be friends and put forth an effort into our marriages. We talk on a daily bases but only at work. It is quite obvious that we care a great deal for each other. It is tearing me apart. I don't know what to do or which way to turn. What is your opinion on the situation? Also we both are not the type to ever cheat on our spouses, we both have always hated people that did what we have also done, so that alone is also taking its toll on the two of us for becoming people that we are not.
ANSWER: Hi Melissa~
My personal opinion on this whole situation is that some times we do things in life that we aren't proud of doing. Cheating happens, and it's more common than most people even realize. I've had two husbands cheat on me, so I know what it's like. I was very unhappy in my first marriage, I probably had the opportunity to cheat more than once, but you know what I was never tempted to go outside my marriage. I have very personal and strict reasons why I don't cheat, not matter what my circumstances in my marriage are/were at any time, and there were plenty of bad times in both marriages. The difference is even though it was nice to get attention from someone who wasn't my husband, who clearly found me attractive, I wouldn't, I refused b/c I had personal boundaries for myself and others around me that couldn't be crossed no matter what the situation at hand was. I realize that at time there are people that feel very vulnerable at times in life, that doesn't mean one has to act on it, but it does happen regardless.
When you cheat with someone you're looking for something that you don't have or share with your spouse, so you seek it elsewhere. The bottom line is it's wrong, but what's done is done and you can't change it, you can only learn a lesson from it and to not ever put yourself in that type of situation ever again. If you feel like you are drawn to him and you can't control yourself when you're around him, then you need to cut your contact out with him. If you have to have contact with him at work, that's understandable, but only do it for work related issues that come up on an as needed basis. Otherwise, you're both going to find yourself right back in the situation that you want out of. It's a catch 22 really.
Do either of you have any plans to tell your spouses about this? If not, then might want to think about what if they eventually find out on their own about it? You have to be willing, ready and prepared for that scenario, b/c it's not just going to go away if you don't talk about what happened, plus the chances are higher that you'll relapse and pick up where you left off with each other. One day in time you're both going to have to be held accountable for your action, we all are. And if that ends up being that your marriages fail and this relationship ultimately fails you have no one to blame but yourself. Just b/c you care for him for whatever personal reasons, doesn't mean that it could ever work out as a relationship and you'll end up being together in the end. Relationships born out of infidelity have a higher rate of failing due to the issue of "if they'll do it with you, then they'll do it to you." If someone else were to come along and one of you hit it off with them, who's to say that you wouldn't be tempted to cheat, it's that type of scenario that causes outsiders looking in to think and feel this way (even if it's not really the case, if that makes any sense whatsoever). In desperate times people make stupid and idiotic mistakes that they end up regretting. I'm not judging you or this man that you had the affair with simply b/c it's not my place, rather I'm criticizing the actions that you both made. The bottom line is an affair is wrong, and to carry on with each other is putting yourself at risk for losing all that you have, which means family, spouses, homes, life as you know it in general, etc. Affairs don't just affect the two people that have it, it affects those closest to them too, those that they love and they tear families apart. Even though you both didn't intentionally set out to have one it happened. Cut ties with him while you can and try to move on with your respective lives, it's really in the best interest of everyone involved here. I'm not saying it's going to be easy for either of you to do but it needs to be done. Work on repairing the marriages and improving yourself and making you happier, so that you don't need to find solace in someone else for all the wrong reasons. I hope this helps you some.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Hi Samantha,
You are absolutely correct we are both definetly in the wrong I realize that. You asked if we were going to tell our spouses. He had been caught by his spouse. She already knows because she found a text messge on his phone that he had sent to me that said I love you. She only thinks that it is an emotional affair, she doent know that it has also been physical. I am affraid of telling my husband because I know that he won't try to work through it, it will just be over between the 2 of us.
Yes the two of us have to work together 5 days a week 8 hrs a day. So that makes it that much more complicated. We have stopped going to lunch together and we have stopped meeting eachother after work. We only see each other at work but the entire time that we are at work. I have always held my head high and always had high morals, I cant even believe I allowed this to happen. I have always hated people that did things like this and now here I am.
Answer
Hi Melissa~
So are you wanting to stay in this marriage then? You certainly don't have to tell your husband if you don't want to. That's totally up to you and for you to do what's right for you. I completely understand that this was totally out of character for you and this co-worker. My husband was one of the last persons that I thought would cheat on me, but he did, he didn't tell me until about 4 yrs after it happened b/c he simply couldn't carry the guilt any longer, and he full well knew that I'd been through this before in my first marriage. I think he was hoping that I'd divorce him and move on with my life. He has depression issues too, so I know that contributed to him doing what he did. Not that I'm excusing what he did, b/c it was wrong and that's the bottom line. I learned over time to forgive him and he slowly earned the trust back and I fully trust him now, b/c we are working harder than ever before to communicate better (we didn't talk much for over half of our marriage). So that makes a huge difference there too.
Anyway, you have to stop being so hard on yourself now, you have to learn to eventually forgive yourself so that you might one day have inner peace. You can learn a very valuable lesson from your mistakes in life. I realize that you have to have some sort of contact with him at work, and that's fine as long as you keep it on a strictly professional level and don't put yourself in compromising positions or in temptations way. Forgiveness is the key for moving forward with your life, of course, you will not forget what you did and have the guilt you carry forever, but that's the price you pay for what you did. Don't be so hard on yourself, live and let live. Now, it give you a deeper understanding of those that have been in your current position and not to judge others until you've walked a mile in their shoes, so to speak. If you have any further questions or concerns please feel free to write back. Stay strong and it does get better as time goes on.
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