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You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Marriage > Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship > Platonic friendship
Expert: Graham Smith B.PHIL - 11/5/2009
Question
QUESTION: I have been married for 15 years. A couple of years ago, I had an emotional affair & I tell myself I never want to do that again. Recently I befriended a woman whom I am attracted to. We correspond through e-mails and the phone once or twice a week. I've told this woman about my emotional affair, and that I do not want to hurt my wife. I know this will not turn into an emotional affair, and know when to stop it if it heads that direction. My wife is upset & she looks through my e-mails, and phone records. I feel angry because of her distrust, and I don't like having someone look over my shoulder, and telling me who I can or cannot talk with. I tell my wife that the friendship with this woman is platonic, and that I love my wife. She is still upset. How can I make her understand that there is nothing going on with this woman and I, and that I love my wife?
ANSWER: hi there,
its an old situation you are in,can men and women be just friends? i think so,but many can't draw the line between "just friends" or being "lovers" Some people believe it's physically impossible. As Billy Crystal said to Meg Ryan in the film When Harry Met Sally: "Men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way." So is it really out of the question to have a truly platonic friendship with one man while you're in a happy, sexual relationship with another? Is it hopelessly idealistic to think men and women can actually be friends without wanting to sleep with each other?
"Many people still can't get away from the notion that men and women are only on this planet to bonk and thus find it hard to believe that totally innocent friendships between the sexes are possible, looking from the woman's point of view,it is feasible for a woman who's already in a relationship to have a great friendship with another man, one that gives her a different perspective on life and love. And if she handles things right, it need not seem remotely threatening to her partner." It's vital though for a woman(men too) to be honest , and to do so she must identify which of the following categories her male friendship falls into:
What sort of friend?
1. Great mate, you've never fancied him
Type: This man is a great laugh, great fun to be with and you love his company. Crucially though, you wouldn't fancy him in a million years and the thought of having sex with him literally never enters your head.
Pros: Your partner probably thinks he's as brilliant as you do and because there obviously isn't the slightest chance you fancy him, there's no jealousy.
Cons: You're sometimes a bit too matey and all those in-jokes can make your partner feel a bit excluded.
Flirt factor: Zero - he's a friend, pure and simple.
Risk to your love relationship: Nil - you can have the lover and the friend without upsetting either of them.
2. Great mate, you used to fancy him
Type: This is the friend who was once a boyfriend but things didnt work out - often, but not always, because the sexual chemistry was lacking. Even so, you've remained the best of pals.
Pros: There are no sexual undercurrents between you - you've been there and worked that one through - and as long as you are honest and open with your new partner he should be able to accept the friendship.
Cons: Talking about your shared past, giving him one too many hugs goodnight or talking to him for a bit too long about his love life problems could upset your partner and cause jealous sparks to fly.
Flirt factor: You do flirt because you know it's safe, it's not going anywhere and everyone understands that.
Risk to your love relationship: Low - but you need to be absolutely sure that you¿re not trying to keep the option to rekindle romance open by maintaining the friendship.
3. Great mate - but you really fancy him
Type: This man feels like your soulmate, you can tell him anything and everything and probably tend to confide in him more than your partner. Whether you recognise it or not, you fancy the pants off him.
Pros: Few and fleeting because sooner or later your partner is going to notice that your feelings for your so-called friend are stronger than you're letting on.
Cons: Slowly but surely, reality will dawn. When your mate mentions he's going on a date, you'll feel snubbed and jealous and even spending every spare moment with him isn't enough.
Flirt factor: Through the roof! You can't help yourself - he's just so gorgeous and deep down you want him to pick up the signals you're giving out.
Risk to your love relationship: High - as you struggle with how you feel, your partner is going to wonder what on earth is going on.
The way forward,if you fall into category three, it's time to ask yourself some tough questions, "Are you happy with just friendship or do you want more but aren't being honest with yourself?" "Only you know the answers. "At the end of the day you have to decide whether you accept friendship is the limit and work on improving your relationship with your current partner or take a chance and find out if your friend feels the same about you." If your friendship fits into categories one or two, then juggling the demands of the man you love with the man you simply like should not be overly problematic, so if you have a solid relationship with your lover and are honest and open so he can see there's nothing going on, things should go smoothly," she says. Even so, it's important to be sensitive to his feelings. The following tips should help:
How to have the friend without upsetting the lover
• Don't be overly affectionate to your friend when your partner is around
• If your lover is jealous, don't belittle his feelings but talk things through
• Don't be afraid to admit your male friend is important to you
• Ask your lover before including your friend in your joint social life.
hope this helps a little
Graham
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Knowing that I have a friendship with this other woman boosts my ego. I feel that no matter how much I tell my wife that she is important to me, she feels upset/cheated, for as long as I keep that friendship with this friend. Should I introduce my wife to my friend, so she can talk to her and see that nothing is going on? Should I just let that friend go?
Answer
hi Trevor,
as your wife is so against this lady friend, i would think that she would not want to meet her at all. I am not sure where her thoughts are on this, but it would appear that she has much deeper issues than just you being "friends" with this lady. I suggest you reduce the time you spend with this lady,or your wife will be upset,but that is not what you want to happen, so you must sort this out ASAP.
graham
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