Expert: Samantha - 11/6/2009

Question
My husband's role is more of a father figure in his family and it is creating resentment on my part.  His family (divorced parents included) refer to him about family gatherings, think nothing of spending the night at our house any time (they only stay with us versus other siblings)but do not chip in on food expenses or help clean up (they are all adults).  Due to this, I am the one picking up the pieces and cooking, cleaning, etc.  They have worn out their welcome in my mind... I have numerous instances of them taking advantage, though I don't think they mean to - they just don't know any better. I have tried telling them to bring a dish to help and that turned into a whining session behind my back.  Now one sibling says his family doesn't feel "welcome" -this is after they spent the 4th night in a row in our home when my mother was supposed to be spending the night and we had just buried my dad. My husband just tells me, "Well, that's my role and it's not going to change."  HELP!  It's creating resentment on my part and rifts between us.  I want to spend time with them without feeling resentful, and I want to stop the friction between my husband and me.

Answer
Hi Kristi~

He needs to be more sensitive to your needs and take into consideration your thoughts and feelings on this whole matter.  Try to sit down with him and have a serious heart to heart talk with him.  He needs to know exactly how this is affecting you.  And what you're willing and unwilling to put up with in this marriage.  See if he'll agree to sit down and talk with his parents about this.  It seems as though he's got his priorities all wrong here.  He's not their parent, or their role mother, their father-figure, etc.  He's their son, and your husband, and frankly he needs to act like both and stop taking his parents side over yours.  You have to learn to communicate better here, both of you.  When you talk to him do it in a non-confrontational way, otherwise he might clam up, become defensive and refuse to talk to you about anything.  The point here is that something has to be done and the sooner the better.  You've already reached your breaking point by now.  How much longer are you going to put up with this before you finally say, NO MORE?! I mean is enough just that enough?  You can't keep living this way, it's taking too much of a toll on you.  You can either choose to tolerate it or not.  Hopefully he'll be willing to at least sit down and talk to you and hear you out.  And you can sit down with his parents and try to resolve this issue together as a team.  After all marriage is teamwork, with two people working together to support one another.  If he still refuses, then you have to make a decision as to what you're going to do next.  You don't have to take this, and nor should you. The choice is yours and it's one that only you can make.