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You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Marriage > Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship > no love, no sex -- divorce?
Expert: Dr Tim Gladu - 11/3/2009
Question
My husband and I have been married for 10 years this 28/Oct. But we have no sex for the last 2 years. Before we had a business which drove us a very stressful life with lots of arguments. 2 years ago he started to see psychologist for the stress from work, business and marriage. But he never told me what he and the psychologist were talking about. It seemed nothing to do with me at all, all I could see is that he is changing, and to me he is becoming a worse persona and I told him what I see and feel. He told his psychologist about what I said at the next meeting, then he told me " my psychologist said things go worse before get better". This March we finally ended that 10-year business, but 1 week after our 10th anniversary he told me about divorce. He said I have been like a MOTHER than a WIFE, he dose not feel like to have sex with me but he wants a child so he has been wanting to end this marriage for few years but never knew how and afraid to say it. I asked him what your psychologist suggestion on our marriage when you met him last week? He said: my psychologist was surprised that I am still living with you, he wants me to move on - get divorce. I was shocked and feeling helpless, seemed the whole world is against me. I begged and talked with my husband for few hours: our marriage was in a stressful condition for 10 years and now the business is ended, should we give our marriage a chance for a new start. He insists "can not have sex with me, and he time is running out for having a child."(he is 44 and I am 41.) Then we went for a dinner after a long conversation, and no one talked about it any more. We still kiss each every day in the morning and evening, although I can feel less feeling from his kisses.(just a simple touch actually). 5 weeks later I suggested for a holiday, he said ok and we booked the trip. I thought it might be a chance to bring it further, I said: should we try something...sex? Then his face turned cold and replied "I told you I can't have sex with you, I don't love you, I don't feel like to have sex with you", I asked: the why you agreed for a holiday?. he said: I just don't want to please you. From there I started trying to talk with him again for few hours, he insisted he can't %26 he doesn't love me any more. Again, we went for the dinner, then next day and today we kissed in the morning/evening, still no one mentioned anything yet, I think the trip is still alive and what..... I am really confused right now, that's why I am writing here for help, please someone tell me what is going on, is my marriage is REALLY no way back?
Answer
May,
I would never want to mis lead you. From what you have told me it sounds like your husband left the marriage a long time ago. he sounds like he is committed to the divorce and he just does not have the guts to leave. If you want to have children then time is running out. The more over 40 you are the greater the risk to you and the child. If he wants to leave then at this point you would be well in your rights. He has no love for you which is obvious from how he is acting. You may have a chance at true love if you take the leap and leave him. I would speak to a lawyer soon so you make sure you are covered, but do it soon. I believe that marriage is about love and partnering with another person. He has emotionally abandoned you so it may be time for you to get while your still young enough to start over.
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