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About Samantha
Expertise
I can answer most any questions regarding a husband/wife relationship. Whatever the question may be. I would like to help you find an answer to it. If you want an honest and unbiased opinion on things then ask away. I am a divorced mother of 4 children, I have been a single mother, and I'm currently remarried and have a 4th daughter with my husband. I know what it is like to have a spouse cheat on you, to be taken advantage of, to feel like everything is hopeless (being depressed), emotions (the up`s and down`s). I will try to answer anything you have on your mind about husband-wife relationships, divorce, adultery, etc. Please don`t hesitate to ask.
Experience
I've been answering questions and helping my clients for the last 9 years. I have many satisfied and return clients. I have helped people from all over the world and from many different walks of life, cultures, etc.
Education/Credentials
...........
Past/Present Clients
I have/had many repeats clients though the years I've been a volunteer here.
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You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Marriage > Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship > recovering after betrayal
Expert: Samantha - 11/2/2009
Question
Two months ago I opened my computer to check my email. At first I thought it was my account and I saw a note from a friend of mine saying "I had a dream about you last night." I quickly realized it was my husband's account and after searching his emails learned that he and my friend had been having an internet affair all summer. I confronted my husband later that morning and he admitted it but said he'd been trying to end it. She lives in a different state so nothing in real life had happened. You would think it would hurt less because of that, but it doesn't. I later found his saved chats with her and learned among the many awful sordid exchanges, that he was planning an upcoming work trip to meet her for lunch. (He said to say goodbye, but the chats say it was for lunch and a kiss.) As I write this it still feels like such a nightmare to me. My husband of 11 years, whom I trusted and loved more than anyone in the world, intelligent, honest (I thought), true blue. I still can't believe this is him this is us... I left with the kids the next day, packed up the car and ran away, but as soon as I got to a hotel, I realized it didn’t work without him. Drove back that night at midnight and we talked all night. Had lots of conversations the first few weeks.
He has been struggling with depression for more than 2 years and I have been keeping the trains running with the children, household, etc. I even went down to parttime in May so that I could help more around the house and make things better for us. All that did was give him time to chat with her every day while I was with the kids.
I am so very hurt and devastated. My whole world has been turned upside down. He immediately broke off contact with her (he says). He recently went on his trip and didn't see her (again he says). I think I believe him. We are seeing a really excellent marriage counselor, but most of our time is spent on my husband and his depression and actions. I feel completely alone. He is incredibly remorseful and ashamed. He loves me, I know he does. I know in my heart that this was about him and his depression, and that this was a small bit of life and light that he was holding onto through the storms he was navigating. It made him feel alive again. But I don't know how to trust him again. I still love him, but am so incredibly angry and don't know how to handle feeling both at the same time. I am also tired of everything in our lives being about him and his needs.
It's been 2 months, I thought I would feel better by now, and I do in the sense I don't cry all day every day, but I don't in the sense that I still have wild mood swings between loving him and not imagining my life without him and nearly hating him and thinking non-stop about how to get myself and my two small children out of this situation. I’ve lost 25 pounds, and started going to the gym. This has helped. I went away for a weekend with a friend but being away from him is incredibly difficult. We have tried to do some date nights, at first that helped, but lately he has been too busy with work to spend time with me. This is also making me feel more distant. I know he is afraid all the time when he is with me that I will bring it up. It’s really bad.
I need advice about how to stay, how to weather this. He doesn’t want to talk about it anymore, he just wants to forget but he always tries to answer my questions when I ask. I think I forgive him, I want to at least, but I can’t forget. But right now, I just need some strategies for making it through the days. I need some reasons to stay despite this heartache. The children are acting out because of the stress, but they have been acting out for a while because of the depression and mood around the house. What can I do to make things better? So lost, so sad, so angry, so hurt. The path is not certain.
-Kara
Answer
Hi Kara~
It's only been two months since his infidelity, so it's going to take you a long road to recover from this betrayal. Adultery is the ultimate betrayal in a marriage. It makes you lose every ounce of trust and even respect that you once had for your spouse. It makes it hard to even fathom how a person that's supposed to love, care, cherish and honor you and no one else is to come between the marriage. Adultery, unfortunately is a pretty common occurance in marriage in this day and age, sad to say but it's true. You have to figure out how to cope and deal with what has happened. It's okay to be angry, upset, mad, etc. You're going to feel this way for a long time. It took me a long, long time to cope with this too in my marriage. I forgave him but I told him I just couldn't forget what happened. If you need to talk about it with him then do it. He has to learn that you have issues with this too, just as he has problems with his depression. It's never good to hold your feelings in. Have you thought about going to see a therapist individually for yourself? If not, then you seriously need to consider it, it can make a world of difference when you have someone to vent to, talk to or someone just to listen to what's on your mind, and/or your thoughts and feelings about all this and anything else that you are dealing with at any particular time. It's crucial to have a good support system in place if you're to recover and bounce back from what has happened. With that said, all of these thoughts and feelings that you're currently having right now are totally normal and to be expected. This isn't something that you're going to get over quickly and promptly. It's a process that you have to go through in order for the healing to begin, and to get to where it doesn't hurt so bad, like it does now.
You need to sit down with him and have a serious heart to heart talk with him. He needs to know exactly how this is affecting you. And what you're willing and unwilling to put up with in this marriage. He also has to be willing to do whatever it takes to make this marriage work. By the same token when you talk to him about how you feel, he has to be able to acknowledge what all this has done to you and the marriage. Also you both need to learn to be sensitive to each others needs too. He can't change what has happened and neither can you. Rather you can only move forward from this and take something very valuable away from all this and learn a lesson from what has occurred. This will either make or break the marriage that's a guarantee for sure. It'll either bring you closer together as a couple and you can gain a stronger bond with one another through this. Or it'll continue to eat you up and end up tearing you apart b/c you simply don't know how to cope and deal with all this. One of these scenarios is inevitable and will happen.
How to you make things better, you ask? You do your part in the marriage by trying to improve things, yourself, your attitude towards him, try to work together as a team. You can only do so much as one person, he's responsible for his own actions. If the marriage ends up failing, then as least you can walk away knowing you did what you could to put forth that effort to make it work. Unfortunately some marriages end due to adultery. Sometimes there's nothing a person can say or do to make up for what they did. When trust is broken sometimes it just can not be returned to the way it was before the original incident happened. Improve yourself, find happiness somehow, take care of yourself, the children and that's where you'll get the most happiness out of life and all that you've achieve in life. The point is if he can't talk about it with you, then how does he expect to improve the marriage, himself and the relationship that HE broke up in the first place? He can't. You've only failed when you have failed to try, that saying is so very true when you think about it. The choice is yours and it's one that only you can make. I hope this helps you some.
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