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About Samantha
Expertise
I can answer most any questions regarding a husband/wife relationship. Whatever the question may be. I would like to help you find an answer to it. If you want an honest and unbiased opinion on things then ask away. I am a divorced mother of 4 children, I have been a single mother, and I'm currently remarried and have a 4th daughter with my husband. I know what it is like to have a spouse cheat on you, to be taken advantage of, to feel like everything is hopeless (being depressed), emotions (the up`s and down`s). I will try to answer anything you have on your mind about husband-wife relationships, divorce, adultery, etc. Please don`t hesitate to ask.
Experience
I've been answering questions and helping my clients for the last 9 years. I have many satisfied and return clients. I have helped people from all over the world and from many different walks of life, cultures, etc.
Education/Credentials
...........
Past/Present Clients
I have/had many repeats clients though the years I've been a volunteer here.
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You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Marriage > Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship > separated, want to earn my way back
Expert: Samantha - 11/2/2009
Question
QUESTION: my wife abruptly left me last june due to my relapsing back into alcohol use (one beer after mowing lawn on hot day). i had a stroke about 5-6 months before, and was on hbp meds. so i can understand her anger and need to protect herself.
so, now, here we are months later and divorce has never been discussed. we still regularly see each other in a social and dating sense. most recently, we met at the local fun park, rode the go carts and played mini golf together. we watch our college football team on tv every week and share dinner usually several times per week.
my question is, and has always been: why does she insist on living apart when we have so much time together? also, how can i use this wonderful time together to rebuild what we had (a very happy "blessed" marriage)? btw- "blessed" was her word. we have been married for 17 years, of which i abused alcohol over the course of the marriage. i have since been sober since the day of the separation. also, jealousy and control were two of ther prominent issues stated by my wife as a reason for the separation.
ANSWER: Hi Chris~
It's rather simple coming from her point of view. It's much easier to live apart from someone that you've had problems with in the past (i.e- the alcohol issue, jealousy, control problems, etc). She probably wants to make absolutely sure that you will not relapse and that you change your bad habits and ways before she agrees to live together and to salvage the damage that's been done in the marriage. After all how would you feel/react if the shoe were on the other proverbial foot and you were in her situation. Trust is a hard thing to get back once you break it (for whatever various reasons). And it's going to take quite a while to get back to where you were earlier in the marriage years. Does that make any sense whatsoever? She doesn't want to relive the hurt and pain you cause her when you were living together.
I would strongly urge you to suggest marriage counseling to her, and also individual therapy for yourself. My father growing up was a raging alcoholic, almost his entire life, he even died one. My mom was married to him for 12 yrs, before she finally got tired of his drinking, coming home drunk, being strange ppl home, etc. They also had two children together (myself and my sister). I, to this day, still have lasting affects and memories of my father's drinking. He was not so nice when he was drinking and drunk. I have very vivid memories of this from when I was 7 yrs old too. Maybe it's some things that you just don't see or want to acknowledge. It can be hard to hear truth when it comes from someone you love and cherish.
We all have faults. The thing here is you have to prove to her that you can become a better man, and you can change your bad ways, and that you're willing to do whatever it takes to make this marriage work. Which can include going to therapy, AA, staying in your own home while separated from her, etc. However, you don't want to keep waiting around forever for her to make up her mind about if you can ever be a family again. That wouldn't be fair to either of you. The truth is only time will tell what's going to happen with you, her and ultimately if the marriage can survive. Besides all you can do is show her by your actions and keep improving yourself and getting better day by day, little by little. You can only live one day at a time and take things as they go, to hope for the best but expect the worst. Hang in there and don't give up. Regular communication will help you with things too. Don't be afraid to tell her how you feel. If you can both be sensitive to each others needs, and to be as supportive as you can to each other, the marriage has a good chance at surviving this. I hope this helps you some.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: what i am failing to understand at this point is the following: she continues to see me on a pretty regular basis. not romantic dates, but dates nontheless. tv, movies, football games, pretty casual, laid back stuff. what meaning or hope could that hold? what do you think it means. i have made it pretty obvious that i'm not "giving up."
Answer
Hi Chris~
Maybe she's taking her time and feeling you out, so to speak. She wants to see just how committed you are to her before she even agrees to get serious with you once again. Or she's just wanting to hang out with you and trying to be friends with you right now as opposed to husband and wife. It's really hard to say what her intentions are as of now. This is why it's very important that you keep communication lines open and get her opinion on how she thinks things are going in the marriage, and if she's even wanting to continue on with the marriage for that matter. Some people are just hard to read and don't really give you any signs on what the next step is going to be. She could be casually spending time with you and trying to decide on what to do next. Only she knows that for sure and she has her reasons for behaving this way, and trying to be on at least friendly terms with you. Talk to her and find out what's going on in her head, so that you have an idea of what her intentions are to begin with.
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