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About Samantha
Expertise
I can answer most any questions regarding a husband/wife relationship. Whatever the question may be. I would like to help you find an answer to it. If you want an honest and unbiased opinion on things then ask away. I am a divorced mother of 4 children, I have been a single mother, and I'm currently remarried and have a 4th daughter with my husband. I know what it is like to have a spouse cheat on you, to be taken advantage of, to feel like everything is hopeless (being depressed), emotions (the up`s and down`s). I will try to answer anything you have on your mind about husband-wife relationships, divorce, adultery, etc. Please don`t hesitate to ask.
Experience
I've been answering questions and helping my clients for the last 9 years. I have many satisfied and return clients. I have helped people from all over the world and from many different walks of life, cultures, etc.
Education/Credentials
...........
Past/Present Clients
I have/had many repeats clients though the years I've been a volunteer here.
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You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Marriage > Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship > separated, want to earn my way back
Expert: Samantha - 11/3/2009
Question
QUESTION: my wife abruptly left me last june due to my relapsing back into alcohol use (one beer after mowing lawn on hot day). i had a stroke about 5-6 months before, and was on hbp meds. so i can understand her anger and need to protect herself.
so, now, here we are months later and divorce has never been discussed. we still regularly see each other in a social and dating sense. most recently, we met at the local fun park, rode the go carts and played mini golf together. we watch our college football team on tv every week and share dinner usually several times per week.
my question is, and has always been: why does she insist on living apart when we have so much time together? also, how can i use this wonderful time together to rebuild what we had (a very happy "blessed" marriage)? btw- "blessed" was her word. we have been married for 17 years, of which i abused alcohol over the course of the marriage. i have since been sober since the day of the separation. also, jealousy and control were two of ther prominent issues stated by my wife as a reason for the separation.
ANSWER: Hi Chris~
It's rather simple coming from her point of view. It's much easier to live apart from someone that you've had problems with in the past (i.e- the alcohol issue, jealousy, control problems, etc). She probably wants to make absolutely sure that you will not relapse and that you change your bad habits and ways before she agrees to live together and to salvage the damage that's been done in the marriage. After all how would you feel/react if the shoe were on the other proverbial foot and you were in her situation. Trust is a hard thing to get back once you break it (for whatever various reasons). And it's going to take quite a while to get back to where you were earlier in the marriage years. Does that make any sense whatsoever? She doesn't want to relive the hurt and pain you cause her when you were living together.
I would strongly urge you to suggest marriage counseling to her, and also individual therapy for yourself. My father growing up was a raging alcoholic, almost his entire life, he even died one. My mom was married to him for 12 yrs, before she finally got tired of his drinking, coming home drunk, being strange ppl home, etc. They also had two children together (myself and my sister). I, to this day, still have lasting affects and memories of my father's drinking. He was not so nice when he was drinking and drunk. I have very vivid memories of this from when I was 7 yrs old too. Maybe it's some things that you just don't see or want to acknowledge. It can be hard to hear truth when it comes from someone you love and cherish.
We all have faults. The thing here is you have to prove to her that you can become a better man, and you can change your bad ways, and that you're willing to do whatever it takes to make this marriage work. Which can include going to therapy, AA, staying in your own home while separated from her, etc. However, you don't want to keep waiting around forever for her to make up her mind about if you can ever be a family again. That wouldn't be fair to either of you. The truth is only time will tell what's going to happen with you, her and ultimately if the marriage can survive. Besides all you can do is show her by your actions and keep improving yourself and getting better day by day, little by little. You can only live one day at a time and take things as they go, to hope for the best but expect the worst. Hang in there and don't give up. Regular communication will help you with things too. Don't be afraid to tell her how you feel. If you can both be sensitive to each others needs, and to be as supportive as you can to each other, the marriage has a good chance at surviving this. I hope this helps you some.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: okay. makes sense. one more question. my individual counseling and work is well in progress. i can tell you this: I'm clean and sober with no relapses since may 19, 2008. the self esteem work is going well. jealousy, control issue, etc. i have in check. i truly think i am a reformed man. everything she hated about our relationship is rehabilitated. i would like to put her to see the position i think i'm in, and confront her with the idea that this has gone on long enough. is there a right or a wrong way?
Answer
Hi Chris~
The wrong way to go about it would be to demand that something be done and ASAP. She's probably wanting to take her time and see if she does want to subject herself to a relationship or marriage with you again. And there's nothing wrong with that, for her to be overly cautious b/c you did hurt her when you relapsed (try to put yourself in her shoes for a moment and what would you do if you were in this situation and it was reversed). However, by the same token there is only so long that you can wait, you can't be expected to wait around forever for her to make up her mind and make her final decision about this marriage and whether she wants to be with you or not.
You need to try and sit down with her and touch base with her on her thoughts and feelings about pursuing the marriage and becoming an official couple again. That's great that you've been clean for so long, but remember that you'll have those tough times when you might become vulnerable and then you're at a high risk to relapse once again (she's probably very scared that might happen, and there is a very real possibility there that you can't deny), and she doesn't want to put herself in that position again. If that makes any sense whatsoever. Anyway, back to your question. In talking with her you need to make clear any and all your intentions regarding your continued recovery (once an alcoholic always an alcoholic, once a drug addict, always a drug addict, the thing is you'll be a recovering/recovered addict, you have to remember that and acknowledge it forever), that you're going to keep improving yourself, learning from your mistakes, etc. I know I keep rambling on, and I getting to my point, I promise.
Talk to her and tell her what your goals are in getting this marriage back on track and making it better and so that you can both be happy (and you understand her being cautious, etc), it's something you both have to be committed to doing together (key word together). And that you are not going to wait around for her forever and making it up to her forever for your past mistakes, you can't keep reliving the past and being crucified for it. The past is in the past and it should stay there. You're a new and improved person and you want to move on with your lives together. The right way to approach her with this is to be honest, open and up front with her about what you expect and want to happen and in order for you to be together and have a happy, healthy and fulfilling marriage together. If she refuses to accept what you propose, well, then you'll have to have a back up plan and decide where you're going to go from there on out. Be sensitive to her needs, yet respectful and firm at the same time.
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