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About Samantha
Expertise
I can answer most any questions regarding a husband/wife relationship. Whatever the question may be. I would like to help you find an answer to it. If you want an honest and unbiased opinion on things then ask away. I am a divorced mother of 4 children, I have been a single mother, and I'm currently remarried and have a 4th daughter with my husband. I know what it is like to have a spouse cheat on you, to be taken advantage of, to feel like everything is hopeless (being depressed), emotions (the up`s and down`s). I will try to answer anything you have on your mind about husband-wife relationships, divorce, adultery, etc. Please don`t hesitate to ask.
Experience
I've been answering questions and helping my clients for the last 9 years. I have many satisfied and return clients. I have helped people from all over the world and from many different walks of life, cultures, etc.
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...........
Past/Present Clients
I have/had many repeats clients though the years I've been a volunteer here.
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You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Marriage > Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship > Can't decide what to do!
Expert: Samantha - 11/5/2009
Question
QUESTION: Last Tuesday, Oct. 27th, my husband signed on to a social site %26 reconnected with his high school sweetheart with my permission. I had given him permission thinking it would help him release some of the guilt he has carried from his past which he seems to dwell a lot on and he has been somewhat depressed lately so I thought this would help. Well, this reconnecting has brought back many of the old feelings he had buried deep inside him for his "first love". Mind you we have been happily together for the last 15 years and married for four of them so I trusted him. We are best friends, as well. Now after contacting his "love", she has expressed the same feelings for him and that they never left. Now he is telling me he is confused and doesn't know what he wants. He is still living in our household until he can decide. What should I do to save our marriage or should I just let him go and move on with my life?
ANSWER: Hi K~
I can understand and totally respect that you thought you were doing the right thing by allowing him to make contact with his ex-love. However, this may now have caused more problems and actually back-fired on you. The reality of them reconnecting and making a relationship actually work are very slim (although it's not totally impossible or unheard of for this to happen). The reason I say this is b/c they are two different people than when they were in "love" together. It's been 15+ yrs since he's even seen her, really talked to her to get a feel for what she's even like. A person can change so much in 15 yrs that it's like they are totally different than that person you thought you knew and loved when you were dating. As people grow up they mature and find different paths in life, etc. They are in love with the idea of being in love, if that makes any sense whatsoever. If he's also dealing depression that can even intensify his feelings, so much so that now he's clearly not thinking straight if he's willing to jeopardize this marriage and relationship with you. Hence why he's acting this very way right now. It's normal to a certain extent for him to feel confusion, etc.
One never really ever forgets their first true love, it's always somewhere in the back of your mind somewhere. I know this happened to me when I was in my first marriage. I had a lot of problems in my marriage though and if he's battling depression it's an escape from him from the depression, to memories of the good times that they shared together, etc. Reality is though that if something isn't done to nip this in the bud it's going to end up ruining your marriage, no doubt about this. I would strongly suggest that you sit down with him and have a serious heart to heart talk with him. When you do this do it in a loving, caring and concerned manner. He needs to know exactly how this is affecting you. And what you're willing and unwilling to put up with in this marriage. You need to tell him that you thought this would help him with giving your blessing to look this old flame up and to contact her, but instead it's down the exact opposite and now you might end up regretting ever letting this happen. That's b/c it's put your marriage and relationship at risk, by having this woman in his life now. He needs to know your expectations in the marriage, and if he fails to listen to you and really hear you and to see why you feel this way, then he's got this woman on the brain and that's what's consuming him, and why he's honestly confused about what to do.
He can't expect you to sit around and wait for him to come to a conclusion on what to do about this woman. It's either her or you, make that very clear to him from the get go. I would strongly urge you to see some marital counseling to see if this marriage can even be salvaged (and it very well can, the key is both of you have to be willing participants in making this marriage better and stronger in the future). Again if he refuses to accept help, then you have no other choice but to move on with your life w/o him in it. It would be a very unfortunate situation, but you need to prepare yourself for that very possible reality should it come. Go with your heart and do what's right for you and what makes you happy. Whatever decision you ultimately make isn't going to be an easy one that's for sure. Good luck to you!
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: They have been talking on the phone, texting, etc. on a daily basis since last Tuesday. I have asked him to not have so much contact with her especially on a daily basis. He has cut back a little but something happened last evening that really upset me. He came home from work and didn't want to talk and said he had a bad night. Come to find out she sent him a really long text message telling him that she doesn't want to break up his relationship since we have been together so long and I guess she feels it is best to end it but he was so distraught over this and thought that I had contacted her and this was the result. I told him I never contacted her but I could tell he was so upset over that text because he feels he is breaking her heart just like he did 22 years ago and he doesn't want to do that. Now, I'm even more confused because I feel he is more concerned about her feelings at this point than mine. Would you agree? What would be your suggestion for me to do at this point. Since he has so much feeling towards her, should I tell him to go so he can go and find his happiness?
Answer
Hi K~
No, absolutely do not give him the go ahead to go see her, if you do, then you might be kissing the marriage goodbye. I can understand his upset and disappointment. His main problem here is that he's never had closure to this old relationship, and on top of that it was his first real and true love, so you have to feel a bit sorry for him, b/c he's confused and dealing with all this at once, especially with a depression issue (which as I said before can really magnify things for him). You need to sit down with him and have a serious heart to heart talk with him and tell him exactly how this is making you feel. Try to explain to him that he doesn't know her like he thinks he does, he's living in the past and they are two different people now. What he thinks he feels for her are feelings from 22 yrs ago when they were together, young and carefree back in the day, he's not that same person and neither is she. If he were to go and meet her, I think you'd both realize the reality here. I know he needs closure but you can't support him in this. If you do then you are condoning him being with another woman. And what if they did hit it off, and he left you for her, could any of you live with that? I mean they would be tearing apart your marriage and any relationship or whatever that she's involved with, and face it it's not fair to you and all involved. This is probably why she's reluctant to meet him and wants him to work on the marriage. She doesn't want to have it on her conscience that she's a home wrecker (not that I'm judging her either, but that's the impression she would get and those that are on the outside looking in).
You have to stick to your guns and tell him that you initially thought this would help him, but instead it's ended up hindering your marriage and putting a huge wrinkle in it. And you can't live with yourself if you were to let him go and be with her and the end result was that he ultimately took up with her, even though it's highly likely that their union would end up failing in the long run. Does that make any sense whatsoever? Anyway, I can't tell you what to do. You have to make that tough decision yourself. If it were me though, I would tell him, I'm sorry but I couldn't and wouldn't support him going to meet her. That if he was truly committed to me, then he would stay and we would work through this together, and if not then that would be his choice to make. And that I felt bad for him that he has to struggle with this, and you want to support him in any way I could, but I had to draw the line at him going to meet her and whatever the outcome of that would be, I wasn't willing to stick around, no matter how much I love him, I couldn't/wouldn't condone those actions, period. It would hurt too much. That I was trying to understand where he's coming from, but by the same token he has to understand and respect where I'm coming from too. He would have to make a decision but he can't have both and I'm not waiting around for him to decide.
You are doing everything right and to the best of your ability in dealing with all this right now. You can certainly tell him to go but not to expect you to be there when he got back b/c you can't do this to yourself no matter what. He has to make a choice and that's one that only he can make, so he needs to choose wisely, as he's got a lot at stake here. And, yes, I agree with you and how you handled this.
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