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About Samantha
Expertise
I can answer most any questions regarding a husband/wife relationship. Whatever the question may be. I would like to help you find an answer to it. If you want an honest and unbiased opinion on things then ask away. I am a divorced mother of 4 children, I have been a single mother, and I'm currently remarried and have a 4th daughter with my husband. I know what it is like to have a spouse cheat on you, to be taken advantage of, to feel like everything is hopeless (being depressed), emotions (the up`s and down`s). I will try to answer anything you have on your mind about husband-wife relationships, divorce, adultery, etc. Please don`t hesitate to ask.
Experience
I've been answering questions and helping my clients for the last 9 years. I have many satisfied and return clients. I have helped people from all over the world and from many different walks of life, cultures, etc.
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...........
Past/Present Clients
I have/had many repeats clients though the years I've been a volunteer here.
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You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Marriage > Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship > Can't decide what to do!
Expert: Samantha - 11/3/2009
Question
Last Tuesday, Oct. 27th, my husband signed on to a social site %26 reconnected with his high school sweetheart with my permission. I had given him permission thinking it would help him release some of the guilt he has carried from his past which he seems to dwell a lot on and he has been somewhat depressed lately so I thought this would help. Well, this reconnecting has brought back many of the old feelings he had buried deep inside him for his "first love". Mind you we have been happily together for the last 15 years and married for four of them so I trusted him. We are best friends, as well. Now after contacting his "love", she has expressed the same feelings for him and that they never left. Now he is telling me he is confused and doesn't know what he wants. He is still living in our household until he can decide. What should I do to save our marriage or should I just let him go and move on with my life?
Answer
Hi K~
I can understand and totally respect that you thought you were doing the right thing by allowing him to make contact with his ex-love. However, this may now have caused more problems and actually back-fired on you. The reality of them reconnecting and making a relationship actually work are very slim (although it's not totally impossible or unheard of for this to happen). The reason I say this is b/c they are two different people than when they were in "love" together. It's been 15+ yrs since he's even seen her, really talked to her to get a feel for what she's even like. A person can change so much in 15 yrs that it's like they are totally different than that person you thought you knew and loved when you were dating. As people grow up they mature and find different paths in life, etc. They are in love with the idea of being in love, if that makes any sense whatsoever. If he's also dealing depression that can even intensify his feelings, so much so that now he's clearly not thinking straight if he's willing to jeopardize this marriage and relationship with you. Hence why he's acting this very way right now. It's normal to a certain extent for him to feel confusion, etc.
One never really ever forgets their first true love, it's always somewhere in the back of your mind somewhere. I know this happened to me when I was in my first marriage. I had a lot of problems in my marriage though and if he's battling depression it's an escape from him from the depression, to memories of the good times that they shared together, etc. Reality is though that if something isn't done to nip this in the bud it's going to end up ruining your marriage, no doubt about this. I would strongly suggest that you sit down with him and have a serious heart to heart talk with him. When you do this do it in a loving, caring and concerned manner. He needs to know exactly how this is affecting you. And what you're willing and unwilling to put up with in this marriage. You need to tell him that you thought this would help him with giving your blessing to look this old flame up and to contact her, but instead it's down the exact opposite and now you might end up regretting ever letting this happen. That's b/c it's put your marriage and relationship at risk, by having this woman in his life now. He needs to know your expectations in the marriage, and if he fails to listen to you and really hear you and to see why you feel this way, then he's got this woman on the brain and that's what's consuming him, and why he's honestly confused about what to do.
He can't expect you to sit around and wait for him to come to a conclusion on what to do about this woman. It's either her or you, make that very clear to him from the get go. I would strongly urge you to see some marital counseling to see if this marriage can even be salvaged (and it very well can, the key is both of you have to be willing participants in making this marriage better and stronger in the future). Again if he refuses to accept help, then you have no other choice but to move on with your life w/o him in it. It would be a very unfortunate situation, but you need to prepare yourself for that very possible reality should it come. Go with your heart and do what's right for you and what makes you happy. Whatever decision you ultimately make isn't going to be an easy one that's for sure. Good luck to you!
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