Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/Lonely and hurt in marriage
I have been with my Husband for almost 6 years and married for just a few months. We are young-23&24. His work takes him away for 2 weeks and he then has two weeks off at home. So I see him 2 weeks a month. My problems are: 1) when he's gone at work he watches porn. 2) when he's home he plays video games.
Now, let me just say I have always had low self esteem-he knows this. After having a baby it got even lower. I hate porn...everything about it. And I'm tired of hearing how "normal and natural" it is- it isn't. I have tried to tell him how much him watching it hurts me but all I get is "It's not a big deal" "you're stupid...its stupid to feel like that." " would you rather I cheat on you?" This last statement hurts the most. I feel compared to these women, im not good enough, our sex life isnt good enough, im not attractive...all because he wants to watch porn. Am I overreacting? What should I do? This is making me so depressed and hurt.
Also, when he's home, he sits on the computer playing his game ALL day long every single day. He moved to playing in the living room so that way he is "spending time with us." I have told him i dont mind him playing, but the amount he plays is ridiculous. Last 2 days he stays up playing until 10 am and I go to bed alone. He pretty much spends no time with me or our 2 year old daughter. This also makes me feel inferior. I mean, I sit here and think, I must be pretty awful if he looks at other women away from home and spends 0 time with me when he's here.
Am I overreacting? What should I do? Please, help. I don't even know why he still wants me around at this point, I see no reason. I love him, but I feel so unwanted and I fear my daughter will eventually feel neglected also.
Hi Chanel, sorry to hear about your situation; it is clearly very painful for you. All of the things you describe seem to me to be symptoms of an underlying issue - are you and your husband meeting each others' needs in your marriage? It seems not. His rejections of you (in various ways - spending his time with porn and computer games, etc) are signs he is not happy. And, more importantly from your perspective, he is not giving you what you want either.
I think you could try to figure out what your husband really wants and needs - is it variety, excitement? Are there other areas of his life (such as his job) that are causing him to feel down?
You could then see if his needs are really in alignment with your own and whether you are happy and able to give him what he wants (in the form of feelings) without losing your own true self entirely.
Alternatively, you need to ask yourself, "If I felt really good about myself and knew that I was a great person and deserving of a great marriage, would I be with this man?" Be honest with yourself. What would your life look like if you were really happy. It's often very hard to leave a marriage because of what we think we will lose, but we often lose much more by staying. And don't forget, your husband is clearly unhappy too.
You are not inferior, you are not overreacting - you are very worthy of being loved and you are entitled to find love and respect in a marriage and if you aren't getting it you are selling yourself (and your daughter) short.
Think about the above and you will know in your heart the right decision to make. Have the courage to make it and your life will turn around for the better. It will also be the best for your daughter and your husband.
I hope this helps and I wish you all the best,