Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/Unhappy Wife

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Question
Hi Samantha, I have been having a problem with my Wife-to-be and don't know who to ask for guidance.  So, hopefully you can help me out.  I don't think this is a big problem, but it could lead up to it, so i need some advice.

We have been together for 11 months and are truely in love.  We plan on getting married towards the end of december.  So, i told her that as long as she lets me go see the Football game with my friends, I'll be happy.  It's not asking much, but the past few weeks when I go, she becomes very sad afterwards and says that I should be spending time with her and not with my friends.  I don't want her to be sad, and now i feel like im going to have to give up watching the game with my friends to make her happy, but it return, it makes me feel like she's being controlling and it makes me feel kind of depressed that I can't do what I have been doing for years.  I would invite her to go with me, but she would feel unconfortable being the only girl there with all my guy friends, plus she doesn't like football.  For 2 or 3 days after, she will get very sad and not talk to me.  I try to talk to her, but she becomes quiet and unaffectionate.  I'm scared that something so small, in my eyes, will end up leading to us emotionally falling apart from each other.

Any suggestions on how to handle this situation is greatly appreciated.

Thanks,

Dan.

Answer
Hi Dan~

You are right on this one, as long as it's, say, only once per week that you're going out with the guy friends and watching the game, then what's the big deal.  Everyone needs with alone time, couple time and time to spend with their friends (as individuals or as a couple-whichever works), etc.  It's when you lose or give up that individual, couple and friend time is when you start having major problems.  It's unhealthy to give up friends or time with friend and to spend all your waking moments (besides work or whatever) with your spouse.  Not to mention that it leads to other problems, fights, jealousy issues, etc.  Not a good thing to have happen.  

You need to stand firm on doing things with your guy friends once per week.  And that is not too much to ask for either.  A person should not have to or be expected to give up their friends or their individuality as a person once they get married.  Sure you have someone else to think of other than yourself and to take their thoughts and feelings into consideration, but I don't have to explain that to you b/c you seem to understand that.

I'd just invite her along and if she refuses to go then that's her choice.  Encourage her to hang out with her friends when you're doing game nights with the guys.  Or have her take some time for herself for her to go out and do something she likes to do, such as do a little shopping, etc.

If she ignored you and didn't speak to you for 2-3 days, well, that's being a bit unreasonable and irrational and a bit selfish on her part.  And how would she like it if you did that to her.  I'm sure she wouldn't like it one bit.  So it's not fair for her to do this to you when she doesn't get her way.  I'm not judging her as a person either or saying this makes her a bad person, rather her actions are very unfair to you.  If you were to give in on this she might take full advantage of you and it could lead to bigger things and thus more to fight about after you get married.  Marriage is not an easy thing.  It's about compromise and working together as a team and working through any differences that you may have along with way, and also about learning how to talk and communicate and to make things work in the marriage.  And if she's not willing to talk to you about what she's feeling and thinking at any given time, how will she react after your actually married?  Marriage changes a person for better or worse.  

You need to try to sit down with her and have a serious heart to heart talk with her.  She needs to know how this is affecting you.  And what you're willing and unwilling to put up with in this relationship.  You are very right to be concerned about this at this point in time.  I hope that she's willing to listen to you and hear you out in all this.  I hope this helps you some.  

Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship

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Samantha

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I can answer most any questions regarding a husband/wife relationship. Whatever the question may be. I would like to help you find an answer to it. If you want an honest and unbiased opinion on things then ask away. I am a divorced mother of 4 children, I have been a single mother, and I'm currently remarried and have a 4th daughter with my husband. I know what it is like to have a spouse cheat on you, to be taken advantage of, to feel like everything is hopeless (being depressed), emotions (the up`s and down`s). I will try to answer anything you have on your mind about husband-wife relationships, divorce, adultery, etc. Please don`t hesitate to ask.

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I've been answering questions and helping my clients for the last 10 years. I have many satisfied and return clients. I have helped people from all over the world and from many different walks of life, cultures, etc.

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