Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/My Upset Wife
QUESTION: Hi Richard, I have been having a problem with my Wife-to-be and don't know who to ask for guidance. So, hopefully you can help me out. I don't think this is a big problem, but it could lead up to it, so i need some advice.
We have been together for 11 months and are truely in love. We plan on getting married towards the end of december. So, i told her that as long as she lets me go see the Football game with my friends, I'll be happy. It's not asking much, but the past few weeks when I go, she becomes very sad afterwards and says that I should be spending time with her and not with my friends. I don't want her to be sad, and now i feel like im going to have to give up watching the game with my friends to make her happy, but it return, it makes me feel like she's being controlling and it makes me feel kind of depressed that I can't do what I have been doing for years. I would invite her to go with me, but she would feel unconfortable being the only girl there with all my guy friends, plus she doesn't like football. For 2 or 3 days after, she will get very sad and not talk to me. I try to talk to her, but she becomes quiet and unaffectionate. I'm scared that something so small, in my eyes, will end up leading to us emotionally falling apart from each other.
Any suggestions on how to handle this situation is greatly appreciated.
ANSWER: This may not be as simple an issue as you first thought. Let me ask a few questions.
How old are the two of you?
what kind of home life did the two of you have? (did her father watch football for example)
is she an only child? if not how does she get along with her siblings? does she have brothers. etc...
how important is football to you?
how important are your friends?
in the mean time let me say a few things that might help ease some of the pressure of the situation.
football season is only a few months long but your marriage should last forever, or at least until one of you dies. When you get married you are told to become one and that means to start living your lives together. in other words what you did in the past may not be conducive to future activities unless the two of you are in agreement. You may have to make new friends, have new favorite things to do, your starting a new life, not just simply adding to your old one.
One mistake that many couples make is to assume that their new partner should automatically accept and enjoy the activities of the other, if that were the case you should have married your best friend. Marriage is so much more than friendship it is a sacred bonding of two souls who desire each other and serve each other...yes I said serve.
If your not ready or you dont think she is ready for this level of commitment than marriage should wait.
Let me know what you think.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: We are both 32 years old.
Her family grew up watching soccer and she seems to like it, my family grew up watching football and watch it all the time too.
She has 5 sisters and 2 brothers. She's the oldest of them.
I have one older brother and one younger sister.
I believe football is very important because i grew up playing it and watching all my life. I have known my friends over 15 years since grammer school and we all played football and watched bears games for as long as i can remember. For me, its a good time to get together and catch up, since i hardly ever hang out with them anymore.
i know we are both ready for marriage, but i don't understand how this can be such a big problem.
Spelling and grammatical correction (typing on an iPad is not fun)
Thanks for the information, it seems as though your both well adjusted and have come from healthy relationships, leading me to think that there might be some self esteem issues with your girlfriend. She needs to be reassured that you will always be there for her. I am assuming that this is her first marriage or her previous marriage ended badly?
I suggest you sit down with her and tell her that you want to include her in all you do, even football and that you would like to make it a family affair, with friends. You may have to tone down the game antics to give her time to adjust and let her invite her friends as well, they can either watch or do whatever they want.
This is probably not a huge deal regardless. And I believe as long as she understands what goes on at the football games and can be assured all is well, there will be no problems.
Invite her to every game, have the games at your house, if possible and try to include her and her friends and family.
Have a happy marriage.