Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/I cheated my husband but want a life back with him
I have been married to my husband for around 2 years. Ours is a love+arranged marriage with total 8.5 years of relationship. We started having sex from year 2 of our relationship. There was huge struggle for our marriage in our families and we handled everything to make them accept. After around 6 yrs of our relationship, my husband happened to travel abroad. I was in depressed state, I had sex with one of my close friend, totally unplanned. I felt it very odd later, and avoided it. But I moved to more depressed state and there were more troubles in our families for our marriage. That time, one of my colleague, sounded so nice and talked so caring. I was a friend with him initially, but somehow he moved too closer to me and I had sex with him. Though I felt odd of it, somehow i liked the sex feeling. Moreover, he always says that he loves me so much and I am his first girl friend. Things continued and my marriage happened. I tried to avoid physical contact with him later, but somehow could not stop after some point. But, later I went abroad for around 10 months, where I had enough time to take a break from him and think more about my husband. I was prepared to have a fresh life with my husband when I return back. and yes, I really started enjoying family life with him and felt so lucky for such a loving and caring husband. I was so foolish in one-thing, that I hided all these totally from my husband even though he happened to ask me if I am hiding something from him and to be open to him. I stopped all contact with the other guy in recent months, and was enjoying my life with my husband and preparing for my pregnancy. But, my husband came to know all of these now. I am sure I hurt-ed his feelings so badly. He is saying he cant trust me anymore that I may find someone in future. I begged him not to divorce and I want to live with him and to accept me as a normal wife as many other couples in this world, husband will continue to live with wife willingly/unwillingly.
I thought about committing suicide also, as I am feeling very bad for cheating on such lovely husband who always considered my happiness in everything. Just avoided as it will impact his life even after my death.
While I am waiting for the day for him to accept me slowly, we discovered that the guy whom I had relationship is a big flirting guy and have been trying for many girls. Now that we are more worried if he would have told about this relationship to my other colleagues though he left my company some months back. Things are disturbing my husband so much as I trusted some flirting guy but not him as a caring husband.
I really don't know how to go with this. sleepless nights. mind is thinking more about suicide and giving a way for my husband for a new life.
I feel so bad for everything and I badly want a life with my husband, and want to take care of him till I am alive in this world. I love him a lot, just that I lost my control in between and made me hide things to him and spoiled my beautiful marriage relationship.
Suicide is not the answer, trust me, it is not. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Not only that, but you would leave your loved ones, friends, and family that are left behind to pick up the pieces of your not being there any more. It would be very devastating to do to those that you love in life. So please, whatever you do, do not take your own life. It may feel like it's the end of the world, but really it's not. If he's willing to stay with you and try to work on the marriage, then he still loves you enough and see some good and potential in you being able to overcome all that you've been through in this life time. Everyone makes mistakes in life, it's what we take away from these mistakes in life to learn lessons from those mistakes.
Adultery is the ultimate betrayal in a marriage/relationship. It hurts a person beyond what words can express. With that said, sometimes when going through a depression you're not thinking clearly and you make poor choices and bad decisions in life. I'm sorry that you're going through all of this right now. It can and will get better as time goes on. You have to want it to though. Don't worry about what this other guy will say to former co-workers, he most likely won't say anything about what happened. And even if he does, don't divulge any information on what happened, b/c frankly it's not anyone's business but your own. You can and will overcome all that you've been through, and this can actually make your marriage stronger by going through all of this.
All you can really do is try to learn from all of this, so as not to find yourself in a future situation where you are tempted to cheat again. If you need someone to talk to and to give you advice, seek out some individual or even marital counseling, if it's available in your area. It can't hurt to at least check into it.
Sit down and have a serious heart to heart talk with your husband. He needs to know how all of this is affecting you. And what you're willing and unwilling to put up with in this marriage. Hopefully he'll be willing to hear you out and to help you work on this marriage b/c you can't do it alone. And your relationship can become stronger as a couple. I hope this helps you some.