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Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/need advice,our friend`s wife is jelous

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Hello SAMANTHA,

Before 1year our friend Ellyn told us for a good job in middle east.Well it was a really well paid job for my husband and ellyn and we decided to go.We were 2 new couples and we decided to go.I had emotions and was very exited about my husband opportunity.
With Ellyn we have friendship from 8 years.He was the best university friend of my husband. He is a good boy but non self cofidence.Her wife(actually second wife,we knew her about 1 year ago)he fianced her imedialty when he seperated befor the wedding.It was very fast thing that I was not ok with thi,but we respected his decision).
We opened her our friendship door and she behaves as se respected this thing.
First we lived together in a big house becouse (we,the girls, were in a new country and we wanted to stay together just for the beginig.we stayed 3 months together) I loved the period that I lived there,it was as a new life for all of us.When our husbands came back work,they were very satisfied watchaing us happy to wait for them,the good meal,coffes etc.She wanted to learn `by eyes` from me but i am a very open person,When she tried to do things as Idid,as said her:bravo,you`re gona be a good wife. Everything looks ok from outside.
My husband and I begun to save money and really I was very quiet ,my husband too. But after 2 months I begun ill and went to hospital for 4 days. I satyed ill in my bad for about a week an I wait from our friend`s wife(they have one yer to cook or to take care of me,but she didn`t.She always stay on skype,fcb etc.And I thouht that`ss not a big problem,maybe she is affraid from the situation and she did not what to do.Anyway,when I came back home, she was on skype and it was almost the time when the men came back from work and she has prepare only fried patatoes for them !!! ok I went to my room and it was exactly as when I left 4 days ago (when I was bad and the ambulance took me).Anyway this is the educatio that her family has give to her and it is not a big problem for me, but in these cases we need to be more human expecially with friends but she didn`t realize this.
From that moment I begun my serious behaviour with her . I really give her opportunities to show herself as she really cares about our friendship or more exactyr husband`s friendship,our new life, our plans and everything a new couple want.becouse she was new in our friendship cycle and i respected her or better I over-respected her from out friend.A lot of her mistakes i did not take as a base, i talked to many times to her tellin what ellyn and a husband waits from his wife(becouse with my husbeand we have been in love for 10years and)and her talks were :x has y lover,z has had G lover ...etc. I tried ao many times to convert her from a country girl to a well educated woman.
One night as we were going to the kitchen,we heard her shouting to ellyn that she do not stand me,she hates me,she can not live with me,she can not stand my glasses ...  and a lot of these children things.I was very offended, in that time I wanted to enter in the kichen to say to her:shame on you! but my husband turned back to the room very angry.I stayed and thought:is this right for my husband becouse if I enter and say this,we will not talk to each other any more.so i quit !!!!! turned back to my husband and we decided to get another home just for us. My husband say this to ellyn next day and the reason why:we heard bad things from his wife.
Her behaviour was very interested next days:she always speaks politely only to my husband and she acted as she waited from me something but I really didnt care becouse she has not been a friend of mine,she is a straighner yet(she always has been so)my behaviour with elly,was the same as in the begening.Ellyn`s wife from that moment talked only to my husband and he talks very little to her.
The day when we have to go,they found a new house and went 1 hour befor eus.in the door,ellyn say us good bye,and she shoud from outside my husband name and sy bye!
I went to the door and called her: you only talked to Ben and not to me???we have lived together for 3 months and you dont even say `bye`?
Ellyn said to her:why you did not talked to her but only to Bill?SHe sad I didnt see her.......
Then in our husbannds company they offerd me a job than offerd her too.we work here but i different places thanks God I dont want to see her witch face.
My problem is to my husband.he is a very polite person and he does not want fights,neither I.HE wants to go out with ellyn and his wife but I said to him:`this is not fair for me,i have stand a lot of stupid thing fom her,she has a black heart,she dont love ellyn,i swear,she only wants to have a better life for herself.If I see her ,i do not speak to her` One week before we sow hem on lunch,and my husband stopped and talked to them...
i dont know why my husband has to put the friendship over the family interests...this makes me so nervous with him...We love each other and he always has a strong relationship with friends but he has to be more adult. ellyn is not as before with me,why my husband has to make as their friendship is strong as always meanwhile I am a part of their friendship????? I have been so nervous with him this week.I really do not know till where he is going with this? What should i do?

Answer
Hi Adrianee~

Your husband sounds like he's a very nice guy and doesn't want to disturb the friendship he has with his friend Ellyn.  Even though you don't get along with Ellyn's wife, and you don't speak to her b/c of the way she acts and treats people, and understandably so.  Your husband seems like a people pleaser and he doesn't like confrontations, fights, arguments, etc.  So he tries to please Ellyn and stay on friendly terms with him and his wife.  There are some people in life that don't like confrontations or making others upset/mad, etc.  It's just their personality, so they try to get along with everyone.  You on the other hand know how Ellyn's wife is and you've caught on to her fakeness and how she uses people and so on.  

If your husband wants to continue to be friends with Ellyn and his wife, then let him.  You've told him how they really are and if he doesn't want to listen at least you've warned him.  He might end up getting hurt in this friendship with Ellyn, but that has to be a chance your husband is willing to take.  You don't have to agree with his choices on who he's friends with.  As his wife it's your job to be there to support him in things that he does in life, and the same goes for him in supporting you and being there for you.  

With that said you certainly don't have to go out of your way to be friends or on friendly terms with Ellyn and his wife.  You can be civil and nice to them when you see them or have contact with them.  But other than that it's not necessary to go out of your way and be fake like Ellyn's wife is to other people.  

You need to sit down with your husband and have a serious heart to heart talk with him.  He needs to know how this is affecting you.  And what you're willing and unwilling to put up with in this marriage.  The point here is to keep the good, loving, caring relationship you have with your husband in place and to not allow his friendship with Ellyn and his wife mess up what you've worked hard for 10 yrs to create in your marriage.  No friendship is worth losing a marriage over.  Let him be friends with them and you can keep your distance from them.  If your husband asks you to attend an outing with them together, go ahead and go for your husband's sake, not theirs.  It's also not worth getting upset over Ellyn and his wife.  So while you can't control how they act you do control how you react to them.  Do it with grace and dignity and show them that you are the better person by not getting angry at them and thus bringing you down to their level when they want to start trouble (not necessarily Ellyn but his wife).  I hope this helps you some.  

Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship

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