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Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/I think my bf that wants to marry after school may have some problems, though I cant particularly pinpoint what

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QUESTION: Im a junior in college and I met my bf my first year. I was at that time with another guy who got convinced by one of my friends to think twice about being with me when she asked him how he really felt about me. Since then i have been my my bf, and we have seemed to have a decent relationship. I know he loves me and cares about me a lot but im afraid he may be controlling and obsessive when he expresses it.
He also has horrible anger problems and temper problems and has a tendency to take it out on everyone around him including me for brief periods of time. He gets annoyed with little things easily and at times when he is angry or irritable has no remorse for his actions nor cares about his actions.
He also has a tendency to force people to give him money when he needs it, including me. He tends to bully people out of it.
He is often selfish and tells people what they want to hear instead of being truthful when it comes to money and he gets angry when others point out his flaws. He does not like to compromise on anything either and will lie about a compromise just to get you to be quiet about it and then in the end still does what he wants.
He also has trouble keeping promises.

I have noticed recently that hes been seeming very obsessive when it comes to me ever since we had a dispute a few months ago about problems with my ex who would always try to break us up. I will admit things were so hectic previously that i did end up cheating on him with my ex but only for sex that would calm me down and my ex ended up taking it the wrong way and thought that i still wanted him to which then he also became controlling.

ANSWER: Hi Kimberlie,

Your boy friend sounds like an ideal candidate for an abusive husband.  Controlling, angry, possessive, not an ideal husband.

These kinds of behaviors can lead to dangerous relationships and breaking up can be a problem.

You are right to be concerned.

I hope I was able to help.

Tom Blair
Relationship Coach

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

Me and Christopher A year ago
Me and Christopher A y  
QUESTION: Its like hes caring but hes forceful about being caring and at most times its like theres two of the same person, the one i just described and one that is slightly more controlled and not mean but still shows signs of the above. The above usually occurs when he is stressed which is very often since he is having trouble having enough funding for school and his parents stress him a lot. His parents tend to compare him to his sister a lot and tend to give to his sister before giving to him.

He has ADHD a pretty bad case of it and he says he has trouble with people, which he does. He has a tendency to have trouble controlling himself and he overreacts all the time to small things and he is often stressed and either overanalyzes things or underanalyzes things, never a healthy balance. I'm always the one to encourage him and push him forward and keep him focused on his goals as well as calm him down.

I love him a lot though because he is one of the only few people who seems to have cared, even though he has the oddest way of expressing it, with the exception of when he is stressed.

Its just that when hes stressed which is often he disregards everyone and becomes selfish.

For example today I messaged him saying i felt very very sick and I was trying to get my dad to give me a ride home. (I still stay with my parents in town and he stays in an apartment across town. Him and his parents are both from Birmingham, Alabama).
He started to get mad at me saying i was stressing him out and that I keep mistaking that I'm pregnant when I'm not and because of that he was going to bring a pregnancy test to prove me wrong.
I caught a ride home from a friend since he was in choir rehearsal and my dad was at the gym and my mom is out of town. And i told him it was because of a ride we went on at the fair yesterday afternoon which shook up my stomach. He was relieved and said gasp, phew.

I recently did discover that i have an cyst that needs to keep getting monitored and I was getting similar to pregnancy but I went to the doctor and they determined it was a cyst that had just ruptured after a few scans were done. And he seems to have been even more stressed if not already, ever since. He says me being sick stresses him out and makes him panic. and when he cant find where I am he feels like he lost something important such as his keys.

ANSWER: Hi Kimberlie,

You sound pretty grounded. And you should listen to you gut in this case.   He, with ADHD and anger issues, should be seeing a counselor. Before you agree to marry him think about what life with him will be like, long term. Assume it does not get better and maybe just a little worse.  It could get much worse but we are only thinking about it staying pretty much as it is.  Is that the life you want?   

That is the question you should ask.   If he stays the same, do you want that for life?

Marriage does not reduce stress, if anything it increases it.  There are more issues to deal with.  If stressing out over things like you calling your father for a ride home is normal,  how will he deal with a financial crisis or a child?   How will he deal with a serious disagreement with you?

Before you commit to a life time together, think about these things.

Good luck,
Tom Blair
Relationship Coach

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: That is true, he would probably need some sort of counseling. He knows he has the problem but I think needs help trying to change it. He has said that I have helped him on it a bit because according to him he used to be a lot worse.

Answer
Hi again,

I have some experience with ADHD and with anger clients.  His issues will not heal themselves.  He may need counseling for quite some time, perhaps even medications.  While you can be a help, I doubt that you will be enough. Before you marry this man you should be certain that he is in therapy.  ADHD plus anger issues can be a volatile combination.

Tom Blair
Relationship Coach

Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship

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Neural Linguistic Practitioner Hypnotherapist Sexual Relationship Coach Internationally read author. Retired Educator All relationships are based on having certain needs being met. Healthy relationships are ones where there is a mutual meeting of these needs. Respect, honesty, communication are just some of those needs When those needs and others are not being met, the relationship will fall into disrepair. Together we will identify those needs and work to correct the imbalance. It is not too late, love can be rekindled. And it can last a life time.

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Neural Linguistic Practitioner Hypnotherapist Sexual Relationship Coach Internationally read author. Retired Educator

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