Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/Can this work without counseling?
My husband and I have been for 2 years and 10months. We met online and did not know each other for long but both believed we were the one. We shared many of the same religious beliefs and had alot in common with goals for ministry. My husband briefly told me he had a pornography addiction before we were married at which I was concerned about. he hardly mentioned it so I thought it was not a big deal. I thought it was something he struggled with only from time to time which I could understand because I was struggling with smoking cigarettes from time to time. This happened to be a problem that started occuring every two-three months (the pornography addiction). At first I let it slide then I started getting angry because I felt I was being lied to. If I asked if he had looked at it, he'd say no, and then I would find outor he would tell me after the fact. It started to break down trust in our marriage. Ihave always thought that he checked out other women but to this day he has only stated he has truly done that a few times. He also flirted with another woman the day before my bdaylast year. I was devastated. He has apologized but it still hurts.To this day I have no idea what he told her becausehe wont tell me. We have a 10month beautiful daughter and I am 7 months pregnant.We pretty much have travelled from one ministry disaster to the next this year and it took a toll on me. Since we have been where we are now barely making headway in california, he has not helped me much with the baby. He has made this current pregnancy so hard. He helped with our daughter a little earlier in the year when she was young but lately he is just so busy doing everything else that he doesnt really help much at all. I understand tha the is trying to make ends meet and help us to get out of this mess we are in but not helping me at all when I am pregnant is making me resent him more and more. Also,he hardly ever spends quality time with me. We do talk and I can tell him what I am thinking but day to day he is not sensitive like I would like him to be. He doesn't want to go to counseling because he doesnt trust people. Iam afraid that his porn addiction could lead to an affair.He has tried to access dating sites before to try and view pornography because we havea block on our computer for it. He hasn't viewed anything in months but still attempts to try to pass the blocker on a regular basis. This stillmakes me very shaky in the trust department. He is also rude most of the time to me.
Hi AR, It sounds like you have an awful lot going on here, not least of which is your pregnancy which can create mixed emotions for many women. However, dealing with all you both have to deal with is going to be very stressful. I think it's important to talk with your husband to try to identify what all the stresses are for you both and to find a way to work on them to alleviate them together. Perhaps acknowledge to him that it is clear you are both not happy and that you should discuss things together. Try to identify what the causes of stress are for you both and then see if you can come up with a plan.
It's likely that you're not really understanding each other at the moment. A frank discussion of the issues and an agreement to work on them together would be a great thing to have.
The porn issue is probably another way in which your husband is trying to deal with his stress levels.
I am sure that together you can come up with healthier ways to help each other and to work together on the situation.
Hope this helps.
All the best,