Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/On the brink of divorce...
I've been married for 6 years and 4 months. This is my 3rd marriage. My first marriage lasted 14 years and ended with my husband cheating. My second 'marriage' was simply a place to go after my first marriage ended. It ended violently after almost 2 years. I was then single for about 9 years. I met this man on the internet and we dated for a short 6 months. I was 41 when we married. I have to admit, I almost left within the first year after witnessing his hot temper towards his teenage son. Huge red flags, but I stayed despite them. My husband told me that he had always been a hard worker. While we dated, we discussed the things that are important to both of us and we both agreed that because we met later in life, we'd need to work hard to save towards our retirement. He reassured me that he completely agreed with me about work and said he'd always made a very comfortable living and this would not be a problem. However, the problems in our marriage stem from his temper and his incapibility of holding a job. He was fired due to his temper from the first job he got 6 months after we were married. I found him the next job and he kept it for barely 5 years. He hated the job and frequently had verbal spats with his boss until finally, this past March 23rd, 2012, he was fired because of his temper and unwillingness to work overtime when needed. He also had a couple of violent episodes towards me and was forced by an Order of Protection to leave our home. We were split up for 3 months and during this time, he was court ordered to get anger management counseling. He begged me to agree to marriage counseling at the same time and the judge allowed that. In June, the judge reluctantly agreed to drop the order of protection and we were allowed to live together again. He wanted to start his own business and so I bought him a new truck and developed a website for him. However, because his work ethic is poor, he's very picky about what jobs he takes and as a result is barely bringing in an income. I've been paying all the bills since March and he's very happy and comfortable with that. 3 months ago, I insisted that he open his own bank account and that he pay for his own credit cards. The problems are that he is not paying for any of our bills, including his truck payment. During the summer, I was able to drop our interest rate on our home by 3% and so I refinanced the house, but the loan could only be in my name. The deed is still in both of our names. Everytime I try to talk to him about getting a part time job while his business builds, he blows up at me. When I try to tell him that I need him to contribute to our debt and help me save towards are retirement, he accuses me of being 'materialistic'. In January, I intend on setting up an appointment with the marriage counselor. I've typed a letter of my intent to end the marriage because it's simply not working for me. I want to drop the letter off to the counselor and tell him that I will not be at the session. When my husband gets there, I just want the counselor to read the letter to him. My reasoning for this is because I get absolutely nowhere when I try to talk to my husband about how I'm feeling betrayed, lied to, and used. I don't want to even consider working this out. I just want it to be over. I don't want to end up getting hurt. I've been told by his sister-in-law that he's always been this way. At 48 years of age, I don't see that he's capable of changing. I don't care if I get the house or not, but I also know that we have zero equity in the house. I don't think he can get a loan for it so I'm probably going to see if I can keep it (at least for a while). If not, I'm fine with that. I'll just rent an apartment closer to my work. I will be asking that he get the truck financed in his name if he intends to keep it. I guess I really don't have a question, after all. I think I just needed to get this off my chest. Oh and by the way, I've always been a hard worker and very responsible. In this marriage, I've carried all of the benefits with my employment. I'm also finishing my degree and about to get promoted. I have 2 grown kids and 3 grandchildren and I just want peace and to be able to enjoy life a little.
I apologize for taking so long to answer your question, but I've been sick with the flu for the last few days. It seems like you've done all that you can do in this marriage. He's the one that doesn't want to contribute to this marriage like you have. He's the one sabotaging it. He knows that you'll be around to clean up his messes and to take care of him (hopefully for not much longer). I mean there is only so much a person can take before they break. And it sounds like you reached the breaking point a very long time ago. He's mistaking your kindness as weakness. You can keep enabling his bad behavior any longer. It's going to end up bringing you down with him in the long run if you keep enduring this with him. You deserve better than he's currently capable of giving you. This isn't about him any more it's now suddenly about you and your happiness and your sanity. The hardest part is taking the first step and then actually going through with it. I hope this helps you some.