Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/Relationship Advice
I appreciate your help, and even just listening.
I don't know whether to leave my husband or not. Its been on my mind for the last year or so. Some background:
I met my future husband in Canada and we embarked on a whirlwind relationship. I thought we had a lot in common, hobbies, outlook on life, morals, etc. We spent the first 9 months inseparable but even during that time I guess, upon reflection, situations happened that should have been warning signs. He made no effort with my friends, wouldn't show up to engagements that I had arranged. If I made plans without him he wouldn't communicate with me whilst we were apart, didn't reply to texts, calls etc. But i guess I chose to ignore that, when we were together we seemed to get on well. Our sex life was great. I had just come out of a long term relationship a few months' before we got together.
Then after a year of dating he was offered a job in a foreign country and wanted to take it. He asked me to come with him but the only way I could was if we got married (because of visa issues). Marriage was discussed very matter of fact, there was no ring or official proposal. I made the decision to go with him and packed up everything I had and moved 1000 miles.
Literally as soon as we moved the arguments started, he can be a very negative person and critical and it was like everything I did wasn't up to his expectations. I couldn't work for a year and the first year was miserable, I felt like I couldn't do anything because it meant spending his money. I struggled to make friends and the friends I did make he was rude to..gradually over time they started to say the odd things to me against him and i found that difficult to live with. I didn't want to be surrounded by people who were negative towards my husband so i cut those friendships off.
His family was a whole new ballgame, they are Indian and our cultures were very different. His mother clearly was not going to accept that we were getting married and refused to acknowledge it. He never sticks up to me to them and says that I am being over sensitive when I get upset about things.
Now we are married and I feel like I'm lost in a foreign country with no friends or family, I put on a show to my friends/family back home that everything is ok but its not. He's so selfish and I feel that he doesn't put me first.
I think about moving back frequently but I am not sure if I should try and persevere and make this work. I persuaded him to come to a relationship counsellor with me but we got talking about our family history and he made a bit show about how my parents are divorced and the counsellor homed in on that and I felt like he was blaming me for my own relationship failing. He said that I look at my husband like my father and that I am angry with him because of that. My husband now uses that against me whenever we argue.
I want a family but every time I bring it up my husband makes excuses like we need to work on our own relationship before we thinking about bringing a child into it. I feel like my time is running out, I'm 32 and all i want is a family of my own in this strange country to make me feel like I'm part of something again.
I don't know what to do.
I do agree with your husband on one thing. That you shouldn't have a child until you decide what you do want and that you need to make sure your marriage is in a better place. I say this only b/c bringing a child into a relationship/marriage that you're not certain you want to stay in and work on, will cause huge problems for you. I can understand you feeling the biological clock ticking and wanting a baby to be there for you to love. However, you must think about how a child would affect your marriage. It's not going to make it better, it can complicate things a whole lot more than they already are. This would give him something to use against you. His parents would try to influence him in negative ways, such as using the child against you. They most likely would fight with you over leaving with the child, should you decide you want to move back to your home country. This would cause you even more angst and heartache and the fighting would be much worse than it is now.
If you're not happy with him now and haven't been for quite some time, then chances are it's not going to get any better as time goes on. Now is the time for you to make some tough decisions and to think of yourself and of your happiness, and, yes, your happiness matters a lot. It's not selfish of you to want to be happy and to not be stuck in a country where you have no support network of family and friends. It's not okay for him to alienate you from making good/decent/trustworthy friends. Go with your heart and do what's right for you and what makes you happy, whatever that is. I hope this helps you some.