Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/no more children & resentment
hi. i am 43 my husband 55.we have 5 children. we own our home,cars etc.have no debts.husband has a well paying job & we have a large sum of savings,so financially we are well provided for.it has never been a secret i wanted a large family.5 is a large family i hear you say but there was never a number.he would've stopped at 1 but was 'gracious' in giving me 4 more.my last 2 were difficult births & i ended up with PND both times but am fine now.my last is 2yrs old & had terrible reflux for about 12 mths.i thought she was my last & wanted to embrace & enjoy her but feel i missed alot because she was so unwell.my husband is a hoarder of old cars that he 'does up' to varying degrees before he gets bored & moves on.after much arguing & nagging he sold a few & got it down to 5 in his words 'cos i had 5 kids'.i thought i would be 'done' after number 5 but im not.i crave another.i want another.i kept my true feelings suppressed for sometime but did drop hints & whenever he spoke about getting another car i used his '5 cars for 5 kids' rule,but he was aware that i would have another in a heartbeat.he has always known i am a very maternal person & have never made it a secret that i would have 20 if i could.car number 6 turned up in the drive. i was told he was looking at parts but the whole car arrived. he hadn't asked or discussed it,just went & brought it,just as he has done in the past. i sat with it all for a few days then an incident happened in the bedroom that really really upset me. normally he is extremely careful with protection because he doesn't want any more. this particular night he didn't use anything & i was so excited that perhaps he was on board with regards to having another.alas when i spoke to him the following day about it he said it was the heat of the moment & he didn't want anymore. i was mortified.again i left it for a few days to see how i felt about everything & spoke to him about how upset i was,that he had played with my feelings & i felt betrayed.he can have cars & spend money without asking but i cant have another child. he told me i cant keep having them i have to stop sometime,so i said that to him about his cars. i told him how hurt i am how i feel he has broken some trust & feel that he is laughing at me,so to speak, because he can have what he wants but i cant get pregnant on my own or without asking, & he knows that. i feel it is a blatant disregard for my feelings on the car side & also for my feelings on having another child.using his rule of '5 cars for 5 kids' i thought would keep both of us in check & accountable in some way to each other.i cant make him understand how much it hurts knowing that i will not carry another child,give birth,bring up & raise another.it kills me to know i will never experience that again. and i don't need to be told how lucky i am that i have 5 healthy kids or that there are people who cant have any & that i sound selfish & greedy & ungrateful. i know im lucky.i know im fortunate.i am bloody grateful. i know how the kids have made us better people & them having siblings have added to them as people & i know how much love & joy they bring & thats why i want to have another. i also cant get him to understand that having children is all i know & i thought it would be ME deciding i had enough.its my body,i do the majority of the upbringing,the running around etc. why is it up to him to tell me what i can & cant have?especially when he does what he wants.i get quite jealous when i see another pregnant woman & when friends recently announced they're having their 6th & are in financial difficulties, & the resentment is building.i have shut down from him at the moment because although i would love him to say lets have another if thats what you want, more than anything i think, i just want him to acknowledge that he has hurt me & just to be more understanding & show some sort of empathy of the overwhelming pain i feel in the deepest part of my soul that i cant have another baby.he is extremely hard to talk to about anything to do with feelings or emotions. he doesn't share his feelings & over the years i have stopped sharing mine because i don't get what i need from him emotionally. he listens but he doesn't hear what him saying,if you know what i mean.we haven't had sex since the night he didn't use protection.its just too painful emotionally. i want another & i cant seperate the physical part of the relationship from being able to have another baby.to put it bluntly,at the moment i just see it as a waste,i get little out of it,& i just see him getting his 'realease' & its over.im not asking how to talk him inot having another.im asking how i can talk to him & have him LISTEN & understand & acknowledge my feelings.im asking how to let go of the baby i feel.im asking how to deal with my resentment towards him for not letting me have what i want when he gets what he wants.he says he doesnt want to see me go through another difficult delivery.he says hes too old.he says he doesnt want to put in the time for another.he says he doesnt want to spend anymore on another.he says he wants just the 2 of us one day.he is entitled to his feelings just as i am.i guess i feel theres a bit of a double standard when he can spend thousands on a car i didnt know about or i dont want but i cant have what i want.i feel very lonely becasue i cant talk to him & dont have his support & i cant talk to friends becasue when i have dropped hints they rtell me im ungrateful & hes the breadwinner so why shouldnt he have what he wants etc etc.only one has a large family & we have spoken at length & she feels the same as me but he husband is on board & they have just found out theyre having num 6.they are in financial diffs & that has made me pull away form her as my sounding board becasue i think well if they can do it with nothing,why cant we with everything? i am in conflict with myself
My apologies for not being able to digest you entire question/situation. I think a problem-solving approach may help, involving separate bank accounts so that you have you own money to spend on things you want, while you contribute equally to shared items such as food, hydro, etc.