Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/Problems in Family
I am krishna and mailing from India. I got married in 2011 to my love who was with me from last 10 years. Now, there are alot of problems we are facing on relationship front. I am not able to start with one. The most incurred problem is that her feeling of I love my family than her. Its like I am unable to confront this issue and its going overboard. We are basically from andhra pradesh and presently settled in Delhi. My wife is pursuing her PhD in netherlands and left that in between to stay with me as we got married after 10 years. the problem is she is feeling neglected by my sister who apparently talks only about her and her problems over phone. My sister had initially marriage problems and she has developed a pity on her that i am not able to scold her for whatever she talks. my wife is bougthered as that my sister never bougthered about our problems and keep on coming with a new problem of her. I love my life a lot and i am unable to tell her this. even i tell she behaves as such i am making words and not showing in actions. How can I solve this problem. I would really appreciate if you can help me on this.
ANSWER: Hi Krishna~
Why do you feel you can't talk to your wife about how you feel or how you feel about her? Does she react in such a way that this prevents you from telling her how you truly feel about anything or things that you might struggle with in life at any given moment? If so, then you really do need to find a way to approach her and have a serious heart to heart talk with her. She needs to know how this is affecting you. And what you're willing and unwilling to put up with in this marriage. If you can't talk to her about what you're feeling and thinking then you don't have a good relationship with her. That's not good for any relationship or marriage to have to endure and to feel you have to suffer in silence for fear or upsetting or hurting your spouse's feelings. Sure, she may not like what you have to say, and I'm sure you won't always like what she has to say.
Perhaps you could start off by trying to get a little more insight on why she feels that you favor your family over her or why she feels you love your family more than her? Ask her to describe in her words why she feels this way. Because if she can't give you any specific reasons or incidents then how are you going to know that you are favoring/loving your family more than her? So that you might fix and work on this problem if it does exist. Sometimes a person can be doing something w/o even realizing they are. Communication is key in any happy, healthy and successful marriage. Marriage is tough, it takes two people working together as a team to overcome any obstacles and problems that might arise (and marriage is full of them) and marriage can definitely be challenging at time. It's all in how you work out these issue, that will determine how successful your marriage is with your wife.
Tell her that you will have a word with your sister about her telling your wife all of her problems. Your wife might feel burdened and upset that your sister is telling her all her life problems. She may not know really how to cope and deal with what your sister is telling her and this is weighing her down and stressing her out. It's nice that your sister feels she can talk to her about things, and her personal problems. But it's taking a huge toll on your wife and she doesn't know how to react to all this. Hence this could be causing her to think that you love your family more than her. Which I'm sure is not true b/c you speak very lovingly of your wife. Talk to her and see if you can come to an agreement and to work these issues out. I hope this helps you some.
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QUESTION: Dear Samantha,
Thanks a lot for your kind reply. The problem is she feels, that my sister is not able to stand on her self and deal with her husband and instead she was coming to us. Any how now our sister got her first child and it seems matters are settled with them. But, it has taken a toll on my family here. Even a call from my sister without having any subject my wife is getting irritated. With losing patience couple of times I told her that she doesnt care about me. Which, interim become a huge fight and she started telling me that she would like to live alone or die instead staying with me. when my sister issue doesnt arises she is a lovely wife and I know she loves me a lot. But, unreasonably I am unable to co-pup this pressure. She feels that I insulted her saying that she doesnt care and used harsh words but never i scolded my sister anything she does wrong. Probably this is more serious problem than i am perciving. She often tells me she was irritated with my sister even before our marriage and was not sure of marrying me. There had been some circumstances I have offered help to my sister before marriage than her when she was also needed a hand. That might me triggering her even now. On the other hand my sister also tries always to get sympathy for her life which we couldn't see any problem. My wife argues that there is a limit for your brother and sister relationship which I couldnt see any where in the world etc., My problem is I am unable to tell my sister how to behave and come to us only when a real problem exists. It seems this issue is ever ending.
Since this obviously is bothering your wife so much, maybe you could suggest to her that she seek some counseling to help her get rid of her bitterness and dislike of your sister and family. Even if the resentment never fully goes away, at least she would have an outlet to vent and talk about her anger for your family, etc. You need to give your sister boundaries to some extent. While it might be okay for her to come to you for advice or whatever. She needs to know that your wife isn't the one for her to go to when she feels she needs to talk. It's taking too much of a toll on her and it's now affecting your marriage, which isn't okay. It's only going to cause further conflict and complicate your relationship with your wife more.
It sounds like no matter what you do to try and remedy this situation, someone's always going to place blame on you and you'll be caught in the middle between your wife and sister (or the rest of the family), which of course isn't fair to you. Something has to give somewhere along the line in order to make things better for you and your wife. At this point all you can do is try to be there to support your wife when she's going through periods of rough time in her life. I hope things get better for you soon.