Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/am i over reacting?

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Question
hi

Thank you for your service.

Iím female. 37 years. Been married for 8 years. We have no kids because of infertility issues.

My problem is that I feel my husband does very petty, immature things behind my back. Please tell me if I am wrong to feel upset. Am I immature? Or is he immature?

Today my husband had agreed to accompany my sisterís husband (my BIL) on a trip to an adventurous place, without consulting me. Iím not too happy that he is going because I donít like my BIL that much. My sister didnít know that I was not aware and mentioned it to me. Later when I met my husband he asked me if itís OK if he went.  I told him I already know he had said Yes to my BIL. He had already agreed to my BIL and I was angry that he is pretending like he is asking me permission or something. My husband got angry and shouted at me. He said he doesnít understand why Iím upset.
Iím upset because I wish he had told my BIL heíll talk to me too or think about it. I feel like my husband and I are not part of a team.

I asked my husband ďwould you like if I told a friend ĎYes Iím going on a tripí without asking you firstĒ and he was speechless. I know his answer would have been ĎYes I would have been upset tooí but he just shouted at me and went away. My husband simply shouts and yells and doesnít talk about things. He comes from a family that yells and shouts just like this.

I think this has become a sensitive issue because previously my husband lied to me about some money issue.  When I found out later he was angry then too. The money issue happened because he wanted to please a good friend and I wanted a refund from this friend.(I started the issue by backing off a deal). Because I was going to ask the friend for the refund my husband gave this friend some more money and told him to pretend that he is giving me back the refund. I think I wrote to you about it before and you told me to ignore it because sometimes one or two times things happen in marriages.

Previous to this my husband went out for lunch with an old friend without telling me when I was abroad. He told me after he went. He knew I wouldnít like him going for dinner with this person alone (because she is a lady and his teacher) so he did it while I was not there (long story, but we sorted it out at that time)
Previously to this my husband gave  a loan to a friend and when I found out(when I saw the bank statement) he told me he did not tell me because he was sacred I Ďll be upset that he gave it.
Looking at all these examples I may look controlling. Am I? Iíve realized that my husband goes out of his way to spend money on friends and people. So now I donít tell him anything to stop him spending on others. Its his money and we have food, shelter and cloths so I donít care anymore. he used have a lot of friends but now most of them are married and all and busy.

But this eternal once in a way manner of his where he kind of makes me feel like the outsider in our marriage, instead of making me feel like part of the team bothers me.

Am I over reacting? my husbandís parents are also like this but a lot worse.  His father was a big time fraudulent person who not living anymore. His mother is also the typical lying, pretending type. They both hurt a lot of people by cheating and lying. I donít think my husband or his other siblings are as bad as the parents. They always scold the parents for being cheaters. But I wonder if my husband learnt these bad habits from his parents.
I donít think my husband does this all the time to me and he is always considered a trusted friend who can be relied upon by many of our friends and relations. Iíve known him for 8 years to be a good person.

I think he goes out of the way to please other people. That is his personality type. So when he feels (or knows) that I may not be happy with him trying please this friend or that relation, then goes off to his pretending, covering up mode or something. It hurts too much say lying.

But tell me please? Am I wrong to feel upset he pretended like he is asking me if it is OK to go on the trip when he has already said OK to my BIL.

I feel I canít trust him much. I also feel Iím married to a 6 year old. I feel very sad.

Thank you.

Answer
Hi Fathima,

Sorry for the delay in replying it was due to the untimely demise of my father. I am sure that he loves you but is afraid of doing things that upset you, so he hides facts. This is a good sign that at least he knows what would worry you. At the end of it, he is an adult and you can't baby-sit him always. So if you want to protect the money, invest in some long term schemes and let him know that you promise not to be upset but you should know about his friends and their borrowings.

As for the trip with the BIL, he is a relative of yours and your husband must have felt that he is being a family man. Instead you got upset and put him on the defensive and so the shouting and ranting. Give him some leeway to decide on stuff and sometimes just ignore if it hurts you. Gradually he will realize that he should share things with you upfront and not later.

Regards,

Vani

Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship

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Vani

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Marriages are made in heaven! But in love marriages when the two partners belong to different nations, castes, races, social strata, backgrounds, the amount of understanding required is more. I can tackle queries related to love marriages of these kinds. Sorry, I cannot help out on gay and lesbian relationships and am neither a sex therapist nor an astrologer.

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20 years of a blissful married life.

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Masters in Business Administration

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