Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/Am I selfish?

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Hi Tom,

My husband and I have been married for 7 years. We got married after a couple years of dating. We were good friends in school. Initial years of our marriage were just fine,we both were working on our careers. I take care of all the chores, cooking etc., which he does not care about at all. To him, food is important but cooking is a waste of time. So he expects me to serve him dinner whenever he is home. We both work full time, I also go to school part time. He gets up late in the morning and expects me to have his breakfast ready and drop him to work. People around have pointed out that i have ruined his habits by doing everything for him. But he thinks I am just doing my job as a wife. He does not like my friends or talking to them. He always says he has depression (which I believe), so I have to understand his loss of interest in anything. I try to be patient but sometimes when I get emotional he says I'm making his life hell and acting selfish.
Importantly, we have never ever had sex in our marriage. This has always bothered me but he was never willing to discuss. We are 32 now and I want kids. I can't wait anymore. He says he does get aroused to see me, even if he tries hard. He is genuinely trying to make up for the lost time but sex is just not happening. I even allowed him to go to the clubs, watch porn so that something happens. I feel betrayed. May be we were never made for each other. I don't know if getting out of this relationship, at the time when he needs me, is selfish. He thinks that I keep pointing out his mistakes and that I discuss this with my friends, but I really don't. He now ignores me in front of his friends. He always expects me to finish his work related tasks, which I don't mind helping. But sometimes
It's overwhelming. I feel miserable. I have so much to say but I don't want to act selfish. Can't discuss anything with friends or family. I hate my life. I don't want to live anymore. I still think he loves me but I have lost my patience. I don't know what to do.

Thanks a lot for reading me,
Ke

Answer
Hi Ke,

First let's talk a little about your husbands issue.  He sounds like he has a clinical depression.  Is he seeing a psychiatrist?  He needs to be seeing someone about this issue.

Now for you.  Seven years and no sex, in a marriage?  It is not selfish for you to want and need more from this marriage.  It sounds like you are his made, cook, mother, not his wife.  It does not seem as though you have a real marriage.  Now what do you do about it?

It is true that you have taught him how to treat you.  But you have a right to expect more.  Start out with a heart to heart discussion about what you need and expect from him.  And first on that list should be that he see a psychiatrist about the depression.  He needs to know that you are not happy and that you expect changes.  If he is not interested in meeting your needs you should seriously consider moving on and out.

Good luck,  

Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship

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Tom Blair

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Questions related to strengthening and saving relationships and marriages. Sexual relationship questions. Published author.

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Neural Linguistic Practitioner Hypnotherapist Sexual Relationship Coach Internationally read author. Retired Educator All relationships are based on having certain needs being met. Healthy relationships are ones where there is a mutual meeting of these needs. Respect, honesty, communication are just some of those needs When those needs and others are not being met, the relationship will fall into disrepair. Together we will identify those needs and work to correct the imbalance. It is not too late, love can be rekindled. And it can last a life time.

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Neural Linguistic Practitioner Hypnotherapist Sexual Relationship Coach Internationally read author. Retired Educator

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