Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/My wife and her dog obsession

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Question
Firstly, I appreciate any help I receive and look forward to a helpful answer.
My wife and I have been married for 2 years. We've known eachother for about four years. She has
always loved animals, especially dogs. I also love dogs. Im very accepting and will feed her two dogs
and cook for them a nice chicken and rice dinner if necessary.
The problem is that her mom has a dog, and she doesnt know I dont want the dog at my house and
I dont speak spanish. I also dont want to have any problems with her mom, even though she is very nice. Its my wife that allows it to keep happening. The dog comes over every once in a while in the past couple months during the day while Im not there for a couple hours, who knows if longer. She keeps the dog in the kitchen blocked off while her mom and her are gone for a couple hours... When they do get home, the dog jumps on the couch like the other dogs. There was a time when her mother needed a place to stay, and she had to bring her dog for a couple days. I was fine with her mother staying at my house but I was weary of the dog.

So the dog is not neutered. It has not neen properly trained. He has peed in my place before, luckily on the tile but also on our doormat and who knows where else. He doesnt come over that often, but when he does, my wife does not tell me that hes coming over, most likely because she knows I wont like it and become irritated.

My wife is an amazing woman in all areas. We had a hard time with her 2 dogs when we moved in together but I helped her train them to be on the carpet including disciplining them. Its just this problem now has caused a rift. She is hiding when he comes over and we begin to argue. I already was accepting of her animals, i dont want anymore especially a non-trained one even if it is for a couple hours. I want to make my wife happy but i dont want to say yes and open the floodgates. Like I said, Ive already accepted her two dogs, her daughter and my own busy life with school and work. She has recently become very defiant about this with the my way or highway attitide which doesnt bode well for a relationship. Please help!

Answer
Hi Daniel~

You need to sit down with your wife and have a serious heart to heart talk with her.  She needs to know how this is affecting you.  And what you're willing and unwilling to put up with in this marriage.  As for her mom's dog you need to set some boundaries on this.  It's not okay for her to sneak the dog in while you're gone and then you find out after the fact that it's already happened.  How would she like it if you did something to her and didn't tell her about, and then you kept doing it b/c you knew it irritated her. This is something that she needs to take into consideration, it's taking too much of a toll on you. And if you're not care and try to resolve this it's going to get way out of hand and it's going to make this relationship worse.  Possibly to where you feel you can't trust her b/c you feel she'll keep doing something like this behind your back.  

It really sounds like the heart of the matter is that she's not listening to you and you are dead set against having her mother's dog there period.  And you just allow it begrudgingly to not start a fight or whatever this issue leads to.  The thing is here, and pardon me if I am being brutally honest here is: you're both being very inconsiderate of how the other feels.  Which boils down to she loves dogs, you tolerate them b/c you love her and she loves her mother who happens to have a dog that you don't care much for, but when she wants to spend time with her mom, at times her mom brings the dog, she feels that if you're gone and they leave the dog there for a couple of hours, what you don't know won't necessarily hurt you, b/c they don't see it as a big deal, but it turns out it is a big deal to you since the dog is not properly trained, etc (and I totally get that aspect of this), so therefore it's caused this big huge issue for you in your marriage, and you both don't know how to approach and resolve this issue w/o arguing and fighting over it, b/c you're afraid she'll take advantage of your kindness and she's worried that you don't like dogs so she's being defiant and showing you that you will not tell her what to do in her house too b/c after all she's married to you and you share the home together.  All that in a nutshell is; you need to sit down and talk about this.

You need to feel that you're being heard and so does she.  This is what this is all about and it's gotten totally out of hand when it shouldn't have ever gone this far.  Sit down and try to talk to her in a calm and concerned manner.  If you are confrontational about it she will clam up, become defensive and refuse to talk about it.  But if you approach it with concern and tell her how this is making you feel, and you take the time to listen to her and hear her out, this issue most likely can be resolved fairly easily.  Of course, she needs to be willing to hear you out as well.  Marriage is about team work and two ppl working together as a team and to try and work whatever issues come up.  You both feel like each other is not listening, so thus the conflict continues.  Maybe you can meet in the middle and come to some sort of compromise, it's all about working through this and being mindful and respectful of each other.  I hope this helps you some, or at least gives you a place to start.  

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