Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/don't know what to do anymore

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I got back together with an old boyfriend 13 yrs ago. Right away he bought me an engagement ring and wanted to marry me but said he wanted to get married on horseback on a beach somewhere warm. We lived in New England then. We lived in New England for about a year than I was having issues with my family so he had a job previously in Florida where he was making good money. We ended up moving down there with my son (who was 7 at the time). We bought a house and we had our bumps in the road but everything was good. We remortgaged our house to go into business with his boss. I didn't trust the boss from day one but my BF wouldn't listen to me. He ended up robbing us blind and my BF wouldn't or couldn't do anything about it. It cost too much for a lawyer to fight him. He ended up drinking and doing pills. He almost died and I put him into detox. He straightened out for awhile but ended up going right back into it. He was drinking during work and the boss cut his pay to about a quarter of what he was originally making. I got sick and was applying for disability. The bills piled up and my father was dying and my BF wouldn't change. So I packed up my son and moved back north. My dad ended up passing away and my BF ended up loosing the house to foreclosure. About a year later he ended up moving back up here and we got back together. I was living with family members so I got a place for all 3 of us. He refuses to get a job to help me pay for anything. He says his back hurts and wants to get on disability but he wont apply. All he does is run to his friends house everyday 7 days a week and they sit on the couch and drink beer until 7 0r 8 pm. Then he comes here and eats all my food and passes out in my bed. I have tried everything I can think of to get him to get out of this slump that he is in. There are days on end that he doesn't wash up or change his clothes or even brush his teeth. He starts drinking at 10 am and he refuses to go anywhere with me or do anything with just the two of us. He wont go to any of my friends house the only place he wants to go is to his friends house and sit there and drink. It has gotten so bad there are weeks that we only have cereal and milk to eat. He refuses to try and make any money to help. As long as he has his beer that's all he cares about. We never have sex anymore he tells me that he doesn't feel the same way about me anymore. Recently he has started to pick on my son. He started a fight over a steak because he said my son was going to take the best part of it? I was like really? I make my sons plate so that was never going to happen. I have given up. It seems like he picks fight over anything he can and then he says it's me. Everything is always my fault. And it's like pulling teeth to get him to come home at a reasonable hour from his friends. He lies and says i'll be home in an hour and then 3 hrs later he is still not home and when I call him he says I bug him. He left last week and we haven't spoken since. My friends and family all hate him for how he is. I can't have him picking on my son but I still love this guy. I thought we would be together forever. My heart is broken and I don't know what to do.

Answer
Hi Deb~

He's doing you a favor by leaving and not coming home.  I know that might sound harsh for me to say, but really think about it, he's doing you no favors by behaving in this childish manner.  He's clearly got a drinking problem and drinking is all he's concerned about to the point that it's consuming him now.  He's an alcoholic.  You have to stop doing all this for him, he's using you and taking advantage of you.  Love isn't supposed to hurt and degrade you like he's doing to you.  That's not love he's taking full advantage of you when he is there.  He knows you'll continue to put up with it, so that's why he stays and does this to you.  If you don't tolerate his abusive behavior, then he can't use you.  He's mistaking your kindness and love for weakness, don't put up with this one moment longer.  If he truly loved you then he would not be acting this way willing or unwillingly.  If he likes to be at his friends so much, then let him live there and his friend can put up with him and support him like you have been doing.

Everyone has a breaking point that they reach sooner or later.  The question to ask yourself is how much longer before you finally say, NO MORE.  You can't keep doing this and enabling him like you have been.  If you keep providing for him, he's going to repeat the same behavior over and over again.  The alcohol is controlling him and it's his escape from reality and the things that he can handle in real life.  You have yourself and your son's well being to think about.  This man is not more important than your son, and I'm sure you already know that.  Love can hurt at times, but he's abusing your love and taking you for granted big time.  You can't keep doing this, it's taking a huge toll on you and your son on so many levels.  It's not fair to you nor your son to be treated like this by your BF.  Stand your ground and tell him you're done with him, even though it'll be tough.  You have to do it or it will only continue and it will get even worse as time goes on.  Your family and friends don't like him for good reasons.  They can see what he's doing to you.  Get their support to say no to him for good.  If you have a good support system in place that will be a tremendous help to you.  I hope this helps you some.  

Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship

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