Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/Lie Detector Test
QUESTION: My husband and I have been married for 3 years/together for 6. We have one child together and I have one from a previous marriage. My husband is very controlling. I have never been able to be completely honest with him about anything because of the constant judging from him. When we first started dating he grilled me about my past which was none of his business. He then used the information to belittle me and make me feel like crap when we would argue. I have never been great with money but I try. He makes twice what I do and when I moved in with him, it was under the agreement that I would pay less because he wanted to help me out. That last 2 months and then he said I needed to start paying half of everything plus some. I was left in the negative every month. If I asked him for help I was called all kinds of nasty names. So I started to hide things and lie out of fear. While planning the wedding I went completely broke trying to make him happy, so I used his credit card without permission and opened up 2 in his name also without permission. I had been making the payments but fell behind thus hurting his credit. When he found out he was angry, as he should be. So I left for a few days and he wanted me back to work on things. He then admitted to cheating on me prior to marriage. Things have been getting worse. I have finally moved out and he has gone crazy. He says he has heard from people that I cheated and that if I loved him then I would take a lie detector test. He has threatened to have me thrown in jail and to help my other child's dad gain custody. He came to my new place and was snooping thru my things.
I am miserable. I have told him that yes I have lied to him in the past but I never cheated. He is still insisting on the lie detector test. I refuse to take one.
ANSWER: Hi Kate~
Whatever you do do NOT take one. That's absolutely ludicrous that he's asking you to take a lie detector test. I'd tell him to go jump in a lake. He's mad that you have moved out and he can't control you as much now. You know this has nothing to do with taking a lie detector test, right? It's about him telling you what to do and him being a damn control freak over you. He's losing control and power over you b/c you have wised up to his stupid and childish little games. It will get worse before it gets better. Let him threaten you. If he did decide to press charges on you, then they will see how you made the effort to pay things back and also that he did not press charges when he had the chance. So his threats might be empty and there's nothing he can do about them. Call his bluff, you have to show him that you will not tolerate being controlled and belittled and degraded by him anymore. You have to take that power away from him. If he sees you're standing up to him, he will feel even more powerless over you. You have to stick to your guns and don't go back to him and don't fall for his lies and let him intimidate you with words and threats. His words are only powerful if you give into his demands. You teach a person how to treat you, it's a fact. And if you allow him to keep doing this to you, guess what, he'll keep doing it.
See a person can only take so much of something before they break. The question here is when is enough for you before you finally say NO MORE. For him to ever take you serious again you're going to have to say what you mean and mean what you say. If you say you're not going to let him control you, you have to stick to those words and use actions to reinforce that fact to him. Otherwise he's never going to take you seriously or at your word. If you're not prepared to back up and follow through with what you tell him you're going to do. The choice is yours and it's one that only you can make. I hope this helps you some.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: My biggest concern is the fact that he threatens to press charges over the whole debt thing. Every thing is paid off. He took out 401k loan to pay off everything and wants me to pay him back what I charged. I am fine with that because it's fair. The only thing I don't like is the fact that he has been on my insurance for the last 5 years and his work paid him 100 a month to not have their insurance. Not one penny did I ever see of that. He threatens to help my other kids' dad gain custody of them which would be difficult.
I have been in the process of becoming a surrogate and those plans will likely be put on hold now. He also seems to think he would be entitled to half of that money. He also threatens that if I pursue child support he will play hard ball.
If the debt has already been paid, I'm pretty sure that he can only sue in civil court for the money that he took out of his 401k to pay off the incurred debt. So if he thinks he can get you into trouble he might be a little too late to do that now. I'm sure that their is a law where bringing charges against fraud has a time limit on it. And the prosecuting attorney would have to be the one that decides to pursue if charges were to ultimately be brought against you for some reason. I mean he (your husband) might be able to file criminal charges, but when it happened and the reason him filing would look bad on him if they did (they would question why he was doing it later instead of at the time you did it). And even if you did, you might be able to do a plea deal and do little to no jail time. Trust me, prosecuting attorneys would much rather do probation or something of that nature, than to bring charges, etc. Anyway, he's using this crap to his advantage and to use as leverage against you to get you to stay with him. You might ask for legal advice on here and see what an attorney says, and then you can go from there. Just to be safe and have peace of mind.
As for him help your other ex get custody of the other children, bull crap, not likely to happen at all. If he did decide to do something that low, he'd look bad in court as well. And it takes something pretty damn bad for you to lose custody of children, especially when there's already a court order in place. Even if you did have pending charges brought against you, unless you had to do jail time, you'd probably be able to keep custody of the children anyway. Courts do not like to take custody away from custodial parents, it causes too much trauma, etc. Not to mention that judges won't change custodial parents unless they feel the children are in harms way, etc. Courts want to do what's in the best interest of the children, not the adults who are fighting over things in court. Trust me, been there and done that. If you were to file for a divorce first you'd probably get what you wanted out of the divorce, you might be able to have put in there that he can't bring charges against you for the fraud in the future. That can possibly be written in the divorce decree to protect you.
And for him threatening you if you file CS against him, that's laughable really. In most divorces where there are children if the mother gets custody the father is REQUIRED to pay CS whether both parties agree to it or not. It's really up to the state that you currently reside in. Each states laws will vary greatly. So let him threaten you. My ex did the same to me and said he'd do this, that, and blah..blah..blah. He was full of crap. Just prepare yourself for a fight and for him to contest the divorce and to make up lie after lie to make you look bad. Make sure you document everything. And since he's controlling and threatens you make sure you put that in the divorce papers. This will go in your favor. Courts see all kinds of ugly things when a couple goes through a divorce. Mine was a very nasty one. You can and will get through it. Also make sure you demand that he's to be taken off of your work insurance, or you might be required to continue to carry him on your policy. I've seen all kinds of stuff that might seem trivial at the time, and person doesn't think about it and gets stuck with a debt or whatever. I don't want to see that happen. Protect yourself at all costs and the best that you can. I also wanted to mention if you did the surrogate thing he is NOT entitled to any of that money you would profit from, especially since you're currently separated. Make sure you make note of the date that you officially separated, this will be brought up in court and the divorce papers. I hope this helps answer more of your questions.