Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/Getting over my husband's past

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Question
When my husband and I got married I was a virgin and my husband was not. He had multiple sexual partners one of them being a long term relationship. He was always very upfront with me about his past but has never gone into detail about it. He has never wanted me to feel like he was hiding something from me but also doesn't want to hurt me with the details. It was always something that was a little bit bothersome to me but I loved him and I still felt good about marrying him once I found out. I have tried to just get over his past but it seems to sneak up on me and cause me a great deal of anxiety and pain when the thoughts enter my mind. It seems when we argue or something difficult comes up I am reminded of his past and wonder if I will be a part of his future. I sometimes feel like just another girl on his list. It just causes me a lot of pain and makes me feel very inadequate and very far behind sexually. I worry he remembers being with the other girls. I worry I don't live up to what he had with them. I worry I will never be able to catch up to what he wants. Because we waited until we got married to have sex and we have only been married a little over a year I feel like it will take me years (they were together off and on for 4-5 years) to even have the same number of sexual encounters with my husband than his ex-girlfriend. I feel stupid talking to him about the topic of sex because I am in some ways very naive about it. I have tried many things to move on and look at who he is not who he was but I feel like I haven't been able to. I don't know what to do. Any ideas or suggestions that you have to help me move on or to feel more confident sexually despite my lack of experience would really be appreciated.

Answer
Hi Erica,

The issue is not that he has had multiple sexual partners it is that you fear you won't measure up in some way.  Remind your self that you, not any of them, rose to the point in his heart that he proposed to you and married you.

You say you feel inexperience and naive about sex.   Chances are that he does not feel the same way as you.  However, there are a great many books and dvds that can teach you just about everything you could possibly want to know.  I like  The Modern Kama Sutra: The Ultimate Guide to the Secrets of Erotic Pleasure  http://changescoaching.com/sex/?page_id=255  With a book like this the two of you can look at it together and discuss likes and dislikes.  A great way to open up conversation  There are many others on my Intimate Couple Store.  On my website  http://changescoaching.com/sex you will see a link to a company that produces self hypnosis programs.  I like their work.  They have one that may be just what you are looking for.  Get over the sexual history of your partner  http://www.hypnosisdownloads.com/relationship-problems/sexual-history/5182

Have a great day,  

Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship

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Tom Blair

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Questions related to strengthening and saving relationships and marriages. Sexual relationship questions. Published author.

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Neural Linguistic Practitioner Hypnotherapist Sexual Relationship Coach Internationally read author. Retired Educator All relationships are based on having certain needs being met. Healthy relationships are ones where there is a mutual meeting of these needs. Respect, honesty, communication are just some of those needs When those needs and others are not being met, the relationship will fall into disrepair. Together we will identify those needs and work to correct the imbalance. It is not too late, love can be rekindled. And it can last a life time.

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Neural Linguistic Practitioner Hypnotherapist Sexual Relationship Coach Internationally read author. Retired Educator

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